OK, so in my proposed response, I am trying to explain and defend myself?
It's funny, though, bc I viewed it more as ripping on my H, though perhaps in a P/A fashion.
Here's what I am uncomfortable with with your text: I feel like the "handle this like adults" is just taking a shot at him. A well deserved shot, but a shot nonetheless. Is that not poking the bear? When he said the same to me (in response to my filing), I thought "what an ass."
Why can't I just tell him to F right off and go wallow in his a$$holeness all by his pathetic self and leave me and our kids out of it?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You're on the right track. Keep going. There's more to dissect. You've got more in you in analyzing this. Aren't lawyers noteworthy for writing "War & Peace" in their briefs, right?
Thanks so much for taking over the reins here. I so approve! You think D is messy? I can tell you that a well off gay man's will and trust where he left nothing to his family has created much more of a mess than my D ever was! I'm trying to continually balance myself so that the next surprise doesn't hit me like a boom and knock my ass over. It's been a tough week!
So, back to Melissa.
Quote:
I have not told them anything, since (1) my filing merely reflects the reality of the current situation, which they are already well aware of; and (2) as we have discussed previously, and is made clear in the book we both read as well as the child psychologist I have spoken with, any discussion with the children about the status of our marriage and the ensuing changes in their lives should be discussed between the two of us first, and then presented by us together.
I love, love, love this. It is pretty much what our child psychologist told us to do when letting the girls know. I think it's comical (and I do mean that word) that he is laying the blame for the legal filing of your status after he moved out. If I called someone a dickwad here, I probably did, and your H IS a dickwad. Did he think the "Dad Pad" was a secret tree house out in your backyard that only those invited can enter? WTF? I mean really! WTF? Your H has some balls, Melissa.
That being said, I think I'd expect that there is a good chance he's going to override your request and do what he wants. I might be inclined to tell the kids when they get home, "Did anything happen this weekend that you want to talk about?" And do some backward probing so you can help them. Look Melissa, if he jumps the gun unilaterally, I would probably even tell them, "Dad moved out, and that was definitely not something I wanted. I had to make sure that things are legal and I need to protect you guys and myself. That's all that I care about right now. But no matter what, we'll get through it and I still love you."
I hate the fact that I'm actually telling you to contemplate pushing the cart along next to the horse. I hardly ever advocate that kind of action, but in your case, your H seems to be pushing your buttons in a huge way on purpose. What a dickwad!
Just remember Douchy Rich. That ought to keep you focused on what you need to do.
Hugs. And I mean a big one.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
"It is in the best interest of the kids that anything that is shared with them should be discussed between the two of us in advance and presented to them with both of us present."
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Let me explain to you about vindictive @ssholes (I was one at one time). Your H will do everything in his power to control you. Since you are taking the initiative to file for legal separation, and he can't do what HE wants, he will try to make your life hell..I truly believe he will tell your kids that he doesn't want this and it is all your fault. He will probably lie and make you look horrible to them (hoping to turn them away from you). My advice to you is to tell the kids yourself. Your H is no longer a sane and resonable person. I'm sure they are wondering why daddy isn't living at home anymore. So tell them the truth. Tell them on YOUR terms. The way your H is acting, he doesn't deserve the right to be there when you tell them. Your job is to protect you and your kids from this point forward. My personal opinion is he will do more damage to them by telling HIS version first!
Ha. I told him we should discuss whatever it is first and then with the kids with both of us present. He said, "I very much agree."
Then he said (referring to the basketball game this weekend which I planned to take the kids to myself), "I very much agree. I also think that we should both go to the nuggets game on Sunday night. I know that you don't like me much right now, but I think it's important for the kids' sake that we get along in front of them. So I would like to go to the game if you are OK with it."
Hell no I am not OK with it!!
I really want to day, "I would like to show the kids that I go to games with people who treat me with respect. So I will be inviting someone who does that."
Is my H bipolar?
I can fake getting along just fine at TKD thank you. I don't need to add additional activities to show them anything.
I wonder if he is afraid that whatever he tells them, they are going to be mad, and he thinks it will help if it looks like I am OK with it.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Tell him to invite Andre Miller instead of you on Sunday!
"H, I really appreciate your thoughts on the Nugs game on Sunday. I really don't want to do the games as a family, so how about we take turns, and then S and D can alternate inviting their friends? I think that's a win-win for everyone."
Oy.
Having "the discussion" is a heck of a lot different than showing up to social events with the dickwad. I could hang out with my ex-dickwad now, but I sure as heck couldn't have done it it back then. It was just too confusing for me.
In fact, if he proceeds with badgering you to do his bidding, tell him, "H, this is just really confusing for me right now. I need to consider my feelings and needs at the moment, and this doesn't work for me."
You're a good egg, Melissa.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
