Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Reaching out for support and advice 3

Oh and Melissa, BTW, regarding the word Divorce.

When my H left we agreed to separate. As he was leaving he was backtracking and saying this doesn't have to be forever amongst other things.

I announced our S to friends that came over on Saturday. They were SHOCKED. Devastated. Word travels fast in our town of 1000 people. My H told his mom that we're just trying to get some space so we can stop fighting. What?

Please don't try to figure it out. Your h is speaking in MLC script language. They will say all kinds of things that come out of left field. He doesn't know how long it will be and he will justify leaving w/any excuse other than the one that he is broken and needs professional help.

Interesting choice of words, job. H has actually said, "You broke me" "I'm not the same person I was before"

Ick. This is getting scary.
Thanks for all your advice earlier on your first posting to my thread. I am going to reread it tonight and take action to care for myself and kids. I feel like I've fallen into this MLC pit and been caught by the caring hands of all of you. Thanks again.

No, you didn't break him. Life caught up w/him and now he needs to go back to a time where it all began and figure things out and then grow up. He's stuff his childhood issues down so deep in his soul and the events of the last year or so have brought them back to the top to be dealt with.

He's right about one thing, he's not the same person that he was before and both of you will discover just how true his words are.

The best thing you can do is take care of you and your kids. Protect your assets and what your financials. Don't rely on him because he's going to start slipping up. Expectations at zero at all times because he's not the same man you knew and yes, they become experts at lying and hiding things too.

Blues,

Comments made by your H are straight out from our tattered MLC manual with special tabs on crazymaking stuff. I'd encourage you to visit the MLC forums and take a look around. You'd be surprised at how some thought patterns and comments from MLCers are quite common across the MLC spectrum.

Thanks Wonka. I'll look. Picture my hand over my eyes and peeking through my fingers.

Well...there may be peeled grapes for squishy eyeballs and spaghetti noodles for guts. If you want, I'd be happy to take your hand and guide you through the MLC Haunted House!

Hmmm. Detached or numb? Since my H left, I feel almost no emotion when I am around him. I don't entertain his whereabouts in my head. I don't wonder who he's with. My stomach does not swirl with uneasiness.

I am throwing myself into GAL. I am surrounding myself with people that love me and just doing things I love.

H was very kind to me today. It was our first public outing since we've announced S. I didn't feel like all eyes were on us like I thought I would. It was parents night at D15 Bball game. He left the gym for a bit after her game to check on our S6 and actually missed our daughter handing us our card and flowers. H was so upset, I thought he was going to cry. His voice cracked as he was walking me and S to our car to say goodbye. He kissed S goodbye and barely made eye contact with me. He is so far away.

Blues, it sounds like you are getting there with detachment, but I think that when you are numb, sometimes it wears off for a bit, so don't be surprised if the feelings of hurt come back at some point.

I was thinking the other day about how my H cried when he told the kids that he was moving out. (Even though he lied and told them he was coming back in six months.) I couldn't reconcile how he could be THAT upset, but still do it. And what I think the answer is, is that he was crying for himself. Not for his children, or the harm he is doing to them, or even that he is going to miss them. But because he has to sit there in an uncomfortable position seeing the hurt on their faces.

Maybe I am being mean and not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but there is just nothing else that makes sense. So last time it happened, I really felt so much compassion for him, and how much he must be hurting, and how awful it would be. This time, when he tells them, I am saving my compassion for my children.

Anyway, didn't mean to make this about me. My point was, who the heck knows what your H is thinking or why he is doing what he's doing. None of it makes any sense. Just try to stay off his roller coaster.

I'm trying every day to wrap my head around this whole MLC idea. H is touch and go. We met yesterday at his Grandma's birthday party. He showed up late.

When he walked in, he did not greet me, the kids, say hi. Seemed out of place and out of sorts. I could tell he was uncomfortable. I finally tried to deliberately make eye contact with him where he was sitting and said hi and smiled. He seemed to relax.

After the meal we talked a little. His tears are right below the surface. Said he is miserable. I told him moving out is something he's wanted to do and I asked him if it made him happy. He said he's miserable now but no more miserable than when he lived at home. He said there are no answers. Then later he mentioned helping pick up supplies for our home and for the kids. I didn't say anything and then he insisted. I asked him why he wants so badly to help. This time there were tears forming and almost full crying. I NEED to help. I WANT to be involved.

This all took place in a very public setting. He is so messed up. He came to our house after the party and was on edge with the kids. He was impatient and acted like he wanted to leave. Finally, we had a misunderstanding with S and H got very angry. I told him that if he's to continue to have angry outbursts, he is not welcome here until he is under control. He left.

Today we drove together to get our taxes prepared and did really well. Had a good tax experience. Got groceries at a fun market, ate at a fun restaurant. When we do things like that it reminds me that we did have a good relationship with good memories. Funny how you can begin to believe the rewritten history.

I am now finally accepting the gravity of the demise of my M and relationship with H. I have let go of the rope. I have occasional pangs of upset stomach when I wonder if he's with OW again, then remember that I'm a really great gal. HE has the problem. I am working on my baggage. I shrug my shoulders and move on when those bad thoughts enter.

The kids and I have GAL like crazy. Having lots of fun. I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

Question: Does anyone else have a WAS or MLCer that drives around a lot? My H puts some serious miles on our vehicles driving aimlessly around on random roads and through random towns. He will do this for hours sometimes. What does it mean?