Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I need all the help i can get

Thanks MM.

My faults are easy-
I've got very severe depression. I have been numb to everyone else's emotions and hyper sensitive to my own.
I'm passive aggressive. I pick fault, moan, belittle, etc etc. I have avoided real confrontation like the plague though
I am dismissive of other people
I allowed my business to die and have not contributed to or supported my family in 12 months.
I have become fat and unfit
I have stopped dressing nicely.
I stopped socializing.
Our sex life is poor and I have developed prem ejac through stress.
I am lazy

A lot of this could be attained to my depression - however I feel that that is too easy an excuse - even though I am depressed I haven't been treating my family in any of the ways they deserve.

I am also jealous, insecure and needy.

Phew! May need a beer now!

I have just started taking Prozac. In 3 days in and it's helping. Whether it is the drug itself or purely the act of taking action I don't know, but I feel calmer and more collected.

I am eating well and trying to sleep.

I have dug out the old weights and bench and will be working out in the garage.
I aim to swim and join a gym when money will allow.

I have been in touch with old friends and I am hoping to meet up with them soon.

I had a job interview today. It went very well and I received an offer after the meeting. My wife seems to have mice feelings about this, but I'm unsure why.

I am interacting with my kids more, ensuring that they feel loved and cared for by playing games, singing songs, reading and lots of cuddles.

I am failing to put any 180s in place. My wife's biggest bugbear is that I lack passion. I have never raised my voice to her. Parhaps I should be more vocal and let her hear when I'm angry?

Also, I'm struggling with Sandi's 37 steps. Any tips on how to put them into practice when still sharing a bed and spending lots of time together with the kids?

Many thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts
Recruit

Recruit,

Have you bought and read the books?

You have started the most important 180 for you...addressing the depression.

You have a significant list of things to change...Think about what the complete opposite of your old behavior would look like and then do it!!!

Stop the pleading, crying, begging.....very unattractive behavior.

Do not argue or raise your voice.....I highly doubt that is what she meant by passion.

I told her this evening when she was having a go at me that I wouldn't get angry or shout or argue back.

She said that was part of my problem - that I never got angry and I never show passion for anything....


I have DB which I have just started. I have bought DR which is on its way from Amazon

Recruit,

I'm trying to empathize with your wife a bit here. It seems that she wants you to fight for her in some way. I'm thinking "out loud" here, but maybe there are ways that you can demonstrate that passion she is looking for without a direct argument with her. Think of it as a 180 of the behavior she expects from you.

What are some things that she's complained about in the past where you were passive instead of action oriented? Perhaps just a general attitude of taking life head on?

Your wife's words are actually a bit encouraging. It seems that she is giving you a chance to man up and compete for her attention. She's not going to actively participate- she wants you to stand up and take care of this yourself- but it seems she's letting you know that she'll be watching and will certainly notice your changes.

Previously you would take a victims stance in life- blaming others, being passive aggressive, whining. 180 these things as well. Shoulder blame, enforce your boundaries positively, stop complaining.

Good luck!
Hs

Hi, Recruit. I am sorry you find yourself here. No fun for anyone.

I think it's great that you are able to list the ways in which you contributed to the marital problems. Let's be honest . . . would YOU want to be married to the you that you described?

What are some good things about you? What do you have to offer your W?

It seems that your W is dissatisfied because you made things all about you. Now, she has someone who will pay attention to HER . . . that's why the OM is so attractive.

Get going on that self-improvement list, Recruit. Not for your W, but for YOU. You sound like you don't like yourself too much right now, and I can see why. Is this the real you, or have you lost yourself somewhere along the way?

Figure out who the real Recruit is, and get back to being him. The one your W fell in love with. Even if it is too late for her, it's not too late for you.

It sounds to me like you need to be in IC.

And please. Stop being needy. You are dragging your W down, that's why she wants to get away. Stop texting, calling, talking about your R. Don't try to figure out who she wants you to be and be that guy. (i.e., should I yell more?) Be who you are.

My advice for following Sandi's rules . . . remember that every time you break one, you are pushing your W farther away.

It's been said here before - you can't make your W come back, but you sure as heck can push her father away. STOP.

It's really hard to be here, and you need a lot of strength, but you will find you have more than you ever knew.

Hang in there.

you sure as heck can push her father farther away.

LOL. I know nothing about her father.

Exactly HS!

This is what I need to do. She is a powerful woman, in a very senior position in business. She needs a strong man of action at home - and I have just been a wimp.

I used to work security on nightclubs, fight MMA, certainly not a "nice guy" image. Now, I have no desire to become that person again - but I do need to become the fierce man I was and lead and protect my family.

Thanks
Recruit

MelissaG

I am lost, this isn't me. I have always been a social chemelian, I am a different person depending on who i am with - but I don't know who "I" really am.

I need to work on myself - anti depressants, my health, fitness, friends. All good starts.

I am going to plan my week to ensure I GAL, me time, friends time an very importantly family time.

I am on a diet. I have joined the gym and met new friends to train with. I plan to swim and take the dog on huge walks.

My fashion sense has gone down hill - I dress like my dad! So I plan to update my wardrobe as funds allow.

I will take my kids out and about - we will be active and have fun.

The most important practical 180 I can do is learn to drive. I have been so dependent on the W, this will be a major lift to my lifestyle and enable the to get around more wih the kids and to see friends.

The neediness is a difficult one - it really is part of the depression. But I will go as dark as possible. I will be more detached and self sufficient.

Today (valentines) I have her gifts that me and the children had made and have cooked dinner for when she gets home (Indian food). Was this not the best move? I did it with zero expectations.

Thanks for your thoughts
Recruit