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It's interesting the similarities many of us share here.

Taking a break from my own cleaning bonanza to check in!

I wanted to respond to what you posted on my thread . . .





I nodded and smiled in agreement a lot as I read this.

I feel the same way about not wanting to have any conversations with my H. I always feel worse afterward for one reason or another. But yeah, he does the same crap your H did with you not wanting to go to a bar. My H takes some random conversation or something I did (sometimes even from many years ago), skews the reality of it to something he wants to see, and then reminds me of it years later to prove some point about me. auuggghhhh.

3, I think that your H (and mine) can't allow himself to understand how much he has hurt you - because then he wouldn't be able to do what he is doing. Our Hs are very similar in some ways, I think. They each have a fantasy in their heads of how this is all going to go down (obviously in a way that suits them and where they don't need to feel any guilt and can still think they are awesome and everything is fine), and they get mad when something happens and they can't make it fit their plan.

My H is fond of saying things to give himself evidence that he was right to leave . . . like, "it's just like when we were married, we just don't understand each other," or, "it's just part of your personality, it's who you are." When we had a talk before he moved out, about how things were going to work and what he was going to take, I agreed with his plan for seeing the kids, I told him he could take whatever he wanted from the house, and agreed with everything else he said. Until he said he wanted to take the cat. I said no. And you know what I got? "It's just like always, I can't win an argument with you. You always have to get your way."

I can't really believe that my H is just a total jerk. (He sure is acting like one, though.)
I've decided to view it more like he is limited. I guess emotionally limited. He can only do what he can do, and this is the best he can do.

OK, enough bitching about Hs. I like your idea of being glad you are you rather than him. This time is so difficult for us, but by going through it and learning about ourselves and making the changes we need to make, we are setting ourselves up for a great future. Whereas our Hs are getting what they want at the moment, so they are happy now, but long term they will carry their issues with them. It's hard to see now, but I guess I would rather be me.

M, I think we are married to the same H. I have had the same arguments with my H. It just goes to show that no relationship is perfect. I think that our Hs are going to be disappointed when they determine that the idea of a perfect R that they have created in their mind does not exist.

I am officially exhausted after the marathon cleaning session. The house looks amazing. The garage, basement and office have NEVER looked this clean and organized. Even when my H would help, he would get bored 3/4 of the way through and the project would remain unfinished. Without him here I was able to power through everything.

After I finished the house, I ran out to the grocery store. I must have hit a wall because seeing couples/families together made me sad. I knew that I was just tired and that was why my PMA was taking a hit. So I bought myself some ice cream to eat while I watch the bachelor (and lose some brain cells) and try and forget about the fact that H is with OW (yuck).

I got a call from one of my BFF tonight. She was in tears when I answered the phone. She has withstood more heartache in the past four years than anyone should have to experience in a lifetime. Her story makes mine look like a walk in the park. My heart breaks for her knowing that she is going through a very similar sitch. She deserves a break and pure happiness. I am just glad we can be there for each other.

My W does the same stuff. its not just men. although I do think that a WAS that is a W is somewhat different. I just can't quantify or explain why yet

I know when I left 5 years ago (albeit for only 2 weeks) I had a sense of purpose when I came home. People needed me. I don't see my W doing that. we are all moving forward with or without her and she seems to be just fine with that.

she's parked across the street tonight again. didn't come into the house to say hi to the kids that were away with me. She never came by to see D16 during the 4 days I was gone. She only texted her to ask "would you like me to sleep over...?"

If I were on the other side of this and I was, I'd be trying to get time to see them...I don't know...just adding in I guess .

Nothing new...just kind of chugging along. I am trying to finish up the house projects. I have someone coming out tomorrow to change the locks on all our exterior doors. I am not trying to lock H out. We changed our exterior door handles and never had the keys made so I just need to finish up the project so that we have keys to the doors. The house should be great after that! It is such a huge relief.

I am also trying to catch up at work. I am getting up early tomorrow to get some stuff done in the morning. H will have the kids on Friday night so I am planning to work late that night as well.

I am hopeful that once I catch up at work and the house is taken care of, I can get back to my GAL activities.

How are you feeling lately?

I hope you're as great as you sound. A big key in this is getting through a lot of "firsts" and figuring out that you can do This, whatever This happens to be at the time.

Sometimes you get to do it in your time, in your way, without consulting another adult. There's a certain amount of freedom in that. Initially it's difficult to admit that because it somehow feels were giving up, or being "unfaithful" to you M.

I think it just means we are finding more of our power.

Yes, there are negatives but there are also positives.

Good question blues! You are actually making me dig deep for this one

I am feeling more and more like myself. My sitch and my H are occupying less of my head space, although I know that it still needs a lot of work. When my H says crazy/selfish things, it no longer leaves me spinning out of control.

I have spent a lot of time thinking that maybe this is the way that things were supposed to work out. Maybe God has a different plan for my life, even if it is different from my plans/dreams. Maybe God knows that I deserve/need more love than my H had to offer. I feel like I don't need to fight as hard to hang onto our M. I don't feel as desperate as I did a few months ago. Don't get me wrong, I would still love for my H to be the guy that I grow old with and I will continue to stand for my M. But I want him to earn that love. And I understand and accept that my H may not be willing/capable of doing so.

Most of the time I feel happy and ok. I try to keep myself busy so that I dont have a lot of time to dwell on the negatives. This week I just would not let myself think about the fact that H was away on business with the OW. I just don't want to go there because it gets me stuck. Although I did talk about it this week in IC to try and work through the emotions so I am not completely bottling them up.

The last fews day I can been missing my H. I guess that I just miss having someone to share things with and worry about me. I just miss my BF. I was so proud of my progress detaching from H that I got frustrated that I was feeling sad and lonely again. But I realized on my drive to work this morning that it was okay. I am not really backsliding. Honestly, I will probably always care about my H and love him. I am not the one that fell out of love and left. I will also wonder what my life would have looked life if H did not leave and would have tried to work on our R. Those emotions will probably always be there.

I keep hearing the song "Say Something" on the radio and I feel like it was written for my life right now. If you have not heard the song here are the first four lines:

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

I feel like I am giving up on my H. I have given him so many changes to try and change and to save our M and our family. And he seems very content on living his life and trying to find his external source of happiness. I feel like I am slowly dropping the rope.

So I guess this is my question to the vets. Can I still let go of the rope even if those emotions (missing my H and what we used to have) are still there? I just cant imagine erasing all of those emotions based upon our 15+ year history.

3-

The first part of your post was positive and shows how far you've come.

I feel like dropping the rope means to stop pursuing. Stop asking questions/trying to control and just live your life. I think you have technically dropped the rope in many ways. It seems to me like you've reached a new level of detachment. You still love and care about your H, but you aren't riding his rollercoaster and you want to increase your personal growth and independence.

In some ways I associate dropping the rope and the feeling of throwing my hands up in the air giving up.

It's a mixed bag of feelings: Like good riddance, weight off my shoulders, but also a loss.

I miss my best friend, too. I miss the person that used to take such good care of the kids and I.

Maybe I'm wrong about the rope dropping definition, bring on the vets!

Excellent song 3B...one of my favorites at the moment.

You didn't backslide at all.....You handled your feelings in an excellent manner.

Dropping the rope can be as Blue said....just tossing your hands up and saying "I quit". That really isn't the DB way of dropping the rope though. That is more just quitting on the journey.

Now, IMHO, dropping the rope here is more like.....thinking like this.

I still love you (and always will in some little place), I appreciate our times together, and I wish you the best on your next adventures. I am not going to let our past control my present or future....However those times unfold for me.

Really "letting go" is done with acceptance of the present....not filled with anger, hate, etc....But more a loving good bye.

Does that makes sense? LOL