Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

It's all good. I have a habit of being long-winded myself. I don't tie money to my wife's feelings in my situation. My wife was fiercely independent before we got together and it caused our first break up prior to getting married. She hated having to rely on me but grew to accept that there would be ebbs and flows and that we would support each other. I've never been truly comfortable with how our finances were handled but I made ours work for us. I'm not too fussed if my wife wants to even the bills out, I'd welcome it in fact, but I think it creates a new kind of division and I'm against that. Of course, it's not my place to tell her that but to go along with it and have her figure it out herself.

I understand your point about people wanting to work to the point of exhaustion on their marriages but I also understand that my wife feels like she has already put in that effort and that I've let her down. I know she hasn't had all the tools but that's why we're all here, isn't it? Knowledge is power and we now have the power to influence our relationships for the better. At the end of the day, no amount of financial security is going to guarantee emotional security and our wives have acted on that premise.

Totally agree B

Journaling:

I feel really good today. It's been a day where I could have got caught up with stress and I've managed to stay relaxed and productive. Today was my first day opening the store by myself. I'd decided to go in half an hour early to make things easier for myself which meant half an hour less sleep. My 2yo vomited as she climbed into bed with my wife so my wife came knocking on my door for help. She tried to tell me what to do without making things easier but I kept my cool, did as my wife asked as quickly as I could and headed back to bed. My daughter vomited again so off I went for cleanup number two and my wife sent me to bed citing my early morning. She's been cold with me lately but there's little snippets of thoughtfulness.

I had a nice, peaceful morning both at home and at work as I set up my day. After the shop opened, I had an influx of customers which, while quiet by my boss' standards, it threw my rhythm out and things became quickly chaotic. I kept my cool and just did what I could under the circumstances and I was pretty proud of how things went. My boss eventually arrived and bailed me out and the rest of the shift proceeded pretty smoothly.

After work I had planned to spend some time with the kids but my daughters were annoying my wife and were sent to their bedrooms. I wound up watching the eldest and youngest play outside and then the kids were more interested in drawing than dear old Dad :p The kids are spending the weekend away from my wife and I and I had planned to go to the gym and take my wife to the pub for dinner but my kids were picked up an hour late and my wife already had plans, following her friend who picked up our kids.

With my wife gone, my plans delayed an hour and a storm starting I decided not to let things get me down and went to the gym anyway. Five days into a seven day swing at work, up at 5am, disrupted sleep, chaotic shift at work, plans delayed and distant wife and I went anyway and boy am I glad I did. I was in the gym by myself, listening to the storm outside and enjoying my workout which included adding weight to half of my routines. I decided to treat myself to a bacon and egg sandwich and iced coffee for dinner as I wasn't able to make it to the pub and boy was it good.

Now, I'm just kicking back, watching one of my shows in an empty house and I'm enjoying myself. I feel proud of how I've handled my day. My wife is definitely creating more distance between us but I'm not panicking, I'm not overthinking things, yes, thoughts cross my mind but I'm shutting them down quickly and reminding myself that I've been through this part before. It's a very similar dynamic to November when my wife limited conversation with me and things were very tense. She's referring to our bedroom and bathroom as "mine" to the kids and I as well. It's not all bad though; my wife was playing her game last night and called me in to check out how she was doing and didn't flinch when I sat on the couch beside her to watch. I know she's not my biggest fan at the moment but I'll continue to work on me, enjoy what I can and hopefully things turn around again soon.

It's nearly 3:30am here and I've just woken to find that my wife hasn't returned home. As much as I try to shut thoughts out, this one hurts because she'd rather be somewhere other than home and that's pretty hard to swallow. I know I have things to work on but it's hard to fathom that things are so bad that she feels she needs to resort to this. It's disheartening that I've gone so far backwards.

I know the listening thing is a core issue that I have to address. I didn't think it would be so bad that she'd feel the need to stay somewhere else. I know I'm indecisive and she'd like me to be more spontaneous and exciting but I've reflected a lot on those in the past three months and I've been that way my whole life including the three years I've known my wife. I could try to make more decisions but my wife is very much stuck in her own ways and frequently disregards my opinion. Our work schedules are mismatched, we have a house and kids that need looking after and both fall on my shoulders more than hers, even in good times, and we live in an unexciting place. It's great to want to live a little but when you're best option is to go to the pub sometimes have to accept responsibility for your own fun as I've learned here.

I know I'm having a bad moment and it's times like these I wish I could sit her down and have her tell me exactly what's wrong and to actually talk it out but this process has made me understand that it doesn't work like that. People are illogical. It doesn't make sense to me that you want happiness in life so running away is a more attractive option than dealing with it.

I know not to expect anything but I'd be surprised if I saw my wife at all tomorrow. I leave the house at 6:30am (yeah, in three hours) and she works until 4:30pm tomorrow and I know she has plans tomorrow night though I don't know what. I was looking forward to the alone time but it won't be as fun if it feels like it's come about by avoidance rather than her own GAL.

This is just a vent. Just a chance to let thoughts out. I really need to speed up my reading because I'm lost with how to fix this. I know I can do it because I have just a few weeks ago but it somehow feels harder because we have had some good times and now we're back in this mess.

Despite it being 4:30am and not being able to go back to sleep, I feel better already. I'm tired and I'm going to feel it later but I decided to read more DR instead of staying in bed thinking. I'm at the right part of the book too. I'm up to the part about "pulling it all together" and whilst I haven't actually set goals or started a solution journal, it has reaffirmed that DB is working for myself (45 minutes of hurt instead of 4.5 hours or 4.5 weeks) and that I can get my marriage back on track, I just have to redefine it and stick to it.

I'm thinking I'll have to do some reviewing of my threads and communication with my wife. I genuinely can't recall a lot of things though I know my wife and I have discussed a lot and that we had that good period. I even have trouble remembering what made my relationship with my wife tick. In an ideal world, I'd skip town for a couple of days and really go over things in my mind but the real world beckons. I do need to make more of an effort to really review my relationship and my personality and commit things to paper so I can see what I'm doing instead of imagining it.

I can do this. I've done it once before without knowing about it and I've had success briefly knowing it. Work will be a slight inconvenience today but it will help me to keep busy and I have time to myself after work and tonight to think and read.

It's funny how you can never predict what will happen in life. I thought today might have been a below-average kind of day. I woke at 3am to find my wife hadn't returned home and it set my mind running and heart sinking. I got out of bed as I was sure I wouldn't get back to sleep. Instead of laying in bed thinking, I decided to read some more DR and I felt better within 45 minutes. Despite it being 4:30 in the morning I felt fresh with renewed hope.

The day at work was a lot more cruisy than yesterday. I was well organised and we had very few customers so I was able to keep on top of work. I worked with a girl I hadn't worked with before and we had some pleasant conversations about work and her future as a police officer. On top of that, I had enough energy to get through the day and wound up enjoying it.

I got home and ate lunch while watching the end of the basketball game that was on. I had the house to myself and it was nice to relax. I didn't know if my wife would return home straight after work or not and I was a little surprised when she came home shortly after she finished. I was already into tidying up the house by then. My wife likes a tidy kitchen and I like the clothes to be put away so I did both before my wife got home. She played some games as I asked her about her day. She was reluctant at first and then warmed up a little, even seeming partially interested in my day which was nice.

She surprised me when she asked if I wanted Chinese for dinner. I suggested we head out to the pub for dinner instead but she wasn't up for that, having cancelled the plans she did have because she didn't feel like going out. She went out for a while while I continued housework and she came home a while later with dinner. We sat down, she asked what was on TV and there wasn't anything we wanted to watch. I flicked it to the on-demand movie service and she found one she wanted to watch. My wife and I don't watch many movies and having thought she was putting distance between us I was very surprised she was up for watching a movie in the same room as me. We watched "The Butler" at her request. I enjoyed it thoroughly (America does American politics movies brilliantly) and while my wife didn't get into it, she watched it through to the end. We briefly discussed various points throughout and after the movie which was nice.

All in all, my day turned out unexpectedly pleasant. While my wife was more around me than with me, I still enjoyed her company without the kids. She's in bed now and I'm not far off myself with a 5am start tomorrow.

B,

You have been posting some good stuff....Maybe you are starting to finally get it...Maybe. I am not going to add more, because you have made yourself a pretty good list.

I like how you handled the chinese food thing. She mentioned Chinese...You mentioned another option that you wanted. She came back with she would rather stay in and you went with the Chinese with no disappointment and kept on doing your thing. These are small things B, but a month ago you would have handled them a heck of a lot differently.

Have a great day B.

Something I thought of last night. I wanted to thank my wife for spending the evening with me but it would have sounded contrived to me. DB/DR say "celebrate the 5%" but I feel that everyone has a natural 'bullsh!t detector' and I feel that celebrating the 5% would work better if it was genuine.

Any thoughts?

It depends on how genuinely you would mean it. If you did, say it and don't care what she thinks. If you would say it with expectations that she would thank you or you'd be just trying to score brownie points, don't.

Thanks Unbidden. It would be genuine on my part but I don't think it would be taken too well on her side. I'll keep your point in mind next time it comes up.