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not sure I typed this right. My friend sees a lot of my changes and believes that if I am acting this way with W, she sees them too. I am changing the balance of power in my M. W often is unsettled by this and may react in ways that make me uncomfortable. this is because I am used to being the "one down". W didn't respect me there, but wants me to stay where we are both comfortable.

A quote from passionate marriage by David Schnarch..."marriage is a people growing machine." whether or not I stay married to W, I am growing.

One final thought. My friend told me that even 10 years after her divorce and subsequent remarriage to my best friend, her XH still speaks of her (to their kids) as a W. he has never really moved on. It makes her sad and somewhat uncomfortable. If I decide that I can no longer stand here, she said the most loving thing I could do for W would be to tell her two simple sentences when/if I decide to stop trying: "I love you. I'm setting you free from our bond and I hope you have an amazing life." almost the reverse sentiment of the vows we spoke to marry.

She told me that the feeling of being bound to her XH (in his mind) is really uncomfortable at times. She wishes he had done something similar to help her understand that he really wished her well and had no illusions of her remaining as a W to him.

Interesting ideas to ponder. I'm sure people have lots of differing opinions on this, but to me it makes sense. but you really have to mean it if you say it. otherwise, you just make a big mess. I'm not really ready to say these things and I don't need to be right now. just discussing.....

Hi Paul - Glad to see that you are doing well. Since M and Bug pointed out their lovely weather, I thought that I would let you know that I am also stuck in this snowstorm. I made the mistake of going to the grocery store late last night and there was no food in the entire store. People dont know what to do with snow here. We got over a foot which is huge for the area. It has shut everything down, including the federal government (and my office so I am not complaining). I am SO DONE with this weather. I cant imagine all the of the GAL activities that we can have been the weather gets warmer. I cant wait. Hope you did not get hit too hard and will start to thaw out soon!

Hi 3B! Having a great day in this weather (ha!) I am just north of you near Philly. My driveway faces the storm so I keep getting drifts. We have to leave early tomorrow for a hockey Tournament in Niagara Falls. That's 6 hours in dry weather. 2 teenagers for x hours in poor weather....somebody upstairs is messing with me LOL

Maybe as a consolation prize there will be some single hockey moms on the trip. Ok ok, just blowing off steam...

Stay safe and thanks for checking in on me.

I called W to give her last minute plans and information. She was pleasant and actually said, "have a good time"...I didn't respond and before we closed the call a few minutes later she said it again. My LBS brain wanted to think it meant something. The other night she texted me about something and then texted 'good night" ....she hasn't done that since she left. I dunno if stuff means something or not. changes....changes....maybe nothing blech LOL

Paul, I too struggle with small things from my H and wanting them to "mean" something when I know I shouldn't. Today when I was shoveling H was pulling out of the driveway and waved before he left. My heart soared for about ten seconds until I had to remind myself not to read anything into it :\ I keep trying to tell myself that the only thing that will mean something is an actual statement from my H that he is interested in trying!

I'm with KGirl here . . . I know that MWD talks about looking for baby steps, but I don't really buy into that with a WAS. My H has said and done a ton of things ("good night" or a wave was the least of them) that made me have hope, but they all turned out to mean absolutely nothing other than that's what he felt like doing at the time, with no regard for how it affected me.

I'm not saying that they aren't good signs in your sitches, Paul and KG . . . just saying that your energy is better spent on working on you. I didn't really want to believe this before, but I see now it's soooo true - if your W (or H) wants to work on things, R, go to MC, whatever - they know how to tell you that.

I guess i am in an anti-WAS mood right now, but I think they are all a bunch of crazy bitches, and who knows what the F they are thinking at any given moment. I am not even sure they do.

Paul, I hope you have an awesome trip!

This makes no sense to me. If you can say it and actually mean it, then I think you are in a place where you aren't going to be hung up on your W and so it wouldn't be a problem anyway.

I think it would only be helpful if it was a lie and you could let the W believe it to relieve her of the burden. But if it's a lie, then I think that's going to be clear and you would just look pathetic.

Does anyone think I need to drink a can of PMA tonight?

not sure I typed this right. My friend sees a lot of my changes and believes that if I am acting this way with W, she sees them too. I am changing the balance of power in my M. W often is unsettled by this and may react in ways that make me uncomfortable. this is because I am used to being the "one down". W didn't respect me there, but wants me to stay where we are both comfortable.

A quote from passionate marriage by David Schnarch..."marriage is a people growing machine." whether or not I stay married to W, I am growing.

One final thought. My friend told me that even 10 years after her divorce and subsequent remarriage to my best friend, her XH still speaks of her (to their kids) as a W. he has never really moved on. It makes her sad and somewhat uncomfortable. If I decide that I can no longer stand here, she said the most loving thing I could do for W would be to tell her two simple sentences when/if I decide to stop trying: "I love you. I'm setting you free from our bond and I hope you have an amazing life." almost the reverse sentiment of the vows we spoke to marry.

To ME, this^^ is detaching. I released my h to his "task" of self discovery b/c it was a journey I could not go on with him.

So off he went...only to discover his happiness was really WITH his family...maybe it's semantics but I think

detaching IS LETTING GO, BUT Letting go is NOT giving up

Wow 25. That puts it in a new light. My friend spoke in terms of having ended the M but as you shown through your experiences there are others types of ndings. I do aslo see based on this, that even though they are divorced his failure to detach has caused ghem both pain. Thanks for looking in on me during my walk.

hi M. Thanks. You made me kaugh when I read this. Its spot on.