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3/04/14

The other day my w and I went food shopping when we saw bottles of vitamin water on sale. I drink vw zero but she saw all vw as the same, so when she started gathering vw (which had 25g sugar) as opposed to zero (which had 0g of sugar) I politely pointed it out to her.

me: thats vw. I drink vw zero
w: what's the difference?
me: vw has 20+g of sugar and zero doesn't and im trying to lose weight.
w: (laughing) Oh! I didn't notice. they all look the same.
m: good thing I was here then or you would have bought the wrong ones
w: (stares at me w/ hate in her eyes) I wouldn't have done that!!!

Oh! Oh! what did I do now? WTF!

In my mind though im saying "because when u go shopping u buy all of your things and F*** UP! the things I need and your only comment is "who cares? eat it anyway It won't kill you!"

How disrespectful! What if the tables were turned and she sent me out for her favorite Pistachio ice cream and I came back with her disliked cookies-n-cream (which I would NEVER do and have NEVER done) and I said "who cares? eat it anyway it won't kill you!"

what would you say then "wifey?!"

I hate having to be made to feel like Im walking on egg shells all the time. She can let loose her feelings and I have to check mine. She doesn't acknowledge my "gift" of cleaning off her car of snow but then asks me to help her figure out the tire pressure in her car???

You NEED me or you DON'T? I don't get it!

Bad day. Pet gerbil died.

This is where you went wrong:

Can you not see how that was provocative?

Think about how the conversation might have ended had you either said nothing, or said,
and then said nothing further.

The idea is to avoid confrontation, not get the little jabs in for the sake of your ego.

I thought it was humorous. Trying to be playful and lighthearted around her. If I wanted to provoke I could've said...

"Well then THANK GOD I was here or else I would've been out of luck with my lunch for another week by having the wrong juice and then I would have to hear you say get over it, it's not going to kill you. Good thing we could skip that entire step and get right to the solution"

That would be more provoking.

I agree with zew. YOU may not have seen what you said as antagonistic, but obviously SHE did. Even if every single one of us here says, "oh, you are SO right, that was not confrontational," who cares? How would that help you in your R with your W?



So then how can you say what you said was not confrontational, when this was the thought process behind it?



What was disrespectful, IMO, is you being angry with her for not knowing the difference between VW and VW Zero. She told you, they all look the same to her. How is it disrespectful for her to make an innocent mistake? What about the fact that she was going to get the VW water for YOU to begin with? What if you appreciate the fact that she tried, even if she messed up and got the wrong kind?

Your analogy is way off here. Accidentally buying the wrong kind of VW, assuming the bottles look more or less the same, is completely different than buying an entirely different flavor of ice cream. It would be more like you accidentally picking up the light version of pistachio rather than the regular. Have you never made a mistake like that?

I think your whole post reeked of disrespect for your W. Especially for someone who is trying to save his M! Did you read DR? Yes, it totally [censored] having to put our own feelings on a shelf for a while, but since YOU are the one who is here, working on the R, that is what you have to do! Keeping score with the car and the grocery shopping isn't helping your M. It's just you blaming your W. I think you should reread DR, and start with a beginner's mind. How about if you give your W the benefit of the doubt here?

What if, instead of saying "good thing I was here," you had said, "I KNOW, they DO look a lot alike!" ???

How would you want to be treated in that conversation, if you were her?

LFC, I KNOW this is a tough time for you. But your W is still living with you. She is still giving things a shot. She is going to the store with you and trying to get the things you asked for. Can you not see that she is giving you a chance? This is a golden opportunity for you to show her that you have changed - but have you? Most of us don't have this opportunity - don't blow it!!

Thanks 25yearmlc. Is that true about the changes and what the WAS feels.
I feel like I blew it again today with my H.

lfc-I was reading the book "Love and Respect" and the way men and women say different things and how they mean them. Example from the book:
Husband to wife - I was just thinking You are so critical.
Wife - At first gets offended and then realize Husband is usually a good guy so asked him what he meant. Husband - I mean you are so critical to our family. We would be lost without you.
See the different in a woman and a man's view:)

Melissa, I hear what you're saying but what I found was disrespectful was her attitude towards her mistake, kind of "so what". That would be disrespectful not the mistake itself. I even said afterwards, I understand I would've made the same mistake myself. Its the attitude. Again it was meant to be humorous.

I post to vent my frustrations. I don't show them to my w. Inwardly im churning like a raging sea but outwardly im "Ice, Ice, Baby!"

Yesterday our pet gerbil died. While she was dying my w was looking at me to do something, like I had a phd in gerbil care. I said nothing back. We figured out to try and force some sugar water into her mouth 'cause she wasn't eating or drinking. I was the one to do this and while everyone was asleep I stayed up with her and I was the only one up when she died the next morning. We talked about burying her in the backyard. I went to work and pondered about breaking frozen ground in order to bury our gerbil. I came home expecting to do this but found w had already done it w/ our son and w/out me.

I didn't say anything about it, choosing not to "sweat the small stuff" but inside I was upset. That was a family thing and I should've been involved.

Sooooo I was looked at to handle the situation while it was happening but the end result was Im not involved with the burial? Thing is I don't blame her. For the most part she is not thinking with me in mind and decided it needed to be done and did it.

Mic, I read Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus. It sounds like they both share the same premise on communication.

She is still giving things a shot. She is going to the store with you and trying to get the things you asked for. Can you not see that she is giving you a chance?

Melissa, I can only hope but I really don't think so. I think she does this as an obligation because I haven't thrown her out when she said she wanted D. She has our son and I would never throw her out but she doesn't know that.