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Heather,
If you start to date, just be yourself, but remember, you are still dealing w/a lot of baggage from your marriage and separation.

You know you are attractive and yes, some men have called or shown interest in you...that should raise your pma just a bit. What I'm concerned about is that you are still very fragile in the emotional department and if the flirting does become serious you may be hurt if the man decides he doesn't want anything more than a couple of dates. For example, look at how you felt after the guy cut you off at the pass last week.

If you go out on dates, look at them as a fun time to get out of the house and have some male companionship, nothing more. It's better to look at it that way and if a good man comes along, he will understand why you are being cautious. If he doesn't, then it's just date a friend and nothing more. Don't become an easy target for being nothing more than a f@ck buddy to a man after one date. If the right man comes along, start out as friends and grow from there. It takes times to develop a loving relationship and you can't reach the finish line in one date, it takes quite a few of them to actually get to know each other.

You owe it to yourself to learn more about you and what you would expect from a man and yes life. You've had so many ups and downs in your life the last couple of years and now that things are starting to work out for you and now is the time to really get to know Heather w/o all of the stressors of the past.

I want you to be happy and no, you don't need someone in your life...but it would be nice to have someone walk the path of life and share what life has to offer.

Thank you Job and thank you GM.

I'm sorry about the tantrum. Well, actually, I'm not sorry about the tantrum. I needed to let some of that out. It's how I feel.

Sorry about the raspberry though. :-)

Turns out eharmony is kinda like the mafia. You can't just quit. IDK. And, I'm not sure I want to.

Couple of things were/are going on...

Smokey's treatment of D11 really upset me. I know I should be used to it by now, but wow. That was a new low, even for him. And, it made me angry. Really angry. And, I need to vent those feelings.

I have some great opportunities right now (professionally and with the bookkeeper/possible housecleaning), but it also means a lot to get done and I'm scared and a bit overwhelmed. This is going to be a really busy week. I have a lot on my plate right now, but in a good way. I have the chance to build the life I want and it's exciting. But, it's also exhausting and I desperately need to do a better job of balancing the fun and work. From the boards, I think it's easy to see that I will go until I'm ragged, without any break for fun/rejuvenation and that needs to stop. NEEDS TO STOP.

D11 NEEDS to get involved in, at least, two activities outside the house. And, pushing her to do so is a pain in my a$$. I need a break. The winter, the homeschooling, the Asperger's...I need a break from her. BIG TIME. Her schoolwork is going well, she has great friends and we've made HUGE progress. I'm no longer her security blanket. She doesn't even do the nighttime ritual anymore. Next on our list is OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES. Here, I'm a bit frustrated. I think I'd be satisfied with 4H and I could get help with rides. I really need a weekend off. Getting her to go somewhere to spend the night is still a big deal and my mom never offers. She is really the only place she will go for a night. If I asked my mom for two nights, my mother would cringe. I need a god damn break. Houston, I think we just found a big source of the tantrum. I have a million professional things and dissolutions things, etc... to take care of and I'm sick of my 11-yr-old saying she is bored or whatever. It's February and I need a break.

When opportunities arise I'm feeling even more depleted, instead of excited and ready to move forward.

I feel depleted and I need to handle that. I think that's why I took the eharmony thing so hard. I've needed an outlet and a chance to get some of MY needs met. I've worked hard and I need to make time for me.

I have 6 students right now, I'm trying to continue with the tech writing, firewood is a constant need, we've been cooped up in the house, dissolution is on my brain, got the bill for D19's college ($2500), parenting alone...everyone here knows where I'm coming from...I just need to keep on truckin but take better care of myself.

And, there's the decision about the difficult student. I think this family is nuts. I don't want this kid at my house for two or three times each week. This means a huge imposition and issues with D11. But, I need the money.

And, I have two other clients that I have some big decisions to make.

The bottom line for me right now...I'm learning about myself. I'm learning to speak up for myself and ask for what I need and want.

And, I also guess I took it a little personally when the subject of hurting someone else's feelings came up. I would never do that. And, maybe I gave the wrong impression here about what I'm up to.

Everything you said Job, about taking it slow and developing a friendship...that's all I'm doing. I really was stunned how, in the span of a week, I guess just knowing that I'm still desirable...IDK. I don't feel the desperation.

When the forester came along, I felt like maybe this was it for me. Maybe I won't meet anyone that I will click with again. Maybe I'm too old, too damaged, too whatever. And, I really wasn't sure if I could feel attracted to anyone by Smokey. Really.

But, now, I feel like maybe life hasn't passed me by after all and maybe I still have a deep, meaningful relationship ahead of me. And, frankly, eharmony kinda fits better than the other sites because I'm happy to have the screening done for me. I'm sick of jerks and I'm clear that I'm only looking to get to know someone.

Thanks for listening. I need to get busy.

GM,

No apology necessary. This is what this is about. Challenging each other and becoming better people.

You made me think about what was going on and, honestly, it's when something touches a nerve that I feel the most grateful for this board.

I was having some concerns myself and needed to get to the root of what was bugging me.

I may need to journal some today to let more out.

May not be able to get out of eharmony. And, that's ok. I will just have to be up front and honest when I'm contacted.

And, you're right about my mom. I need to put it out there and let her help.

We are in similar situations and I appreciate your thoughts. I really do. I just happen to have a bunch of feelings pent up at the time you posted. LOL.

Single parenting is not for the faint-hearted and our situations bring new meaning to the idea of single parenting. More like SOLE PARENTING.

The day has been good so far.

Checked in some with my bookkeeper. She has offered to do some cleaning too. She is a wiz at bringing order to stuff...messes, financial and otherwise, so I'm excited.

I told the parents of the difficult child I would be willing to go three times a week. For 3.5 hours each time and the nanny would have to be here. I gave a quote for the highest figure I was comfortable asking and they accepted. I also stipulated that I needed a commitment through June 15 and I would only do this if I could count on the money regardless of cancellation, sickness, holidays, etc...

I just may be able to go to North Carolina for a four days or so. My mom would be driving and I could afford to put in money for food and a hotel.

I'm ok with working hard if I have something to look forward to at the end.

I'm setting aside Tuesday afternoons and Thursdays for tech writing. I may add Saturdays too.

I have those "friends" to still deal with. The friends who don't pay. I was tutoring their one son in math, but they haven't paid me a dime in February yet. I may need to let him go for my own sanity. I hate to do it. But I could earn $100 in the same amount of time I that I would earn about $5 with him. C'est la vie. And, then, there's D11's bestie (sister of the boy above) I've been teaching her a multitude of classes. AND, I've even picked her up these past weeks. Because the mom had some suspiciously (possibly) unnecessary surgery. But, I love the girl and I love helping her get outta the house. I need to re-configure my expectations with these two students. I really don't have the time. And, I'm being taken advantage of.

Today, they called off because it's President's Day. No one asked if I was still having classes, which I am. Seriously?

I can't be angry though because I'm asking for it.

I will need to get a really good heater for my classroom so I can keep the difficult boy away from my students.

Ok, this is helping. I need to keep sorting through all these feelings. I have a lot going on.

Yes, you are allowing others to take advantage of you and you are the only one that can put your foot down and stop this. If they haven't paid you, send them a letter and advise them that you are letting their children go at the end of the week or the end of the month, but don't commit to teaching the come March 1st w/o a check in hand for both February and March.

I know you feel sorry for the little girl, but you aren't running a taxi service and gas is expensive, more so when you don't know when you'll get paid.

I think it would do you a world of good to get away for a few days and go to NC w/your mom. The change in scenery would really help your pma.

As for the difficult boy, did you look into some of the suggestions I gave you?

Heather, you have to learn to say "no" and "I will not allow others to take advantage of me". There's nothing wrong in saying no, especially when you know that you are being used over and over again. Time to change all of that. I know you care for your students, but that's not paying your bills.

Take care.

Just had to get tough with D19. She is pi$$ed. She called for more money. Since January 20, I've sent her $125 in cash, paid the housing deposit, purchased two textbooks, gave her $25 in cash for laundry. She needs money for her sorority dues. Last year, I told her that, if she joined a sorority, she needed to get a job. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm tapped out. And, honestly, if given the choice, I'm going to North Carolina.

I told her clearly. "YOU need a JOB."

I got the "But, mom, I've tried."

To which I replied, "You are smart and you can figure this out."

"I don't have a car."

"Like I said, you are smart and you can figure this out."

She needs to understand that college is a privilege. I'm sorry that it has to be like this, but I don't want her frittering this opportunity away. She spends way too much time on the sorority stuff.

If she learns, now, how to organize her time and pay for what she wants in life...She will be better off in the long run.

Having things taken care of, easily, never helped me or her father much. I'm sure she is feeling low and scared right now, but she is tough and can handle it.

Ok. Those two students are out. Job, you are right. I've given enough. I'm done being taken advantage of. I will let them know this week.

I just looked online at the cottages my sister is renting for the stay in Asheville. I think it's do-able. And, I could bring the dog which means I save some money on a kennel ($100+). It would be from Saturday/Sunday to Thursday. I think that's about perfect for me right now. I will call it spring break with my students.

Yes, I created some really stringent boundaries for the difficult student. Nanny will be attending with him. 3.5 hours tops. $540 per month. I also told them I need a 6 month commitment--no allowances for sickness, cancellations, etc...

Teenage student was looking for a hammer. He found a picture of me from my student id in college. Smokey used to do this stuff. He would stash pics of me and the girls in his tool boxes, shed, special box in his closet. It brought tears to my eyes.

Well, I just got tough with Smokey and I filed a request to file a request for child support with the local child support enforcement agency.

And!! I'm ok! I didn't melt, evaporate, fall apart or have a nervous breakdown!! Go figure.

It started innocently. I simply texted, "Will you be making any deposits this week?

Smokey: Yes, house payment and prob a couple hundred.

Me: I need exact figures and times. That's well below what we agreed upon.

Smokey: No reply.

I wait.

Me: I will need to file for an order of temporary support if something doesn't change by Friday. You placed the burden of parenting soley on my shoulders and you aren't paying the agreed upon support.

Smokey Replies!!

I will be mailing the house payment along with a couple hundred dollars of the child support and the rest of the money will come in the last check of this month.

And, so-and-so called me about a bill due.

Me: I'm glad So-and-So was able to reach you. The kids and I usually aren't so lucky. In January, you promised money and it never appeared. If you can give me an exact amount and date I can expect it, I would appreciate it.

And, the remaining tuition bill for D19 came. I will forward this bill and my tax information to you by the beginning of next week.

No response.

I can't say he doesn't scare me at all. But, wow, it's more like a little shiver of disgust than a full on shake.

Oh!!

And, I told the client "Friends" that I can't tutor their kids anymore. She sent an angry response. But, I'm glad I did it.

The North Carolina trip will end up costing more than I thought. I'm looking around for something to sell!!! If Smokey had paid the support, we could do it.

I need to think on it today.

Heather,

Good for you! Setting boundaries wasn't scary at all, isn't it? How did that make you feel?