Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Afraid I have waited too long

Thanks KGirl,

My W says we are "done".

We don't talk at all except for bills and when we talk about bills and something else sneaks in there she is pretty quick to give me a "shot" or find negativity in anything I do.

I have learned to let it roll off my back and attempt as much as possible to empathize and validate.

In a very twisted way, I think not talking but living under the same roof has actually helped me. I have been able to do 180's that the W can see. I have been able to be more action oriented and less "wordy". This is a forced 180 because I am a very talkative person. This experience has taught me that that is not always a good thing.

I find it much easier to GAL from my own home vs staying at my parents.

The W made a comment the other day when we were discussing lowering the cable bill. She said I don't watch TV because I am a prisoner in my(our old) bedroom. I told her but you have a TV in there.

I see signs of frustration in her body language. I am just guessing that me being here is allowing (she doesn't want to IMHO)her to see that I have accepted this sitch in a sense and it is not bothering me(outwardly) as much as expected.

The only thing I am not doing is moving or acting like I am moving toward D.

She made the comment when I first moved back that why don't I file. I have all the money. I said no that is up to you. She said but it is difficult to do by yourself. I said so is wanting to work on a M but I am finding it to be an eye-opening experience.

So if my W would come across and confront me about the books, she knows I am in IMC, I will tell her it was recommended reading and TBH it is very good and it will help me as a person down the line as I look to my future(meaning hopefully with W) relationships.

I cant control her feelings at all. I can only validate. She is responsible for her happiness.

I do like your idea that if we were to R that it is a very good book to read together.

Oh, one more thing my W LL is quality time. Just my luck, I am more than ready to listen and do all those things. It is really hard when there is no conversation. So I am working on W secondary LL and that is before I even knew it was a LL. Acts of service, it is going pretty well and she doesn't know it but she is working on my secondary LL by default.

Backsliding a little on myself this morning. Maybe it is because of V-day idk.

I am doing the recommended reading that my DB coach told me to.

Very good books, Learned a lot but now I am sad because I really have no good way on implementing these ideas. If my W just would talk with me just a bit more I think it would make a world of difference in my mood. I don't need constant conversation just some normal conversation so I don't feel that I am this horrible person. I know that W will probably still find fault with me but I could validate those feelings. Now I just think the W is so full of anger because I moved back and wrecked her "cushy" life. I did this for myself and knew W would be unhappy about it but I thought after wading through her minefields of criticism and contempt she would lighten up a little.


I mean I am doing as much as I can without upsetting the apple cart with my W.

It just feels like I should be doing something else besides what I am trying.

I guess these ideas will come out in future DB sessions. I am just on the rollercoaster of patience vs no patience.

In some ways, I think the W notices the changes in me. This puts her in an uncomfortable position because who would have known this negative, nasty, controlling, smothering person who she came to hate and resent would work on changing himself. That is all she ever wanted but never came right and told me that is what she needed. My fault for not knowing that the person I had become was ruining my M to the woman I loved. I know it is past and I can't do anything about it now. I just wish I was a strong enough person back then to admit to my W that I think our M was in trouble and we or even just I needed to do something about it.

Don't get me wrong I am not totally at fault but feel that if I was proactive in an approach the W might have been receptive to MC idea.

I am not positive because I haven't asked recently. She has mentioned in the past that maybe she needs to see someone to figure some things out about who she is and what she wants. Maybe we could save our M. Then she backpedals on her own thoughts for some reason.

She has no money and no insurance so unless she asks me or someone for help that isn't happening right now.

Could the fact that I am doing all these things that are helping me immensely be upsetting her and making her withdraw from me even more because she actually wants to also do some of this but would need to show some vunerability to me or others in asking for help?

Just a thought continued from yesterday's post.

I am a little confused about a feeling I am having.

I find myself feeling a bit sorry for my W. With all that I am doing for myself, the confidence and knowledge I am gaining. I know that I will become that man my W fell in love with again. I hope this isn't taken as me being cocky by anyone on here.

Question is will it be my W who comes back and want to work on R or will it be someone else who gets to reap the benefits of my awakening?

The answer right now is I want my W. That could change down the road.

I understand that the W needs to trust that these things will be permanent and at this point she still doesn't.

That is why I struggle with the thought that she may want to work on herself but does not have the means at the moment.

Maybe she doesn't and is happy as hell to be moving on but then again I start to feel sorry for her because without realizing where we went astray or owning up to her part in our failed M, the chances of being happy in the future are greatly reduced.

I hope this doesn't come across as me being arrogant. I feel such a sense of power after really taking a hard look at myself and my life, and realizing that it is not easy to admit to yourself that maybe you were not that person you thought you were. Is it ok to feel this way?

I thought "Hey I'm x and I am a great guy. How can you disagree with that? Its you that has something wrong not me."

It wasn't until all this mayhem started that I discovered the above statement was full of inconsistencies.



No matter what I say now or the frustrations I air on here. I do love my W and always will. I want her to be happy in her life even if it is not with me.

I need opinions please.

I was leaving for work this morning but the car was pretty frozen so I thought while it warmed up I would broom the driveway of a dusting of snow.

As I was doing I noticed the W came out to warm up hersI noticed the car wasn't started. Dead battery I m sure.

She came back out and tried again and looked in her truck for jumper cables I asked her if she needed a jump she said do you have cables. I said yes and so do you but I will get mine.

She said she could call AAA and I said it is up to you. She came back out and said did you check your truck in a negative tone. I said I was doing that now but before I did I wanted to put something away.

I went and got the cables. she tried to pop the hood she said it is no use it is frozen very frustrated. I tried to do it and it opened. W eye rolled. I then said we should push the car backwards to allow us to connect batteries better. She said why don't we just push it forward and you can get around it. I said that would work then maybe we could push it to turn it around then. She said it is a car you wont be able to move it. I said well lets try your idea first.

I had her put the car in neutral and I begin to push she said I told you you couldn't do it. I rocked it a little and I pushed it. W eye rolled and sighed.

I pulled next to her and she asked how to hook up the cables and I showed her how.

I am not mechanical in nature but know a little she said it must be something else because the second time she tried to start it she had power to radio and lights. I said this sometimes happens it is probably the battery. She said you are not a mechanic. I said I am very aware of that. She cranked the car and it started. W eye rolled.

She said that battery must be cheap( I bought it 1 year ago) I said it was the best they had and I think it has a decent warranty anyways. She said yeah but I bet we don't have papers for it( we always were horrible at filling out warranties and sending them in). I said not sure but maybe they have it the computer where I purchased it.

She thanked me twice and I said sure anytime and we both walked back into the house to warm up a bit. She was on the phone when I left after warming up.

My question is did I do the right by helping her out? She was negative throughout the interaction. I let it not bother me and concentrated on getting the job at hand done.

For a split sec before I asked her if she needed help I thought Ha Ha!! Then I felt bad and asked. When she got negative I didnt even think about stopping what I was doing.

Should I have let her figure what to do on her own?

These seem like silly questions to be asking but I am unsure if I did right.

I had and have no expectations that this is will lead some kind of turning point. When I decided to help it was something I would have done for anybody in need of assistance.

The issue is my W always thought I did things to get things in return.

These are her feelings and I cant control them.

I cant say that 100% of times I did things I wasn't expecting that at some point someone would pay it forward to me, but for the most part I do things because it was the way I was brought up. If someone needs help you help them.

I cant stop thinking that my W thinks I just helped her so she will be indebted to me in a way.

I know I cant help what she thinks but is there a way of doing things for people, anybody not just my W, That they wont feel like they owe me something?

You did the right thing in helping. It directly conflicts with the negative image she is trying to build of you. If you had done less it would have validated her illusion.

I don't think it will score you any points, but it's not digging the hole deeper. Always take the high road, and do it for the good feeling it gives you.

Ifs fine to help. Dont over think things. Shes going to be negative.

Try not to sweat it, you treated her like a friendly neighbor that needed a helping hand. You can do 180 on other aspects of your life but keep your morals. Helping someone else out in a time of need is a noble trait and the right thing to do. Im surprised you got a thank you!

I understand how tempting it would have been to drive away while she needed help, It's not our job to "teach a lesson" to our spouse, or to "show them the consequences" of their choices. Life does that.

Nothing worse than the eye rolling.. Her walls are up and she is trying her best to dislike you. Everything will be your fault and you are the devil in her world. Im amazed how someone that loved you, choose you to be their spouse can switch to someone so full of anger and despise once they made up the mind to leave the relationship. Truly mind blowing.

It took about a full year before my spouse spoke to me in a civil non condescending tone, A real ice queen towards me.

RT left a great quote on my thread a while back that I remember vividly.

“All ice eventually melts when greeted with warmth my friend.”

Hold your head up high, you did good!

Thanks for the responses Z, Paul and Maritimer.

I know her walls are up I didn't expect a thank you but got one. It not the first time that has happened since S but it is rare.

I know she is trying hard to dislike me. I can see it in her eyes and body language.

When she cant take it anymore she will even tell me the things I am doing to better myself and I just say thanks for noticing.

She then will get more upset and say why now and not before so I know it bugs her that I am becoming a man that only a fool would leave.

I just have to wait till she trusts that these things will be permanent. I just hope Im still standing for my M when it dawns on her.

Not a vet here but you definitely did the right thing and went about it the right way. When she was being negative, you could have responded negatively back to her. Obviously that would not be productive and would just reinforce her negativity toward you.

Helping her with things like that doesn't hurt a thing as long as you are genuinely trying to help and do it with a positive attitude.

nit, when I read your thread, it's like you're at my house. I know my WAW is seething mad. She is seeing my 180's and is repulsed. She is consumed by anger and the wrongs of the past. Back before I learned to STFU, I told her the future is whatever we decide it will be - it isn't bound to our mistakes in the past. She sees me behaving this way and it drives her nuts. It has to be a strain to live like that, and she doesn't have the means to leave now, so she's looking at months more of that. I don't know if she'll ever own up to her part. She'll never go to MC because she'd have to own up to A, and I'm sure she's been advised against that. Her IC is NOT pro-M.

Back to you, sorry. You have come to the same conclusion I have. About 10 books later and a lot of introspection, you realize that you have flaws, i.e. you're HUMAN, and that all of this could have been easily avoided. And the best part is that you realize it, and have taken positive action. And yes, that gives you a sense of power. It's absolutely OK to feel good about that. I mean, we can't change the past, but at least we're working for the best future. It [censored] to be where we are, but what else really can we be expected to do at this point, but to work as constructively as we can.

As to whether our W's come back to renew R or someone else reaps the benefits is frustratingly unknowable. That is the hardest thing to let go of. Every time I look at the kids, I wish that W were at least in the game.

As for feeling sorry for your W, you'd better not ever give that impression. I feel sorry for contributing to my W being in her current state (due to my pre-enlightenment ignorance). I feel sorry that she is so invested in being angry and destructive right now and wish she could start being constructive. But you also have to recognize that you have vastly different perspectives right now, and if you do anything other than validate her position, it will be a setback. So yes, I know what you're saying, but it's not the time to feel cocky, superior, enlightened or sorry for anyone. I don't think that time will ever come. So instead of feeling sorry for anyone, all I hope to do is to feel lucky enough to dodge the nuke that's currently headed my way.