Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis A twist on cake-eating & dropping a bomb of my own

2T2M, you need to show your H that you have a life. Obviously, he likes his party life right now and he just cannot fit you in it, or doesn’t want to. But, it looks to me that he doesn’t want to lose you. Do you realize how lucky you are that he still says these words “I love you” to you and acknowledges your anniversary? The majority of posters here don’t get that.

So, I would say that you need to make these news about your exciting life delivered to him somehow. I remember you said that some people at work liked to gossip. Why don’t you use them? Even my DB coach suggested to me to open the Facebook account, so the news about my life would get to H. Unfortunately, H doesn’t have FB either, so there is almost no chance that it will work.

What do you do for GAL?

He sent flowers for our anniversary. The card read:

Even though I am away, I don't forget. Happy Anniversary. Love you.

So I got two "I love you" messages today. You are right. It does sound like he doesn't want to lose me. I actually know this. I suppose I am being too "needy" by expecting or wanting more. All I want is his time - more time here with me rather than away. I need to feel like I am at least as important as his business over there (he knows that) and I feel like I am not as important. I suppose I want more than he is capable of right now. I have such a hard time with that. Sort of like give me an inch and I want a mile. I am obviously not a patient person and need to learn to be one.

As far as GAL, I have been sick since before Christmas. I have spent every weekend "resting" and trying to get back on my feet (at least so I could function at the office). So, I haven't done a lot for the past month. Normally I would be doing projects around the house ... usually painting. We bought a "used" home several years ago and I have spent a lot of time trying to make it "ours" ... painting, redecorating, etc But, with the exception of a couple of small projects, I am about done with that.

I put a lot of effort into making the home look festive for the holidays, but that effort was pretty much unnoticed ... I guess I sat on the couch watching TV and elves came in to decorate.

I go to dinner with a couple of friends regularly ... friends he has come to dislike, ironically because he told them about his antics in India months before I knew what was going on and I think he is embarrassed that they know too much about our issues. Or, he has figured out that they don't approve of how he has treated me.

I like to travel and have planned a couple of trips without him. Just about every time he finds out about them, he asks to join me. I know ... that is a good thing. But, I am moving on and doing what I like to do and that just doesn't register. I have another (kind of big) trip on the agenda. I won't tell him about that one ahead of time.

I travel to my kids and sister's place pretty regularly (they are all about a 6 hour drive from here). Many of those trips take place when he is not here.

I make plans to see Broadway shows that come to town and usually plan them for when he is home. I make an attempt to "be busy" when he is here ... but he always asks if I want company and ends up coming along.

I really don't understand why he thinks all I do is sit on then couch and watch TV. I admit, i have done that a lot for the past two weeks, but I've been sick and have been trying to get over it. Sitting on the couch and watching movies has been better than lying in bed staring at the ceiling while trying to shake what ails me

He claims he never watches TV or movies anymore and when he is home, the TV is rarely turned on. When it is, he is the one who wants to "catch up" on shows we used to watch together that he enjoyed and has not seen. And, he asks if I have seen any good movies he might enjoy ... then finds and watches them when he goes back. Then he tries to claim it is me that wants to do nothing but watch TV and he has no interest in that!

I don't go to bars or have a group of friends that I go out with to drink and party or put myself in a position to get attracted to someone of the opposite sex (which he did) that would cause issues between h and I. It is becoming increasingly obvious to me that he judges my GAL activities based on his GAL activities over there. Since alcohol, parties and late nights are not "my thing" I suppose he thinks I have no life!

I am rapidly reaching the point where I think the only way he will "see" that I do have a life when he is not here is to just leave town and not be here when he is home. The problem with that is I don't want him here in the house without me.

It is so frustrating ... he has dumped the business and the maintenance of this old home on me and that alone fills up my time. But because I don't do all of that and then go out and party with friends on top of that, I have no life and I am boring!

In an effort to do a 180 and "prove" him wrong, I looked for and found a women's "over 45" group to get involved with, but I am still debating that. I am a huge introvert and am extremely self-conscience around people I don't know. It takes time for me to warm up to strangers. He knew this when he married me (It's one of the things that was so awesome about out R - we complemented each other perfectly) ... and I feel like he is trying to change who I am. I realize that there is a point where I just have to say ... no, that is not who I am and you knew this. I can't change who I am to satisfy your new demands of who you think you want right now.

I am not a workout type, so a gym membership is not for me. There are some online courses that interest me (just for fun), but, again, that is not partying with people and I've done it before, so it wouldn't impress him (although I am looking at a course about body language - that might get his attention!)

Anyway, that is where I am. I would love some suggestions for 180's for an introverted, self-conscience old fart that would work in this situation.

2T2M

Yes, it definitely sounds like he doesn't want to lose you and is pretty confused right now. I'm a sucker for flowers as well as romantic thoughts/gestures...which is what you got from your husband for your anniversary...at least what he could give (considering where he's at emotionally/mentally right now).

Have you considered joining a book club or another group that has a specific activity associated to it to make it perhaps easier for you to participate?

I did a search for self soothing activities because I realized I need to do something other than eat compulsively and become a depressed, obsessed woman...it's really not as much FUN as I thought it would be. LOL Or at least that's how it felt by the end of the weekend last night.

In any event I printed some really great lists off the internet that I'm going to keep on the fridge to keep me focused on positive ways to care for and love myself.

My recovery is coming along. I didn't need any of the prescription pain meds today ... Yeah. But I am still on restricted activity. The pain is pretty much gone, but the internal bleeding caused an interesting rainbow of colors on my lower abdomen. Looks like I got run over by a truck.

It is getting pretty boring here at the house by myself. I have a follow up appointment day after tomorrow and hope I get the green light to resume normal activities.

I do get a lot of calls from folks checking up on me. I find it somewhat interesting that I haven't heard a word from my in-laws. I'm sure they know ... H's brother works with us - I can't believe he wouldn't tell them what happened. Odd. They aren't usually like that. I suppose I will call them tomorrow.

I received flowers from my D today. That was sweet.

My D gave me a gift certificate to a local day spa for Christmas. I think I will be putting that to use very soon! It's also time to touch up some gray hair. I see some serious pampering in the near future. The sad part about the gray touch-up is that H used to do that for me ... a lot cheaper at home than at the salon and he got pretty good at it. Oh well. At least the salon is a chance to meet some people and get some of the extras.

H called this morning but I haven't heard from him since.

I suppose you could say I have thrown in the towel. I told H I wanted him to buy me out of the company and I wanted to give him the D he asked for in Nov. I am fully prepared to follow through and am figuring out the best path.

When he asked for D, I told him I wouldn't fight it, but I couldn't continue to work with him and would have to move on ... that the business relationship would have to end as well. He sat on the couch and just kept saying "I can't have what I want. I can't have what I want." In his fantasy, we would get D, remain good friends and business partners and if he ever decided to come back to me, he knows I will take him back.

When he came back home in Dec, he told me to forget about his desire for a D ... that he didn't want that. He made no other comments about our R. Just that.

He wasn't here for the holidays or our anniversary this past week. And when I got sick and had to be hospitalized, he didn't come back because he had a big move planned over there and couldn't leave.

I kept thinking about a trip home in Sept. that he cut short because an employee over there was sick and in the hospital and "had no one to take care of her." Her whole family is there as well as her fiance. That was all probably a bunch of BS, but still, the whole episode just kept going through my mind.

I had hoped that once the big move was complete over there, that things would take a better turn. But when I asked about his future plans with that operation, he started telling me about further expansions, etc. It was very clear to me that nothing is going to change ... that he intends to continue to live over there and pursue his fantasy. It was also very clear that he expects me to continue to run his company here that he has practically abandoned.

When I told him I wanted out of the business and the M, he threw a temper tantrum via email But, the primary focus of the email was how sick and tired he was of our employees knowing about our personal life. He blamed me for that, of course. All they have to do is look at his behavior and they can see that something is not right. He said he was sick of me going to them when I needed something, but at the same time, he tells me to have so-and-so come over and "help you with that."

As for the business, he claims what he is doing is for "us" and it is obvious to him that he was wrong to think I would want to do this for "us" as well. When I spoke with him later on the phone, I told him that there was no "us" anymore. That there was him over there and me over here and there is no "us."

Since Nov. when I said I wouldn't fight a D, he has done little stuff that seemed like he was trying to resolve R issues, but I feel like our R is not his real motivation. I feel like his true motivation is his business over there and keeping me under control and pacified so I will continue to make it easy for him there ... business-wise and personally.

I feel like I am enabling him to keep pursuing his fantasy life there by holding down the fort here and by being the good little wife who lets him treat me like crap, keeping my mouth shut and ignoring the hurtful things he does to me. I latch onto the smallest baby step I see, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I am letting him control me.

So, that's where it stands. I intend to hire someone to do the books and payroll next month and will hopefully be free of the business by summer. I don't want to run his company ... never have ... and I hate doing it. He told me I needed to figure out if what I was doing here was for me or for him. He said that if it was for him, that was not a good reason. Well, he is right. I have been taking care of his business for him ... not me. It was fine when we were a team working for a common goal and I wasn't carrying the lion's share of the load here. But we aren't a team anymore and I am carrying the load here. I didn't ask for that and I don't want to spend my life doing something I hate doing.

Sad times, indeed.

2t2m

I must have missed this part [My recovery is coming along. I didn't need any of the prescription pain meds today ... Yeah. But I am still on restricted activity. The pain is pretty much gone, but the internal bleeding caused an interesting rainbow of colors on my lower abdomen. Looks like I got run over by a truck.[/quote] What happened?

As for throwing in the towel: what made you decide that since two days ago? I know you've been struggling with it since November (or before?) but why the change of heart in the past two days?

While I have no doubt you'll go through with it, I suggest that you're still not "done". Medium-rare perhaps...

AJ

AJ

Hi AJ,

I tore a muscle in my stomach and started bleeding internally. I spent two nights in the hospital ... they had to "cap off" an artery or whatever they did to it to stop the bleeding. It was quite painful, but I was lucky ... I didn't wait too long to get to an ER.

As for the change of mind. You know I have been struggling for a long time over the reason he "needs" me in his life. He says on occasion that he loves me and he does the little things he thinks he should do like send anniversary flowers or say he wishes he were here on holidays, etc. But, when it comes to big things like the hospital episode, he just can't find time for me. There is no reason he couldn't have been here for the holidays and there is no reason he couldn't have come home to help me recuperate. He stays there by choice. He relies on employees and family to help me out when I need it and then complains because I make him look like the bad guy. Well ... if the show fits? I also know that some of his excuses for not being here and having to be there were lies.

I believe that his change of heart about a D was only because he realized that I wouldn't continue to be his business partner and he knows he can't do what he wants if I am not on board ... at least at this point. I could be wrong, but he just doesn't give me any reason to think otherwise. I think he does love me and I think he realizes that in moments of clarity, but those moments pass quickly and he goes right back to being a jerk and dishing out hurt.

I tried just shutting up and rolling with the punches, but I feel like it just gives him the idea that I'm okay with the way our lives are and I definitely am not. That tactic does seem to bring him closer, but I feel like it also signals that this situation can continue. I just don't know how to silently take the punches and make it clear that the state of our R is unacceptable to me at the same time.

Right now, he has what he asked for in Nov ... He's doing his own thing, we are "friends" and I am still his business partner ... It's just that we are still officially married. He said he didn't want to be married or be a husband, and that is how he is behaving in my eyes.

Right now, he has me stuck. He knows I won't just walk away because we have employees that wouldn't get paid. He knows I wouldn't harm them. So, he really has no concerns ... he can just keep on doing what he's doing, knowing I can't walk away.

I need to get unstuck. I need to get to a position that I can say "I quit." Thus, hiring a bookkeeper. That is actually a huge 180 for me ... I have always resisted the idea of turning the finances over to someone else.

You are right. This is not the direction I want to go. On the other hand, I look at the man he has become and I really question if this uncaring, selfish person is really someone I want to hang onto. If I hear him call our employees donkeys one more time I think I will blow a gasket!

Ouch. Glad the ER visit went well.

I see what you're saying. I do believe you won't let things continue as they are and also that it's not what you want at this time.

But I also understand.

Peace,
AJ

Well, it's been a while since I posted and I desperately need some moral support.

Everything has been status quo for weeks. H was here a couple of weeks ago with one of the employees from overseas, so there wasn't much interaction.

Last weekend I came across his Facebook page which he opened several years ago but never did anything with. He listed his "living in" as the country he is now working in, his "from" place as here. He added a profile pic and the first post was from OW .. the one he claimed he ended it with ... saying "Someone is looking handsome" with one of those smiley faces with the tongue hanging out.

If the R with OW was over, why would she be flirting with him on Facebook?

He was due back a few days after I saw that and I texted him to plan on staying somewhere other than here and to plan on moving his personal belongings out of the house. I told him it was over ... that I was done.

He is staying at a hotel. I've seen him twice, briefly. I took the last two days off to avoid him at the office.

He texted to me before he got back that I was under a lot of misconceptions and wanted to talk. He said this is not what he wants. I replied that I was willing to listen to what he had to say, but I doubted I would change my mind. I told him that as far as I was concerned, it's over.

During the past two days I have been off he has been working on getting the paperwork to separate bank accounts, etc. and said we needed to get all of those signed and notarized.

I have an appointment with an attorney next week.

At least he has been shocked into patching up R's with employees that he has been treating like crap. He said tonight that he has decided to "forgive" them for what he sees as doing him wrong. He said he is going to take care of "his" business. It really kind of [censored] that I had to sacrifice our M to wake him up. But then I wonder if he is playing the same game with them as he does with me. Tell them a pack of lies and then nothing changes.

In the meantime, he is telling them garbage designed to make me out as the "bad guy" for leaving the company. He is trying to re-establish loyalty to him by making it look like I am walking out, which I suppose is what I am doing. I just can't continue to work for his benefit when OW is reaping all the benefits.

I knew when I took on the last LRT, that it might not work to my benefit. And I know that it has only been a few days. In some respects, I am ok with D, but in other respects, I am devastated.

I need some words of wisdom.

2T2M, first of all I'm sorry for what you are going through. It all is so crazy, but I think you are probably at that point of diminishing returns. And I know you know this, but it is ultimately up to you to determine how much more of this you can take.

I waited it out until H took action in Feb., but there were times in the 9 months of waiting that I was so unsure of how much more I could take. Had it gone on much longer I probably would have started the D process myself, but I didn't want to be the one to do his dirty work for him. (He's the one who wants to divorce.)

When I read about your husband's attitude, my first instinct is to tell you to file. He's not finished with the OW - - and who wants to be second in line. Not you! My H has one too . . sometimes I feel so demoralized that he can't have the respect and the decency to keep his pants on until he clears things up with me. Plus she has kids, girls who are of an impressionable age - what is she teaching them? They've probably been lied to by each of them saying he's already divorced, but I speculate and digress.

Anyway, back to you. You are worthy of so much more respect than what he is giving you. I don't care about whether it's MLC or not that drives his actions. You are a good and decent person who should be shown respect, and respect yourself. And I have a hard time thinking that your employees would believe the garbage that's coming out of his mouth about you leaving . . . they know. They're like your kids . . . kids have built in BS detectors when it comes to their parents.Deep down they know what the truth is..

I think you will find going to the attorney will give you a sense of empowerment and ease of mind because you will find out what you can and can't do - what your rights are and what you have a right to. And you'll probably find out what you could expect from him. Like it is always said here, knowledge is power. I experienced that last week when I sought legal consultation. I felt sooooo much better when I came out of the attorney's office. I know I'm not guaranteed anything, but at least I know what I can ask for and bargain with (we're seeing a mediator).

Hang in there, my friend. It just sounds to me like you would be better off without him right now - and divorce is never final. Ya, I know . . . we can't predict the future, but all we have is the here and now so make it the best for YOU!!! He's having fun . . . or so he thinks....

I'll check in on you later tonight. Love and Hugs ((())))- J