Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here again, afraid it may be too little too late

Made an appt for a consultation with an attorney next week, appt with counselor tomorrow. Did the dishes and went grocery shopping with D15. Practice tonight for youngest, wish this knot in my stomach would go away.

J

Unfortunately it's easy to fall back into old habits. But think about what worked before, and do those things again! Try to make your changes stick this time.



He may have been having an affair while away, that's usually what triggers the sudden desire to push for D after time apart. Usually absence makes the heart grow fonder, so when the opposite happens there's often a reason for it.



Don't push for MC anymore, things are beyond that doing any good. Traditional MC just does not work for a WAS. Consider a DB coach instead.



No one thing triggers a WAS to leave, so don't beat yourself up over it.



I have read so many reconciliation stories here in which the LBS at one time thought things were totally over. 25 is a frequent poster here and she and her H have been doing fantastic, and at one time she said she gave her M a 95% chance of failing. So don't give up hope, hold it in your heart for as long as you want. In the end it's YOUR choice when to quit hoping.

Thanks,

I needed that. Unfortunately I don't think it was and affair that triggered him asking for a divorce. It was that state of our marriage that triggered an affair, if there is one.

I am at the beginning of this so am so lost and empty. He told me he was going to file for divorce, left 5 days later, didn't want the kids to even know. Now I find myself wanting them to know so they understand why I feel the way I do...selfish right.

I will not tell them, it was his decision, he will at least have to be here for that pain.

J

I know it says not to talk to family and friends about it, but I feel like if I have people to talk to I will feel better.

Don't get me wrong, I have shared with one good friend and my sister, but I don't want to drain them either. I did talk to his sister a little today, but she brought it up....

I just feel like I would feel less alone if I had more people to talk to.

Very lonely,
J

"I know it says not to talk to family and friends about it, but I feel like if I have people to talk to I will feel better."

Yes you're right. YOU will feel better. However, once your W finds out you've been telling everyone, things will get worse and that temporary "good feeling" you had from telling people will soon be gone and you'll end up feeling 10 times lonelier than you are now.

"Don't get me wrong, I have shared with one good friend and my sister, but I don't want to drain them either. I did talk to his sister a little today, but she brought it up...."

And what good is it going to do to tell everyone? It won't change your situation. Trust me, we've all been there. That's why you've got to get YOURSELF strong. Telling everyone won't do that. If you're a religious kind of person, you could always talk to God about it.

"I just feel like I would feel less alone if I had more people to talk to.

Very lonely,"

If you start telling your friends, they aren't going to want to be around you because it makes them feel awkward. Then you'll be left more lonely than you are now.

Do an activity that you mentally have to think about. Something that will keep your mind off of things.

I understand why, but I need to have someone to talk to, I feel so alone.

My H drops this on me, doesn't tell our kids, all of his things are still here, and leaves to a war zone. He's not communicating with me, but he did finally text the girls.

Counseling appt later today, wish I could just sleep all day, that's the only time I don't feel sick.

J

Maybe I missed something, and no disrespect to Mr. Bond, but I disagree with this:



I think it's really important to have someone (preferably more than one someone) to talk to . . . vital, even. The key is to know which of your friends have earned the right to hear about it. Once you select those friends that you know you can trust, you will figure out which ones are really going to be there for you, and which ones maybe feel too uncomfortable to talk about it. The friends who don't really want to talk about it are still important, though, because you can GAL with them, without talking about your H or your sitch - it provides a nice break for you.

I definitely agree that H's sister (or any other family of his) is NOT the person you should be talking to about your sitch. That puts her in an awkward position, and you don't want anything getting back to your H. It will not help your cause at all to talk to his family.

I also think that C and a DB coach are a good idea. And, you have your friends here to talk to! So keep posting.

Also, I am a little concerned that it seems you are isolating yourself, which will only make things worse. This is when you NEED to be going out and GAL. If you are a runner, GO RUN!!! I can't even tell you how much physical exercise has saved me through this ordeal. Running is the best - you really could use those endorphins!

I know you are not motivated. I wasn't either. You need to FORCE yourself to GAL. Get together with friends. Get our of your house!! I promise, it will help.

Thanks Melissa, I agree, my sister is my rock and I have confided in one other friend. Unfortunately neither one lives here. I did talk to my SIL briefly but she initiated the conversation, and I asked her not to say anything I said to H cuz he would be pissed. She understands her brother and knows that. I have no intention on talking to her about it anymore.

I do feel isolated, but honestly I have been living a very isolated life for quite some time. I'm know that this has been part of the problem with my marriage.

I'm not taking care of myself very well, have not eaten much in the past few days and am very weak, can't hold much down. I have a counseling appt this afternoon and am afraid I won't be able to drive there.

J

lost, I can totally empathize with how you are feeling. I had a lot of trouble eating, sleeping, doing anything for those first few weeks.

Let me tell you something that helped me tremendously.

I realized that nobody was coming to save me.

Lost, YOU have to save YOURSELF.

STOP accepting the role of victim.

You said yourself, you have been isolated for too long. Change that. Go out and do things. I don't care what they are. Even if you just go to Starbucks and sit amongst other living beings, even if you don't talk to them.

PLEASE exercise. Force yourself. There were days when I wondered if I would pass out exercising bc I was so tired and so emotionally exhausted. And guess what? I never did, and I felt better afterward.

Are you going to immediately feel all better? No. It doesn't work that way. But as you get into the habit of doing things for yourself, you will start to notice that, bit by bit, you are feeling better.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

I know everything you are saying is true, I am playing a victim. I do need to take care of myself, if not for me for my kids. I just have to figure out how to take that first step.

I did do something for myself, I called someone to come clean my house! Big step for me since that was always one of issues...I'm horrible at taking care of the house thing. When I was working we would argue about having someone come clean the house. Now that I haven't been working I feel I should be able to take care of the house. Guess what, I suck at it, I don't like it but I like it clean...so hire someone I did!