Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 4th quarter, Not looking forward to OT

Hey Eric, thanks. I know I can hang with you boys.

And yea, I am not doing the secret, um, dance thingy. But I would pay money to see you, AJ and Mach do it. Just sayin....

Been busy taking care of sick W for 2 days. She has a stomach bug maybe. I'm not real sure it's not stress wrecking her body. She's cut off 9 inches of her hair, her face is broken out like a 15 year old and she continues to lose weight even though she stopped exercising several months ago. I have taken care of her for a couple days, cleaning her up, bringing her food and fluids, picking her up and getting her into bed, taking both boys to and from school, carrying her plans to work, and all of that. I've even gotten several thank yous over the last 2 days. I made the comment to a dear friend that she must feel obligated to do that. I was reminded that I do those things because they are the right thing to do and that's who I am. Spot on.

Simply means I've been busy for a couple days. Still gotta see a L this week and make a plan to protect myself.

That ^^^^ is great!


Good luck. Make sure that YOU feel comfortable with the L that you choose. Mine was great. She was a bulldog when she needed to but at the same time was objective and honest.

You are getting some great wisdom here J.

I will only add that the first four words in that sentence up there is the source of your difficulty.

You DO have a choice. You are only afraid of the consequence or how others will perceive you.

Your tendency is to fall back to the old you because that is what you have known all your life.

You feel like she is controlling you and you don't have a choice?

Or is it your emotions and fear that are controlling you and she is the the trigger?

This journey is not about deciding what to do because of what someone is doing to you.

It is what you decide in spite of it...

I dunno True. I think you're speaking some truth there, but I'm not sure that fits with J. Having watched him for a while, I think that IS who he IS. I suspect he would do the same for a good friend or even a stranger because of no other reason than they needed the help. Maybe I'm putting my own self into the thread, but that's what I've seen.

The growth I've seen in J shows that he will do what he is going to do, with or without his W. His preference at this point is with her, but he'll do what he does regardless. Like seeing the L for example.

And J, I agree - find a good one. Don't be afraid to interview and walk away from them. Ask friends, ask for references, etc. It is important to get a good one and not one that just takes the case, ya know?


AJ

I could be off on this certainly.

I'm just reading frustration.

Frustration is definitely part of this process.

Whenever I'm frustrated I know I have given my power to someone else to make me feel that way. Maybe it is a desire to control something I have no control over.

Maybe it is expectation I have no right to expect. Whatever.

It is a choice to give that power to someone else.

Why?

That is the question for J...

Taking that power back means possessing our own feelings.

My no choice is solely financial and convenience speaking. Difficult in our current school schedule to make a house move or anything of that nature. Don't wanna upset the kids at school and the whole nine yards. This woman is becoming completely intolerable and I feel that she will be broken for some time. My hola has always been to be married to her. I believe it is the best and most stable situation. I said forever and I meant it. Problem is, this woman in my house has buried any love, caring, or compassion for me somewhere deep under the hate and fog. I cannot stand seeing her, sharing the house with her, talking to her, or being around her. She is so full of hate and misunderstanding that any normal feelings towards me are dead. She cannot even give me the common courtesy that she gives strangers.

Back up on her feet today and she tries to provoke me in the worst way. I've had a death in my family and she has shown nothing. Not that I expected it. Her BFF has texted me several times to express her sympathy. Bit tw woman I've shared 20 years of life with, nothing. Lets me know where she's at for sure.

Another Irony of DB JF, The stronger and more self aware the DB'er becomes...The more the WAS spouse tends to despise them (This is straight out of my ex's mouth by the way).

Sounds whacked JF...but the angrier she is at the moment....The better the job you are doing on yourself....

A lot of life is perception (I have this same talk with another poster)....The problem with perception is that it can turn into reality. In you situation....You do have a choice. You could walk out the door any day....nobody will stop you. Now you can use the excuses of finances or convenience, but those are just excuses. Both of those excuses are easily recoverable.....If you asked me why I thought you were staying...I would say I think it is because your values, principles, and long term goals match with the action of staying. See you shouldn't be staying because you have no choice...You should be staying because that is who you are!!!

To put a finer point on it, you should stay because you choose to.

Sorry about the death in your family. My condolences, but watch out for the W's BFF texting you a lot. I know, just friends...

AJ

Recent events have shown me how broken my W truly is. My stepfather passed away somewhat unexpectedly and my W showed zero compassion or love during it all. I understand that an MLCer has a hard time dealing with death because it reminds them of their mortality. I was incredibly disappointed by her childish behavior throughout the process. I have zero expectations for her towards me anymore. I truly thought there might be some semblance of a human adult being inside of her. I was wrong.

I dealt with 3 children all day Sunday as I picked up my mother and spent the day with her. One 10, one 12, and one 39. The day consisted of funeral home, lunch, funeral, and spending time at moms afterwards. A draining day to say the least. My children were shown 2 VERY different examples of how to act during the process. My 39 year old W played with them at inappropriate times, laughing and giggling like a child. She showed only care for my stepsister when she saw her in front of a crowd. No compassion for my mother who was burying her husband. Played and laughed in the van the whole time while she wasn't complaining about riding in the middle row cause my mom was up front.

This woman is completely broken. Reconciliation with her is the farthest thing from my mind. Followed that up by coming home with a huge shopping bag full of clothes for her and the boys yesterday. She had already commented earlier that the savings account was empty.

Only thing I can do right now is continue trying to protect myself financially and emotionally by removing myself from everything. I am getting off the roller coaster and getting out of the way of this train wreck. Must survive til June in current living situation.