Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers tbm4evr ...continued

I just thought this through ...I'm not doing anything material for her ...my advances on our vacation were rejected and even a kiss on her forehead it met with angry words ...i must accept that she is repulsed with me and I don't think doing anything at this point will change that - right?

You got it. Buying her gifts right now totally = pursuing and that's not what you want to do, but you caught yourself. Good work!

On the sheets comment by your W, too bad for her. Not your problem -- and a silly one at that. Next.

The other night she mentioned we need a kids thermometer to check the kids for fever ...son didn't feel well the other night and we didn't have one. If I buy one today and come home with it after work ...of course she will see it ...it that pursuing or look like I'm sucking up to her that I shouldn't do it?

Probably be a 180 for me if I picked up a thermometer ...Also could move a speaker we already have to her bedside ...is this pursuing or 180 since I would never have done things like this before?

Not going to do it ...unbidden, I think I got it, anything sucking up to W is pursuing -correct?

My opinion, buy the thermometer because its for your kids but don't point it out. It would seem like trying to earn points. I would not pursue the speakers at all. Trying to be sweet will not get a good response right now.

Sorry to say but your thoughts are heavily on what she thinks right now. Are you finding it hard to detach?

If you buy a thermometer for your child, a good thing to do as a father, simply unwrap it and put it in the cupboard. Don't mention it other than matter of factly- that would be pursuing. On the speaker, leave it alone. Putting it beside her bed would definitely result in her rolling her eyes.

She knows you don't want a divorce. Doing the things that are pursuing will cause her to feel that you aren't getting it and she will push back harder than she already is. You are making the OM look like a hero. He just has to sit back while you self destruct.

Hs

Thanks Bunches and Hs. Yeah my thoughts are on what she thinks. I know I have to stop that. Have to catch myself when being nice. Today I had a couple coupons for a free lunch at a sub shop and asked her if she wanted me to pick her up lunch too ...she said no thanks and I then thought why did I even bother asking. When she came home from work I was pouring me a glass of wine ...so I offered to pour her a glass too ...she said sure. But should I be doing these things? Like I mentioned in previous post, I still bring her morning coffee and pack her and kids lunch in the morning ...she takes kids to school in the morning and heads to the office; I work from home so I have always been doing this. The therapist/marriage counselor we used to see together but that I now see alone said I should not tell her to get her own coffee and pack her own lunch if what I want is to reconcile the marriage ...what's your take on this? I'm very interested in your thoughts. Thanks!

Update...pleasant evening last night. Shared a bottle of wine, nice light dinner conversation, watched an hour of TV and then I said goodnight first and went to bed. Funny how W now mentions such small things she doesn't like ..last night there was a lemon and knife sitting on the counter so I just assumed it was there to be sliced up because we always have sliced lemon in the fridge for tea so I cut it up ...later in the night like just before I'm going to bed she tells me the lemon was for the marinade for tonight's dinner and I sliced it up and that's how I've always been thinking I know what needs to be done and I'll never change ...i just said I shouldn't have assumed and next time will ask her ...just crazy how she now mentions stupid little stuff like this now ...she never ever did before ...it's like she just has to find something to complain about me