Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Reaching out for support and advice 3

I like Wonka's advice on what to say. Your husband is ill, they need to know that.

Have you thought of counseling for them? It can be helpful to talk to someone not connected to the situation. At 15 your D may or may not be interested. It's never to early to show our kids how to take care of themselves. When we need help, we ask for it.

Yes, I've been considering counseling for both kids. D was against it at first, but now is more open to the idea.

It is strange how they can be so ill, yet put on a mask and fool other people around them.

I know how you feel, Blues. Whenever my H is around the kids (at least in front of me) he acts so happy and up, it's almost manic. It kind of creeps me out, actually. I wonder if the kids think it's weird. And there have been many situations (many of them involving my H talking about "the Dad Pad") where if I had any mini meatloaves, I would have done one better than throwing them at him and shoved them up his . . . well, you know.

I agree with bug that counseling might be in order for your kiddos, esp. your 15 year old.

blues, I can't speak for your H, but I wore a mask for years. For a long time I didn't know that was what I was doing, I thought I was keeping all the balls in the air and this nagging feelings aof anxiety and not being good enough were because I wasn't trying hard enough. So I did as I was taught as a child, put a brave face on things and carried on, worked a little harder. Then, being the "Good Daughter", I moved my mother (post stroke) to my city in a care home. She died a few years after that and my mask began to crack. To my H's credit, he knew the weirdness of my R with my mother and while he supported me, he knew it was not a good thing to have her here.

My saving grace I think was that I found my IC the year before my mom died, so I was in care over that period of time. It's been a long, difficult path but as I've said before, I wouldn't give nuthin' for my journey now.

There are only a few things that I hope I've been able to instill in my sons, one is no matter the illness, seek treatment. Don't let stigma and small minds keep you from being well. Broken leg, find a good ortho doc. Mental illness, find a good therapist.

I know this is so hard for you blues. Take care of yourself and help your kids learn to care for themselves by watching you.

Things will get better.

moved my mother "to my city in a care home." She wasn't actually brought here in a care home, although that would have been so much easier!

I moved her to a care home in my city.

Thanks bug

Melissa-I started kickboxing again and it feels sooo good.

Yay, Blues, glad to hear you are kickboxing again!

Go you!

H came over to visit the kids tonight. He was kind, smiling, good mood. I had a PMA and hung out with him and the kids (he asked me to). We enjoyed a nice meal and he even complimented my cooking for the second day in a row. Since BD, he has only complimented me once.

We exchanged a lot of smiles and glances when the kids did something funny. We competed with family video games. Very much like old times.

H made a comment about leaving early tonight due to the poor road conditions. He acted a little antsy and anxious to leave.

We are getting an old fashioned winter storm here in Wisconsin and our electricity started flickering. As he was leaving he told me no less than 3 times to call him if we have any troubles or if the electricity goes out or if I just need him there for security and he'll be there.

What??? I just wanted to scream 'If you want to be there for us, then don't leave! But...I just smiled and shook my head. He has always had a strong need to protect us. It's confusing for a LBS to be left but told just call and I'll be there....

Blues,

You need to be loving, but also set some boundaries my dear friend. While you are new to this (and overall doing very well) you have to really accept the current situation as it is. Family nights are fun, but they do lead to confusion for you and way more important than that, they lead to confusion for the kids;

"What are we doing, just pretending everything is ok? Are we that family now?"....as a case in point.

One of the things I see a lot with the women on here is that they let the WAH swing by the house whenever he wants for these family nights. The husband gets his fill of family time, but it leaves the women and children confused. Is that fair for the kids?

Another thing I have noted....is that must of the men I know who returned to their marriage, did so because they missed seeing their kids. That missing of the kids was the motivation to help them see their marriage in a different light and start working on the marriage again. Right now your husband has chosen to leave the marriage....his choice....and a consequence of that choice is not seeing the kids daily or whenever he wants.

Remember...You cannot miss the good times if they are readily available to you....Think about that.

blues. I too have not set bounderies and allow h to come by at his convenience. we have no formal visitation schedule and I have been at this almost 2 years. H still pays all the bills.
he doesn't eat dinner here or hang out. his coming by is brief. I am always pleasant.

he communicates by text/calls almost daily with d. I am not going to say don't do that but feel like he gets he needs of being a dad met.
my boys are different, they communicate little with him.
my oldest son had a reaction very much like your d...pretending happy family. he is most bothered by situation. when h moved back home last summer(temporarily) s20 left to go stay with a friend. said it felt too weird.

s20 sees a therapist on his own(at college). I think it has helped him. he also has seen a therapist in our home town too. I have seen her as well. I like her a lot and think she has been a good anchor for him.

hope it is a good day