Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I need all the help i can get

G'day Recruit. Lostforwords sent me here and I can see why. Your situation is similar to mine in a lot of ways. My situation is still in the early stages and I'm currently in a rough spot with my wife but I'm in a better position than I was three months ago because of what I've read and followed here. I could write an essay on things I've experienced that I feel could help you, especially from a codependency standpoint, but if you read, follow and commit to Sandi's 37 rules you'll start to see some progress soon.

So, a couple of changes in the last few days.

I started my new job on Thursday. I am basically the first employee of a tech start up, developing sales strategy and recruiting& managing a full sales team.

My wife didn't wish me luck before I left home, and then on the commute sent me some needlessly b*tchy texts. I 180'd on this - normally I would have taken it on the chin and sucked it up - but I told her it was unacceptable and I would no longer accept it.

This started a mini txt row (all one way, I didn't argue back), I ignored any abuse and validated like a mad man.

Communication ceased and I went to work. Several calls texts and emails came in throughout the day but I was too busy to reply. By home time I was receiving photos and nice messages. I got home and my dinner was cooking and my wife looked beautiful.

I bathed the kids and put them to bed, and sat and ate with my wife. We sat and watched TV and she asked me to rub her feet. I did.

Throughout Friday we smiled and talked. I could feel her looking right into me. In bed she held my hand and asked me to hold her. I did, it was wonderful, but I made myself pull away and give us both space to sleep.

Yesterday again we talked and flirted. I spent a great deal of time with the kids at the play gym as she went to the beauticians and visited an elderly relative alone. On her return she brought dinner for us all with her. She curled up with me on the sofa, hugging and holding hands and talking. She told me she loved me. She said that she can see me becoming a different person.

I do feel different. I feel more "present" I'm my own body. My thoughts aren't clouded. More thoughtful rather than emotionally reactive.

It feels great but very fragile. I am under no illusion that this could all disappear as quickly as it appeared.

My plan is more of the same - continue GAL, fitness and diet, spending quality time with the kids, and thoughtful self examination.

What do you guys think?

I think you calling her out on her b!tching and not responding to all those TM paid off. Most importantly, she saw her H going to a job. Sounds to me like you were seeing a little respect when you got home.

That's how it works with women. If that keep b!tching and won't shut up, you have to put them in their place (so to speak) just as you would anyone else. If it really is b!tching she's doing.....I'm not so sure I would validate, but if she has some concerns, then sure. If she is just ragging on you, then it just needs to be shut down quickly. The longer a man puts up with a woman hammering him, the more she will disrespect him. By telling her it is unacceptable and you will not continue, you are standing up to her. She may act a little ticked at the moment, but she will respect you as long as you keep your dialog respectful to her.

Good job! I hope you will like your new place of employment.

Lots of excellent there recruit.....Good job.

I especially like the communication's Thursday, though as Sandi said....Don't over validate. You acted as a self empowered person. Kept your responses thoughtful instead of emotional filled. Then you got busy....and in essence ignored her further complaints (stopped playing her game).

The biggest part though...you kept the non sexual intimacy non sexual. That is a big deal for you....Taking control of that impulse is an excellent step.

You are fragile Recruit....Right now your changes are motivation based. Time will let them become habit and a way of life. Remember that.

Just wanted to say something else about the physical affection.



Can you think of some characteristic that some people have that can really irritate you? Maybe irritate isn't the right word....more like a big turn off?

Take for an example.....a big talker. I mean someone who never shuts their mouth...and wants to be in your face while they talk. You just want to escape, right? Well, that's how the WAW feels when her LBH is wanting that touchy-feely stuff. In most cases I've known, it turns the WAW off big time. And even if the woman who could tolerate a little hugging, then the LBH would tend to think things were getting better b/c she let him hug her.

I realize this doesn't help your feelings, but maybe it will help you be more informed about how it affects the WAW. A WAW usually doesn't speak to the LBH in his love language b/c she ain't feeling the love.

Hey guys

So the last 2 days have been amazing.... My W has been wonderful the whole time. Hanging on my every word, hugging, kissing. It has been like the start of a new relationship but with a woman I already know all about. Perfect!

Today we went shopping together and paid for new clothes and shoes for her. I got a txt from her friend later to say how happy my wife was (news travels fast!)

However, as we got into bed Tonight I made a joke about how difficult she finds it to get out of bed in a morning. Considering the fun and banter we have had over the last 4 days I thought nothing of this little jest. It seems she did.

I am every kind of b*stard. She never loved me. Today has been dreadful, she has never had such an awful time. I will never change, Etc, etc.....

No idea where this tirade came from.

Back to square one!

Oh, yuck, R. I'm sorry.

I hate to mind read, but what I wonder sometimes, is whether the WAS gets too comfortable with the LBS and then realizes it and it freaks them out, so they step waaaayyyy back.

In the beginning, my H would soften a lot, and we would even ML, and then he would snap backwards like mad.

I know you know what to do. Act as if you are fine with it. Give her space. Don't ask any questions, don't argue about it. If she does talk to you about things, validate like mad.

Hang in there.

Validating is losing its edge. She says she doesn't need me to understand how she feels. She doesn't care if I understand or not and thinks I'm condescending......

Just feel really low. Like I've been used for shoes and clothes and now she has them I can just disappear again.

Well that started well and ended poorly. I'm both happy and sorry to hear that. It's easy to get sucked back into the good times but in truth, your wife is very touchy right now. My wife and I had a golden period for two weeks where everything was easy and felt awesome, the next week or so the "honeymoon" period was over and then my wife felt like we were sweeping things under the carpet and hasn't been the same in the past month.

On the bright side, things should at least be civil and maybe slightly better if you stick to the plan. How to get back to the good parts is still beyond me but keep the DBing up for yourself and keep an eye out for the small positives from your wife.

Don't do that to yourself. Trust me, I have and still do, and it feels awful!

You don't have any idea what she is thinking. Don't make it worse on yourself by assuming the worst.

Look at the positive. You had a bit of time with her that was easy and fun. Let her have that fresh in her mind. Don't give her any reason to think negatively about you instead.

I sooooo know how you feel, R. And we ALL do it. We see some bit of progress, and we get too excited about it, and we end up with all these expectations (unreasonable ones, at that) and then it is crushing when they are disappointed.

You just focus on you. When your W comes back around, make sure every interaction is a good one. In the meantime, take care of yourself and be the man you want to be.

You're OK. Just pick yourself off, dust yourself off, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.