Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW Said She's Done, III Realization setting in

So WAW went out again last night with some friends and never came home. I did not get a text or call as to what was going on. When I woke up in the morning I texted her asking if she was okay. She responded yes and said sorry for not calling or texting, she didnt want to wake me. (how thoughtful right)

Then she calla and asks if I could come pick her up from her friends house and give her a ride to the bar to pick up her car. I told her we were just waking up and can she call anyone else to do it, as am not sure when I could get there. She said yes, but I was the first person she thought of. I again said try someone else first and if not I'll see what I can do.

I am so angry right now. I can't believe her. Who does she think she is?

OneDay, sounds like your wife and mine have a lot in common when it comes to being emotionally walled off. Before reading DR and the 37 rules it felt like I was being gutted.

From reading other books, my wife has blocked out all feeling because no emotion feels better than hurting. Sounds like you wife is in the same boat. My wife also will seem to snap out of it for a couple minutes, and then wall back up.

I am early in my sitch too, but hang in there. When my wife has seen my PMA she seems to get confused about how to react and has been finding ways to justify her earlier feelings. She has been thawing out some and I hope becoming introspective of our situation, but I keep telling myself baby steps.

Feel lucky that you still live together, I only have about 45 minutes to 2 hours a week to even interact with my WAW.

Perhaps that is a boundary that you need to make clear. Just like if she was a teenager, if she lives in the home, you deserve a phone call. If you keep the conversation solely on that, i don't think that would be bad.

Boundries were set when she got home and believe it or not she agreed. She said she was sorry for not calling or texting earlier and knew it was wrong. She said I won't happen again. We'll see

Something I found kind of funny after I told her I would not be able to pick her up. She texted me back saying it would probably be around 12 before she could get a ride but If "I"wanted her to come home earlier than I could just pick her up and bring her home and she will get her car later. She put herself in that position and she can get herself out.

At first I had some guilt but after a bit I actually felt good for not picking her up.

I myself have been having some feelings of resentments towards the WAW. However, that is of my own making. It is like they have all the power (they don't really, just seems that way sometimes).

For instance, we are supposed to be amicable, so I ask her if she wants to do something sometimes (really minor, like watch a movie, or halftime show for the superbowl). Anyway, the answer is always no. Am i even supposed to be asking?

In addition, like your wife, they need to be called out on inappropriate activity (my opinion). I was literally thinking earlier......'if i cause waves, what is she going to do? Get a divorce?????' She already wants that LOL.

I guess i will stop asking, maybe i shouldn't be anyway, didn't think i had an agenda. Just trying to make things bearable as we continue to live together.

No, especially so soon after BD. The only time it's OK to ask is if you're doing something with the kids and inviting her along, but make it clear you are going whether she goes or not. IE, "W, I was going to take the kids to the zoo on Sunday, you're welcome to join if you wish." If she goes then cool. If she doesn't go then fine, you go with the kids anyway. That is the ONLY scenario you should be asking her along for. Don't invite her on dates or anything that is just the two of you together (like watching a movie).

This is getting really hard to take. I feel like Im being beaten down all the time.

In WAW eyes!

1. Nothing I say or do is right.
2. There was never a good moment in our marriage
3. Everything including this divorce is my fault
4. The decisions I chose to do while married is why we are getting a divorce.
5. I discipline the kids is wrong.
6. WRONG WRONG, NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE, WRONG, WRONG

Sure I made some mistakes but I did alot good things in our marriage, for her our kids, our home etc. After hearing all the bad things from WAW, I almost started to believe that everything was my fault, and I was the most horrible person ever. I am now starting to see that everything she says or I say will be portrayed as negative, even if she is the one in the wrong. This is really hard to take and its wearing me out. I find it SAD that WAW is only focusing on the bad parts of our marriage.

This is Normal, RIght? Is there anything I can/should do?

I think that is part of the wall they build. If like my wife, brooded over this decision for many months, never saying a word, building her case most likely, that a D was the best choice.

She is so set in her mind that there is not a single small crack in that wall. From what I gather, when we push on the wall it gets stronger, when we step back and give space it may create a crack.

They have to stick to their guns that our marriage was awful and could never be better.....or....they are wrong. Or they open up the door to doubt and that is a difficult spot to be. To protect their own sanity/self image, they must believe that we have no saving grace.

Now if she is yelling....DB suggests saying something like 'i can see you are upset now, I will take a break and we can carry on our conversation when you feel better'. I don't know if that is workable in a 'normal yet all negative' type conversation.

Speak up veterans!

This is completely normal. Even expected. My counselor said my ex had (my name) glasses on. She was looking at me through filters. During our last break up it took a very very long time for her to clear her vision. This time it's clearing faster but she still sees me through filters. You will become the master of biting your tongue and diffusing if you want to keep your sanity. I'm constantly telling myself to not argue with her. I will lose! And so will you. As some people say here.... Stfu.

Try this. Pity her. Look at her like she's wounded or damaged or mentally ill. It will help with not taking the things your w says personally. If you want to take the high road try compassion.

It is all about a shift of blame. Rationalizing/justifying. Protecting image is key for them. It must be you they completely convince themselves. It is all image. They can't be wrong...no way. Damn pride. Don't push them. They need to figure it out so it is their decision. This is why a long time and patience. I learned too late. You guys are early. All I can say is trying to convince, does not work when they feel they are right.