Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How to patch things back in R after affair ended

Great news. Keep up the good work. Feels likenmy W will notncome back

Talk is cheap, actions are what you want.

You had commitment(supposedly)before. Did it prove to give you security?

I was a little vague about having a timeline. My suggestion would be, don't have on. Let this unfold slowly.

Went out last night with primarily a lot of his friends. Made sure I looked as good as I could. He showed a lot of interest in me with winks, smiles and cheeky remarks.
Their was a girl there that I knew had been trying to show him attention which he disclosed to me prior to us going, in case I felt strange about it. I ensured that not only did i not make an issue but befriended her as well. I figured if she likes me most woman would now feel uncomfortable to cross the line again. In her defense she did not no I existed when she made advances.
What does seem to be happening though is less physical advances from him replaced with more emotional ones. So he hasn't tried to come onto me in about 5/6 days but instead has been a little more emotionally connected to me and my feelings. A family member passed away yesterday and he has been right their making sure I'm ok. Cuddles and snuggle in bed.
so positives - more emotional connection, more meaningful touches, support in my feelings, and made his interest still known with flirting openly in front of friends that know our sitch.
only negative is the less physical advances but in replacement of the above this can not really be viewed as a negative. I do admit though that it makes me feel a little insecure that previously when the no interest was their physically it usually meant that he had interests elsewhere so its hard to not have a smidgen of this thought be present.

One thing I have also changed in this last few days is my head space. I have gone from playing the flirting game to 'well now its your turn...' this I'm sure has contributing to the above but it was my experiment to see the results.

got a brush on my face this morning as he got out of bed. Wow. Forgot what that felt like.
We had a death in the family and he has been nothing but supportive. Still scared something is going to back fire. I feel the attention to the good stuff I have been searching for has become a lot and now I'm trying to find the negative. I'm stopping myself of course but at the same time because I've been focusing on the positive steps and enjoying it I've got to remember to keep GALing.
Constantly thinking and remembering the rules is getting hard.

Hi GM

wanted to drop by and say thanks for the advice.. putting my ultimatum into a more positive form was a big help..less controlling..
sounds like things are going well with you.. keep it up..
I find negative thoughts take me to negative places.. then I am angry..or grumpy.

Thanks Lou!
Yeah - you know I think its the hardest thing to change the way you think.
Now I have learnt to recognise the little trigger inside me and I can stop myself and ask - how else can I look at this.
I realised after reading the DR that my intentions as good as most of them were - just were simply interpreted incorrectly from my H. So it is exactly the same the opposite way round, so I keep telling myself 'it's not as bad as you think it is''your interpreting it worse'

Although they are being quite nasty now - they didn't get there on there own. Thanks for dropping by! I'll come for another visit soon!

Feeling a little down today. Family funeral and it has been very exhausting. I seen how wonderful the husband loved his wife and she was taken prematurely from him. They spoke of her being his princess and the wonderful things they had/did together with their children.

I know I need to let my emotions die down but damn it!! I want to be the princess for a change. I want to know that that'll be me when its my turn. It just puts his immaturity into perspective as being a minor spak attack on our overall lives. So frustrating that I have to play this long ball. I feel like saying if you don't want me get out because I need to find someone who does. But not in anger, in a 180 way and all whilst being positive and calm!!! I want to lose it, throw myself a right little temper tantrum!

anyhow, maybe I just needed to get that off my chest, because as I read back over my stuff I'm doing ok. Thankfully he is not here as I'm glad I can bite my tongue. He is actually being a wonderful H and taking care of kids and he organised my trip for me so I can be with family.

If my W had died one day before BD the same things would have been said at her funeral. I was completely clueless about how unhappy she was. Don't look at others and wish you could model their R, because their R is probably not the nirvana you think it is. Make the best of yours and leave them to theirs!

very true AS, all I need was some time to feel 'normal' again. H called to see how I was and make sure I'm set for my flight back. He checked in for me (wow) and has expressed his sympathy to myself and my side of the family for not being able to be here.

So yes I focused on this and feel much better. thank you sooo much for your pep up as I really did need it!

So since my funeral and flight back things have been amazing mostly. My H gutted the whole house and cleaned - including the toilet and oven! He has been doing lots of really lovely gestures etc etc. I know the R talk is looming and wonder if he is thinking that also - we agreed that we would clean up the 'mess' that was his break up with the OW, get over xmas and new year and then we would talk about us and our sitch. Which to my understanding was him to move back out. But of course he has done everything in his power to contribute to the house, to me, to the kids etc etc to make it pretty clear he isn't/doesn't want to go anywhere.
Yesterday he mentioned about renovating the room he had been staying in, which I thought he would want still there 'in case' but his attention to me has been pretty amazing.
I'm just so damn scared. What if this has gone back to quickly? how do I know this is right? and how the hell do I bring up this topic - the topic of us now moving forward. Kind of scared of scaring him off with 'talk' as he has such trouble doing it. He has always had trouble with communication and resolutions. I read the DB book and think it is my approach but trying to rack my brain as to how I need to raise this.