Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Same Song, Different Verse

After reading these forums frequently for the past couple weeks, I finally decided to jump in the boat, too. My story is pretty similar to many others, but I'll tell it anyway. Long story, short....

BD came on 11/17/2013 when I got the ILYBINILWY and "I'm done!" after confronting W following a real bad couple of weeks. Marriage hadn't been good for several years, but I didn't realize it was that bad either. Lots of hurtful things said to her over the years that she had never let go of and had been carrying around.

Last straw came after a pretty intense argument about two years ago ago. Apparently, she had made up her mind back then that she was leaving, but was going to wait until D17 got out of high school. She did a good job of keeping this from me as i was totally shocked at the BD.

After the long talk we had immediately following the BD, we agreed to try to work it out, but she warned it was going to take some time because of the wall she had built. However the next few weeks didn't seem like things were changing at all so I began to wonder if there might be more to the story.

Then a couple weeks before Christmas, I found some text messages on her phone that confirmed my suspicions. W claims it began with just friendly texting after our "last straw" episode, but had more recently escalated to dinner and eventually a physical A over time. I guess you could call this BD2.

Even though I was completely devastated, we again agreed to try to work it out. She agreed to end it immediatley with the OM and we began seeing a counselor together that week. After a few sessions together, W was having serious doubts on whether she even wanted it to work, so we began IC to work on individual issues.

W still insisted that she needed to move out to figure out some things for herself and if she wanted to work on our M. She stayed at our house for the next few weeks while she was getting her finances in order and then moved with D17 to an apartment on 2/1/13. Very little physical contact during that time, W said she just needed me to be her friend, which I did. I made it clear that I did not want the S but would respect her decision if she thought she needed it to work stuff out. I even helped her move her things to the apartment. We agreed to reevaluate at the end of March. We also agreed not to see anyone else in the mean time.

Detaching has been pretty tough because her birthday was 2/12 and then Valentine's Day on 2/14. We are really close to both of our families and I even went to her parent's to celebrate her birthday with her family. The kids and I took her to dinner and a movie on her birthday and I took her to dinner on Valentine's Day, but it was just friendly and nothing more. Since then, contact has been mostly just when necessary, but I did ride (she asked) with her and her sister to a basketball tournament (playoffs) that D17's high school is playing in.

We also still see each other at church and have agreed to meet every Tuesday for dinner to discuss any issues with our kids and/or families. D17's high school softball season is also beginning so we will see each other at games (it's a really small school).

As for me personally, I just got the DR book, but haven't started reading it. I've been working on making me a better person and doing the 180's WRT my issues that were causing problems in our marriage, and in my life in general. I have a pretty negative attitude and a quick temper so I've been working with IC on those.

Also because another issue she always brings up is the lack of affection and personal attention that I showed her, should I make some subtle attempts to give her compliments when I see her? I've also been giving her small hugs and little pecks on the forehead but they have been pretty platonic and she wouldn't accept anything more than that anyway.I hadwas having an A with a married man that she had become friends with while serving in their employee's association several years ago. Because this is differnt than the way I have been acting, is this considered a 180 or would it be pursuing?

I've also been working out a few times a week, playing basketball a day or two each week, doing a lot of yard work, spending more time in church and in my walk with God, and going out with friends here and there.

W says that she can see that I have made changes but is worried that I'm just doing what it takes to get her to come back and then things will go back to they way they were. I assured her that I didn't want to go back to what was either, because I can see that it should be so much better.

I still feel pretty miserable part of the time, but I am doing much better and try to project a PMA to W, kids and other friends and family. You guys that are able to hang in there for several months or even years hoping that your spouse will come around look pretty amazing to me right now. The short time I've been dealing with this seems like an eternity to me and I don't know that I'll be able to hold on for that long.

Looking forward to your comments and advice.

Jump on the roller coaster. Take care of yourself - easier said than do sometimes. Keep up with the good work and become the man that only a fool would leave. In a similar sitch, your going to have good days and bad days - keep up the PMA.

Best wishes!

Definitely read DR.

Do you know whether she is involved with the OM (or another OM)? I know she said she would stop, but do you know if that has actually happened?

What were the issues in your M? What was she carrying around for a long time?

As for this:

What choice do you have, really? Make no mistake, DBing is about you being the best you can be, for YOU; it is not about sitting around waiting for your W to change her mind.

Most of the LBSs who have been here a long time are still standing for their Ms, but they have moved forward and created a good life for themselves.

Thanks for the feedback!



Yes I'm right in the middle of reading DR right now. Good stuff.



Not really sure about this. Upon discovery of the A I told her she had to break it off immediately. She said that she did so on Dec 16. She has also mentioned a few times (to both me and the counselor) that she was not comfortable in the way she had to end it so abruptly. She has been friends with him for a long time and didn't want him to hate her, but she claimed there had been NC.

Then a couple weeks ago we were at a basketball game and I saw a text from OM on her phone. I do not know the content of the message but she claimed he had just texted her the score of a big upset game in college basketball. She said that he had texted her the day before to see if he could call her, just to see if she was alright. She said they had a brief chat on the phone that was purely innocent and that she had no intentions of having further contact with him. Said she felt better about ending things since she knew he was OK.

I told her I needed her to tell him there could be no further contact between them and she said that she would do so next time he attempts to contact her. As of last Saturday, she said she had not issued NC because he had not contacted her again. Not sure why W can't contact him to tell him about the NC, but she said she doesn't see any need to do so as long as he doesn't contact her anymore.

So I would like to believe that she is done with OM but I don't have any proof, and it's not like she hasn't lied before.



Most of the time when we had arguments, I tried to make sure I won. If things weren't going my way I would say things I knew would hurt her and end the argument right away.

Whether one of us ended up apologizing or neither of us did, she seemed to get over the arguments quickly, even after she had been very upset. Turns out she never got over them and was just storing all the hurt up inside her.

I can't believe how blind I was to how badly this was hurting her.




I understand the DB concept. Make the changes for me so I can move forward a better person, with or without her. If she ends up coming back then that just makes it better. I guess my point is that life is short, how long can/should I wait on her to come around before looking for someone else to spend my life with? I'm definitely willing to hold off on that for now, but I don't know if I can make it for several months or years, like some of the posters here.

Thanks for the input and the well-wishes Cnfused.

I'm hanging in there as best I can.

I know this got pushed down the page a bit but I'm still hoping for additional advice, input, and insight from others....

Weekend was just OK. Saw W and MIL at basketball game on Friday. They sat near but not with me.

W and D17 went Prom dress shopping on Saturday. I went to State HS wrestling tournament with friends.

Weather got bad so she didn't go to church on Sunday but I did then I went to college wrestling dual with other friends.

Talked to her a few times by text and phone about prom dresses, weather etc but nothing about us.

Saw MC this morning by myself for weekly appointment and we talked mostly about my issues but some about how they related to us. W's appointment with MC is tomorrow and our regular Tuesday night catch-up dinner is still on for tomorrow night as far as I know.

Almost through DR first time through. Wrote down some simple, short term goals as instructed in the book. Would Tuesday nights dinner be a good time to ask her about them or should I keep the convo away from M issues?

I think that DR, and Sandi's rules, both say not to bring up anything pushy or remotely-R related so I would not bring that topic up. I would just make the changes and note to yourself what works and what doesn't. You are definitely on the right track though.

Yep, that's a reasonable crib note version. So What are you working on? What didn't you like about your role in the M?



Where do those come from? Have you dug into them? How are you addressing?



This question is asked over and over....usually very early in someone's sitch. Ultimately, it's a personal choice....you have to decide what is right for you.

For me, I really focused on becoming the man only a fool would leave. Only when I thought I'd got there was I really ready to let go. Once I'd made my changes and they'd been accepted as real and lasting....when there were no longer any excuses for her to not work on the M....then it was time for me. Of course, even post D, and dating, I still have a twinkle of hope in the back of my mind that she addresses her issues and reconciliation could happen down the road....and I've been D'd for almost a year.

I think a lot of both of those comes from how I was raised and how I grew up. The negative attitude part I think I can fix a lot on my own just by consciously trying to see the bright side of things. It's not that I have a negative attitude on life as a whole but in many situations I always kind of expected the worst, and then if that didn't happen I was never disappointed.

The anger part is going to be more difficult for me to get under control. Some of it I can do on my own but I've been working with the counselor and reading some books on managing my anger. It has never gotten to the point of physical violence as far as hitting her but yelling was not uncommon and there were a few times when I would throw, slam or hit things. That's one thing I just thought was normal early on because that's how my Dad vented, but as time went on that is one thing that I really didn't like about myself, but I didn't know any other ways to deal with or express my anger.