He is so different than he has been for months. I can't figure it out and I don't quite know how to deal with it.
Ok, this may just be the usual semi-euphoria of them finally having made a decision.
BUT - something is setting off my spidey-sense, especially when he talks about not being able to be the husband you need (and he's right about that, you know that, right? You deserve much better).
Anyway - my question is this - do you think OW could be pregnant?
Of course, she could be pregnant. But, he has insisted all the time I've known him that he did not want kids. So that would not be something he wanted .... unless the fog is guiding him. Prior to this mess, he would have viewed that as a disaster.
Thank you, Job. I always value your insight. I know he thinks that I will always be here if he should figure out this is a mistake. He has said as much.
He is continuing to be calm and cooperative. I expressed my doubts about our CPA doing the business eval today and he took it well. A month ago, he would have gotten angry with me and tried to convince me how wrong I was not to see things his way. He still tried to convince me of his point of view, but there was no anger.
I told him that I would have to talk to my L about that ... that I paid for his advice and would listen to it. He didn't get angry at all. Just said to talk to him and get some guidance. Not at all what I have experienced the past few months.
He is behaving so much like the H I knew - at least toward me - but I also see some of that anger running beneath ... like toward the employees he hates. I don't know what to think. I don't know if this is manipulation or not. But I will stay the course. I know I have to put me first.
Someone please explain this one. I have had this sexual fantasy for all the years I've known him (20) and he knew what it was. He never made any attempt to fulfill it. Today, he did ... without the props, but close enough. What the heck does that mean? I should have stopped him, but having a fantasy fulfilled is kind of nice!
If this is manipulation, then I want nothing to do with him ... obviously. But, if he is trying to do some kind of reconnection, then I want to be open to that. How do I tell?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
KML ... I think pregnancy would be a disaster for her also. IF he is anywhere close to the truth, she is married (an arranged marriage common in that culture) and has been separated for years. She and her husband live their own lives, but keep up appearances for family honor. If she was pregnant, she would shame her family and be an outcast or would have to go back to her H. That's if I am getting the truth.
If she is and H wants to do the honorable thing, then good riddance to him. At least I will know that he has paid a higher price than intended.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
To me, it sounds like he's detached quite a bit and yes, generally once the ball starts rolling on divorce, they follow through. In their minds they have do this no matter if it's the biggest mistake of their lives. Of course, when they say that they will always be there for you, they are hoping to be friends, but also thinking that you will be right where he left you, if he should ever wake up.
I completely agree with Job. Sounds like my H a year ago. If I would have started the D process, he would have followed through. I think what stopped him at a time was that I said that I want to hire a lawyer.
My H didn’t want the kids and I honored that. He knew I would not pull a surprise on him. He was operating on this trust until he realized that not every woman is as honest. There are some who will say that they don’t want the kids, but secretly hope for him changing his mind or they just get pregnant. This was the case with the cousin of our mutual friends, who H wanted to date. She told him that she didn’t want the kids, but my GF knew for sure that it was a lie and she wanted to have the kids. Well, my H finally had a vasectomy.
It looks like your H is very confused. I cannot explain the why he followed on your fantasy. Maybe be deep down he doesn’t want to lose you and just wants to leave an impression in case he decides to reconcile? I don’t know, I let the vets to chime in here.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
If H is confused, I will double down on that ... I have no idea what is going on right now.
For months I have seen this guy who is angry and full of rage and hostility at everyone and everything. Now, all of sudden, he seems to be at peace. Maybe it is as Job said ... he has detached that much and is ready for D and to move on.
But, he is complimenting me (my hair, my clothes, etc.), using cute little terms he used years ago to refer to my body parts (legs, nose) and flirting with me!
He has a ton of "miles" on his airline account which I have always called "status." He can can gift me some "status" each year so I don't have to pay bag fees and can board early, etc. He told me today that he would always do that and I would always have "status."
Today, he offered to financially help out one of our employees who is in bad financial condition ... a good guy who needs a little help to get back on his feet. A month ago he would not have done that ... wouldn't have lifted a finger no matter how loyal he is to the company. He has done that in the past, but recently all he has done is complain about how he has helped people and they don't appreciate it. He told me to give a bonus to an employee that is a good one and a few months ago, he wouldn't have given her diddly.
Then when we get serious about attorney's and evals of the company, he is calm and and doesn't object to anything I say or do. He just keeps telling me that he can't be the kind of H that I need. I told him that it wasn't his place to decide what kind of H I needed or wanted.
I keep asking myself ... who is this guy and what is he up to? Is this for real or an act?
His Mom had a massive stoke at age 53. H is approaching that age. When I finally had enough of letting him figure it out on his own, I practiced some tough love and told him what any friend should have. I didn't pull any punches. I showed him the comparison of his present lifestyle to his Mom's and asked if that is what he wanted?
He told his brother this past week that he realized he was on the same path as his Mom. That he didn't want to end up there.
Apparently, I got through to him. Is he beginning to see how self-destructive his behavior is?
What the heck is going here and how do I deal with it? I feel like I am in uncharted territory.
I am perfectly prepared to proceed with D, but if we are at a turning point, I don't want to be too hasty.
Pros ... I need advice.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
He seems to have periods of clarity where he admits he knows he is confused and admits that he has done things he knows were wrong and hurtful.
He told me that for the longest time he had me on a pedestal and I was #1. But he became selfish, made himself #1, knocked me off the pedestal and took my place. He said he thought it was pretty great up there, but he was looking down on me and he didn't like looking down on me. He also said, many times, that if he had known where we would end up, he never would have gone down this path.
Not everyone admits this^^ though I suspect it's true for MOST. But I have not finished your thread so any comments I make for now, are probably not "completely" thought out. But I know I'll forget these posts if I wait til I'm all done so I may comment soon on what I see now...okay?
I suppose that is normal - to flip back and forth between the confusion and the clarity - but I didn't expect him to show me that vulnerability. But, other times, he was adamant that he was going to pursue this new aspect of the business - with or without me. It was really, really hard to validate that desire, but I did. I told him I admired the fact that he could set a goal and had the courage to try to achieve it. Ugh!
LBSs do NOT have to "VALIDATE" every single thing a WAS says! Good grief. Do not validate crappy stupid selfish things. There are times you can Just listen.
The other interesting thing that happened:
It was rather cold and I mentioned I was going to take a bath before bed to warm up. I told him he was welcome to join me if he wanted to "warm his bones." (We used to share baths a lot.) Surprisingly, he did. But, as he was sitting at his end of the tub, his eyes kept darting around the room - looking at the ceiling, the walls, everywhere but in my direction. He was clearly very uncomfortable. I just chatted and made small talk, he thawed and we eventually ended up ML that evening before going to our separate rooms. I know that the shared bath is little more intimate that just having a romp and I know that it probably brought back some memories, but I'm wondering if he may have felt he was cheating on OW by his behavior?
I know the issue of ML under these circumstances is debatable around here, but that is H's way of connecting and I think it would do more harm than good to refuse him. And, if he feels like he's "cheating" on OW and begins to question his commitment to her, good!
I'm not someone who bashes anyone for being intimate with THEIR own spouse.
It's a very personal delicate intimate issue, obviously. My question is just how did YOU FEEL about it later?
And if you think he's sleeping around much, you may want to use some precautions. (but No, I would not know how to broach that either without sounding angry or weirdly suspicious.)
I think that's all I have for now, til I finish your whole thread.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Maybe this is where you clarify what your expectations are for this relationship today and take a look at how long you are willing to wait.
I had to chuckle when I read this one. My C and I discuss this every time I see her ... how long are you willing to wait? She wants a time line, but I don't think dealing with someone in MLC is the kind of thing you can put a targeted date on.
Interesting that your C has repeatedly asked you to do this, and probably knows something about MLCs but you resist the suggestion... Why?
The timeline is NOT for your h. IT's for YOU. I had one. I needed an internal timeline for my h, and it was based on 2 things.
First - What was the longest I could go and not feel like crap about myself,
and 2) what was best for our children. It so happens that our oldest child at home then, was then a junior in high school so I chose to TRY and last til she graduated.
I did NOT tell h this, or anyone else. I just promised my d's we would not move til after oldest D had graduated.
About 6 months before she did, h began to awaken and "Begged" me to join him, so he "Could be the h I deserve" , etc.
Without that deadline I doubt I could have endured things as long as I did.
It also helped ME to know that limbo would have an end and that I was the one who would determine that.
Limbo does have to have an end or THEY will decide it for us in a horrible way, (like by you learning that he has 2 kids somewhere, or OW is pregnant and wants him to choose, OR something really bad at work falls apart and he is more exposed and you are bankrupt, etc)...
I'm curious about what your "PLAN A" is.
Is it that you can sell the business over there or that he hands off the management to someone else, or what?
B/C for now it seems there is no end in sight to this physical sep, and how on earth can the marriage prosper, like that?
I've been dealing with long distance marriage for some time now, though h recently moved back here full time. But h was coming home on weekends, b/c he worked 3 hours away, (in order to qualify for an added pension).
I considered that too much time away and it really was. We have a d still at home, so he rushed it a bit, finally, to be home for her senior year.
We were both military so we are familiar with long separations and know couples who have managed to stay married despite periodically being apart for up to a year at a time (or worse when in war).
But they have an end date. AND the spouse is not choosing it, the nation has.
Even when h was a deployed to the Middle East for the war, I had some idea about when he'd return (if all went well). The uncertainty of the nature of his work (=dangerous) was bad enough,
but to not know when my bed would no longer be empty, really ate at me. I don't think it's healthy.
I cannot imagine long distance like you have, with several months apart, and no end in sight, FEELING like something that would enrich and nurture either of you. How lonely.
Sadly but most importantly, I do NOT think it's a recipe for marital success.
You need at least an internal private timeline for YOU. (And probably a more discussed public timeline for him too, but he's not my focus; you are).
Anyway, you are right. H has given me some real gifts lately and I am so thankful for that. Asking to join me on vacation was a biggie for me.
read that ^^ again and reflect on what you'd say if, say, your sister had written this.
Also, didn't you ask if you could join him, or was it his idea? I'll go back and read some more now...You asked me to poke my head in and so I did, but I may post more later on.
Food for thought.
He contacts at least once, usually twice, a day just to touch base. He doesn't tell me how to handle household or car issues myself anymore, but volunteers to take care of it when he gets back if it can wait. He says he misses me once in awhile and calls me sweetheart now and then (that's one he doesn't use with other people like sweetie or honey). He asks about my family and other things he knows are important to me.
Seems small, but it is a lot considering where we were just before Thanksgiving. I suppose it is human nature to get a little of something good and want more! If I can keep my focus on the small progress and not let the uncertainty of the future overwhelm me, I'll be okay. Just need patience.
Bottom line is that he hasn't pulled back. He's actually warmed up quite a bit. Socially, he's only doing what he has been doing for the past 6 months or more. In reality, based on what he tells me about his social life over there, he has backed down quite a bit. He was going out, drinking heavily and partying nearly every night. He seems to have cut back on that by about half. (I was also pleased to see when he was home that he was only drinking an occasional beer or glass of wine instead of slamming down several cocktails each night.)
I just need to stay on track and keep doing what I've been doing for the past few weeks.
Thank you so much Heather. And feel free to borrow my New Year's Eve plans! May we both enjoy!
2T
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
On Thursday I had to call 911 and go to the hospital due to severe abdominal pain. Turned out I had coughed so much and so hard from recent cold that I tore a muscle in my stomach and started bleeding internally. They stopped the bleeding and kept me in the hospital for 2 nights. I was pretty bad ... couldn't move for a day or two without horrible pain. Am home now and doing much better although I have severe restrictions on activity.
Contacted H right away, of course. His response .. OMG ... do you need me to come home?? Really? How am I supposed to respond to that? He had a big move scheduled for this weekend and started telling me the ramifications of having to change everything but kept saying he would come home if I "needed" him to. He finally told me that he needed to hear me say "I need you here" and he would come home, but he needed to hear those words. One question. WHY Didn't YOU say those words? What stopped you? DIG DEEP.
I just told him that I would like him to come home, that I wanted him to come home, but I didn't "need" him here. So, of course, he stayed and proceeded on with his plans for his main mistress, that damned factory.
Now that I am on the mend, I am getting angrier and angrier. IMO, you have nothing to be angry at HIM about. This is on you. But you need to know the dynamics of your M, to be really honest here. Maybe the real issue is he's not living there with you and that's what you are really angry about.
You have created a marriage in which you are not the priority, so he's used to you taking a back seat to the business, and frankly, so are you. Maybe that is why you are truly upset.
I can't help but wonder what would have to happen here for him to feel like it was at least as important as the operation over there.
What would have to happen? Sounds as if you had to say 4 words to him: "I need you here."
If I had told him I needed him here, he would have ended up blaming me for delays over there. I feel like he put me in a place of having no choice but to tell him to stay there.
No, you put yourself there and now are blaming him for things that did NOT happen and
are based solely on your expectations of what "MIGHT" have happened IF you had said you needed him. MAYBE HE NEEDS TO BE NEEDED...
You don't KNOW for sure what he'd later think. He was clear, you were not.
So do I say something ... If so, what???
I am just so tired of competing with that damned factory. It is the most important thing in his life ... no question. I hate it and see it as the source of all the unhappiness in my life. He knows that, but he just keeps moving forward and deeper.
I am so ready to just tell him have a great life ... that I am finished!
I'll keep reading your thread to the end, but the question that keeps hitting me so far is,
why would this situation change? Would HE change it? My assumption is that he will NOT change it. There is no indication yet that he will make a change
- (but maybe that's on the next post!)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
