Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Rise & Shine VI

Just keep on keeping on. YOU control how your life goes, no one else.

Sh!t will happen but you get to decide how you respond to it. It's very freeing.

Just caught up on this new threaf. You do sound great!! I like the goal of maximizing positive interactions and minimizing negative ones. I may have to borrow that one.

Enjoy whatever you do this weekend.

BINGO!

And it can look like what eva...you want it to look like! That is not to say that it will be easy.

Keep focused on what you want in your life. Wake up every day and confess - "i'm gonna be happy today". Limit as much as possible anything that does not make you happy or creates drama.

BTW, thank you for responding on my thread.

Peace,
Eric

Hi Everyone! I have been away from the board for a few days. Life has just been busy.

I need to do a little journaling to process some emotions that I have been feeling so that I can get them out, not let resentment build up and move forward.

Before I get into my feelings, I want to let everyone know that I am completely aware that my kids need and deserve lots of time with my H. I completely get it and will not stand in the way of what my kids need/deserve. I am focusing solely on myself and H.

During the past few weeks, my H has dangled the threat of 50/50 custody twice in a situation when he did not get his way and/or was hurt about something. It bothers me so much that he uses this as leverage especially if you consider the past two/three years.

Despite the fact that we both work full time jobs, I have been the primary caretaker of our kids. I buy their clothes, foods, toys...everything. I schedule activities, doctors appointments, school assignments, presents for teachers/birthday parties. I did ALL nighttime feedings/diaper changes for all three kids. I am the one who got up in the middle of the night if someone was crying (my H claims that the kids woke him up which to him equals helping dispute the fact that he never moves).

When we were together, my H and I each had our things that we were good at. I did not mind taking care of the kids because I love it more than I can express. I can honestly say that at the time I did not keep a scorecard about who did more.

Two years ago, however, everything changed when my H stopped doing everything family/house related to focus on his work. And I took on everything. The hardest part for me was not the actual tasks that I took on, but the fact that my H was not there for me or the kids. While my H did make it to S5's baseball games and to school conferences, that was it. We did nothing else as a family. If H was around, he sat in our basement on his phone/computer. Each night at bedtime, he would sit downstairs while I struggled to get the two older kids to bed while nursing my youngest guy. I was truly a single mom for the past two years.

My H has made A LOT of changes regarding his parenting of our kids. I have told him on several occasions that I am really proud of him. My H spends a lot more quality time with the kids.

However, our parenting is still not anywhere close to 50/50. And I guess that is the hardest thing for me to process. My H has no problem threatening 50/50 custody, yet he still does not take on 50% of the parenting responsibility.

My H has made several comments that hurt so much to hear: "The novelty of being a parent ran out after S5 turned one." "I post pictures of the kids on FB because it helps my business."

It is so crazy that my H can demand and get 50/50 custody when he checked out and has not been a parent for the past two/three years. I honestly do not even know if he really would want 50/50 custody. He would not be able to maintain his business at its current level if he had 50/50. What if he demands 50/50 custody and realizes that it is a LOT of work? Will he just check out again and take back that promise too?

I know that my kids need their father and I want them to have a good R with him. There are some days that I am just heartbroken over the fact that my H can make a unilateral decision that will affect my life and my R with the kids.

I know that this is long, but I just needed to get out my anger and frustration. I dont want to bottle it up and get me stuck.

Deep breaths...today is a new day...

Journal on...what would be your ideal arrangement.

Why/when does he "dangle the threat"?

3Boyz

1) What would be acceptable to you? What does the custody plan look like?

2) IF he wants 50/50, one way to leave it somewhat open (at least legally) is to have a "flixiable parenting plan" with a default schedule.

Let's turn that around- what if you give H 50-50 custody and he turns into Super Dad? What if he's involved in their lives like he's never been before? You said it right here:

"My H has made A LOT of changes regarding his parenting of our kids. I have told him on several occasions that I am really proud of him. My H spends a lot more quality time with the kids."

I think your fears are based on who he was rather than who he is. Next time he throws out 50-50 custody you might try responding with "you know what? As much as I don't like the idea of not seeing the kids all the time, you have been a greatly improved father lately and I would consider a 50-50 arrangement." His response will tell you whether he's saying it as a "threat" or whether he really does want them more often.

I recently went through a very similar experience with my H. My H loves our son, no doubt, but he works 90 hours a week and out of the blue started demanding 50/50 custody as a leverage point because he was angry with me. My H couldn't give me a schedule of when he could actually have our S but was very adamant that he would accept absolutely no compromises on the 50/50 thing.

I saw an attorney because my S is only 6 months old and I wanted to understand the custody process since he's so young. It put my mind at ease because it sounds like custody agreements aren't nearly as permanent as people think they are. They are actually pretty fluid and you can request they get amended as circumstances change. (at least in my state)

In my case my attorney advised me to keep a journal of how many hours/days my H is actually spending with my S currently. Since I told my H he can see our S as often as he likes it will be good to be able to say "when he had unlimited access, here's how often he actually came around..." should this ever go to mediation/court. For the past few weeks its been about 4.5 hours per week so I'm pretty sure his 50/50 argument won't hold up.

Also, my attorney said even if you come to an agreement at mediation/court you can always go back and request changes. Visitation is a use it or lose it thing. If you are giving him 50/50 but he's not using all of it, or has babysitters most of the time, you can petition the court to drop the extra hours he's not really using.

I'm nursing a little one while taking care of older kids too so I know what its like to spend literally hundreds of hours taking care of little ones only to have someone think they can use time with your kids as a negotiation tactic. However, I also think my little guy needs his dad just as much as he needs me in the long run. I can't give my H 50/50 right now because the baby is so young, but its always been my intention to let him build more and more visitation hours as my H actually uses them.

If he is talking 50/50 can you say 'ok, how do we make that happen,' rather than letting him drag you into the emotional battle he's trying to get you in? If he wants the time, give it to him and let him figure out on his own that he can't reasonably have them that much. Whether you walk away with primary custody or you walk away with your kids having a dad that has changed his own life to accommodate having the kids more you really can't lose.

3-

A.S. gave a great way to respond to H and

T-I-S provided a good example of logging actual hours and the reality that this is likely an empty threat.

Why is your H saying this to you? Is he threatening D again? How are things between you two other than these instances?

3boyz, I wouldn't say "yes, let's make that happen," nor would I argue with him about it. I would blow it off. Unless I am misunderstanding - but if I am correct, you have an agreement that has been working well for you, and your H doesn't even have a place he can take them 50% of the time. And, it doesn't sound like you are even close to filing anything, so this seems like a moot point, and your H is just trying to go for the jugular.

I'm sorry, I know how you feel bc my H just did the same thing to me. It really hurts to know that they are using their own children to get back at us - how gross.

Also, as you know, custody arrangements are supposed to be determined based on the best interests of the children. Even with my "older" kids, since I have been a SAHM and their primary caretaker for their entire lives, the expert I spoke with advised starting out with less than 50% time with H, and slowly moving towards that if things are working well as they get older and more use to being with him alone.

Your guys are littler, and I can't imagine any expert would say it is in your 1 year old's best interest would be to be split between two households. The younger the kid is, the more he or she needs a "home."

Dads aren't entitled to 50/50 custody, and I disagree with others who say that children are always best served by splitting their time 50/50. Much of it depends on the age of the child, the fitness of the father to have them (and I mean things like, having a place to live, for starters, that is fit for children, having the time to parent them, etc., not just that he is not hooked on drugs or abusive), and the history of time spent with each parent.

Still, I think that all of this is a moot point right now . . . it sounds like your H is just being an ass right now. I would just let it go.