M, I agree with the others, vent here (or on FB ) and let cooler heads prevail when it comes to getting back to your H. I have a question, is the injunction you mentioned mandatory in your county? I was surprised when I got served papers to find one attached to it, it is mandatory in my county and applies to both W and me. It limits financial expenditures and even states that a person cannot be in the house between midnight and 6 am if the kids are there. It contains a lot of other restrictions as well such as prohibiting hiding of assets or intentional devaluing of joint property (such as damaging a house to reduce it's resale value). Honestly when I read it I thought "well this makes perfect sense and is a good idea" but I can see how a free-spending WAS would be aggravated by it, LOL! Anyway, it doesn't prevent your H from required expenditures, so one has to wonder why he feels it's "wreaking havoc" on his career. It makes me wonder if he feels his "career" requires frivolous expenditures of marital assets for "entertainment".
Just so there's no misunderstanding here: your petition for legal separation and the ensuing injunction is wreaking havoc on my career (in addition to running up legal fees). If that is your intent, so be it and I will live with that. If that is not your intent, I would appreciate you discussing this with me so that we can resolve the issue and move forward.
He speaks of the legal fees quite often. Now correct me if Im wrong, but isnt he renting a 2-3K dad pad? If so, sounds like he has more then enough money for the D.
My WAW and I both have A and we shouldn't. We should have been able to do this on our own easily. But she "did know how everything worked because she has never been though a D."(her exact words) I told her I would split everything 50/50 with her. She still refused and retained a Lawyer. Honestly, the assets in our home are probably not worth what we are both spending on the lawyers.
I say Sc#w him. Dont let him play the woe-is-me legal fees card. If I can afford it, he can.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Thanks, guys! I am not sure there is any answer that won't piss off my H, but I think I will probably borrow Wonka's ideas. My C thinks that I will get to a place eventually where I can understand H enough, and be detached enough, that we can have a successful co-parenting R, but I am pretty far from that at the moment. I think I am making some headway in believing and understanding that H has issues that limit him emotionally, and they are nothing I caused, nor can I fix them. I wish that he would do that work on himself, but wishing is a waste of my time.
I saw my new lawyer today and I feel so much better! He answered all of my questions and it sounds like he's got some great experience behind him. He is very level headed and I don't think he will bring a bunch of drama like the old one would.
I'm still not sure why my H is so insistent on not using Ls. It would probably cost more in fees to negotiate and then us each bring it back to our Ls for review, than it will to just all sit down (me, H, two Ls) and work things out.
My H seems to think that we are going to sit down over coffee and bang out an agreement in an hour. Ummm. No. Maybe if we rented an apartment and had no kids or assets.
He definitely lives in a fantasyland, and I know he is going to be mad that I changed attorneys, and that I am going to make him get me all the financial info (and do our 2013 taxes) before I sit down with him . . . because he always gets mad when I knock him off his unicorn.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
OneDay - yes, he is spending $3k a month on his "Dad Pad." (It makes me want to barf just typing that.) I am not sure this is about the money at all . . . he went and hired the most expensive attorney in town. If he wanted to keep the costs down, he could (a) not get divorced; (b) not hire his own attorney; (c) hire an attorney that doesn't charge $650/hr. But - I guess it is easier to just blame me.
AS - the injunction in my County applies to all D or S cases, and is much more general than yours. We can spend money as in the normal course of business - we just can't do something like spend $30k on a trip to Bora Bora. I know exactly why he is mad, it has to do with his partnership interest. He wants to give it up but he can't because the value of it is a marital asset. That was funny that you said vent on FB - it took me a minute to figure out that you must mean DB FB. At first I was imagining updating my status to say, "My H is being an a$$hole." LOL.
MM - every case in my county is ordered to mediate. My ideal is to work things out with just the two of us and our lawyers, and not even get to mediation.
I am not going to go the "no lawyers" route. There is too much complex stuff to figure out, and I don't know what I am doing. What's that saying? A lawyer who represents herself has a fool for a client?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I’m sorry you feel this way. If you would like to discuss, I am open to hearing your concerns.
Also, wanted to let you know I have switched attorneys, as I felt that [Lawyer #1] was going to stir the pot unnecessarily, and I prefer to avoid drama and excess legal fees. My new lawyer is [Lawyer #2].
I didn't remind him that he was the one who wants the D, but that I won't stand in his way, since I just did that a few days ago.
I really hope I don't get another nastygram in response, though I am bracing myself for one.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa, Melissa, Melissa...you're STILL explaining and defending yourself in switching the L's. Do you see this "bad" habit of yours?? That is injecting emotion. Remember KISS rule??
Oh boy...you'll get a spew from H. I am sorry if I am being direct here. But this is how H responds to your texts when you try to "explain" or "defend" yourself or your actions/decisions.
PLEASE, PLEASE post your draft responses here first for feedback before you hit the "send" button. We could save you tons of heartache here.
I'll be keeping an eye out on you tonight...oh boy, boy.
I’m sorry you feel this way. If you would like to discuss, I am open to hearing your concerns.
The opening is good. Hearing your "concerns" gives H an opening to air out his grievances about you, the M...etc. Keep it short..hear what he has to "say" is the better choice. Otherwise you're just giving H more ammo. Do you see how word choices affects how H responds?
Also, wanted to let you know I have switched attorneys, as I felt that [Lawyer #1] was going to stir the pot unnecessarily, and I prefer to avoid drama and excess legal fees. My new lawyer is [Lawyer #2].
The MAIN problem with this part is trying to explain why you are doing this. Not his concern at all. The second one is that you're throwing in additional information that is unnecessary. Why would you say "not stir the pot"?? He'll latch onto this comment and come out right at you guns blazing. Don't give H any more ammo like this. Do you see?
You are sooooooo right. I don't know why I feel the need to be nice or explain things. It certainly hasn't done me any good. When I think of it doing any good, I think I am really thinking of when I agree with him. Big difference.
OK. No more responding until 100% DB friend approved.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
) and let cooler heads prevail when it comes to getting back to your H. I have a question, is the injunction you mentioned mandatory in your county? I was surprised when I got served papers to find one attached to it, it is mandatory in my county and applies to both W and me. It limits financial expenditures and even states that a person cannot be in the house between midnight and 6 am if the kids are there. It contains a lot of other restrictions as well such as prohibiting hiding of assets or intentional devaluing of joint property (such as damaging a house to reduce it's resale value). Honestly when I read it I thought "well this makes perfect sense and is a good idea" but I can see how a free-spending WAS would be aggravated by it, LOL! Anyway, it doesn't prevent your H from required expenditures, so one has to wonder why he feels it's "wreaking havoc" on his career. It makes me wonder if he feels his "career" requires frivolous expenditures of marital assets for "entertainment".
I am not sure there is any answer that won't piss off my H, but I think I will probably borrow Wonka's ideas. My C thinks that I will get to a place eventually where I can understand H enough, and be detached enough, that we can have a successful co-parenting R, but I am pretty far from that at the moment. I think I am making some headway in believing and understanding that H has issues that limit him emotionally, and they are nothing I caused, nor can I fix them. I wish that he would do that work on himself, but wishing is a waste of my time.