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Indigo


DB101….”change how you look at things” – She said mad but did not say she was divorcing you. Focus on the positives.


IMO, in one way it is a test. Question you will need to ask yourself is how do you want to respond to the test. Me, at this point I would say…if you want to show them to me fine. Please understand that you admit to having something with OM. I am trying to work through that. I hope you understand.


How did I know she was gonna say that……. That is how she feels right now. Why…see below…





Everyone needs to learn to live there choices. I would not have agreed that she was right. I would listen and validate i.e. “I understand that is how you feel”. Take a look at how Mr Bond touches on this….


It is her issue to deal with and only she can deal with it. She will continue to be drawn to him until she makes the CHOICE to face the problem. Your role in this…..continue to be a kick as* dude. Not a whimp, not a doormat…just the best man you can be. A man that respect himself and his family. A man that is responsible and can listen to what his partner needs. A man that can communicate what he wants. A man that is firm in his resolve to be the best man he can be.


That’s good.


NOT good IMO. Why agree with her that she did not do anything to deserve the mistrust. Why agree that YOU pushed her into OM arms. That may be how she FEELS but honestly, you did not put a gun to her head. She made the choice to text om – not you. I would not argue this point with her..but at the same token you do not have to agree with her.


I understand you are scared. You do not have to be. You seem to be taking on the blame for everything. I can tell you that when a spouse cheats – they hide, protect and project on to the LBS the notion that all of the problems in the M was the LBS’s fault. You do not have to buy into that. Own your mistakes – not hers.

What is FEAR to you?

What are you really afraid of?

You already left once?

What is the worse that can happen to you?

Do you think this will kill you?

You can do this Indigo. You can save this. You can have a good healthy M. It will take time and not the timeline you probably have in your head.

We FEAR the unknown…….until we face it…then we realized that the worst part…was the FEAR itself.

Indigo,

You are getting great advice, please breathe, relax, and try to process without focusing in on worst case outcomes. To me, you have an opportunity here to show her that you have become the man she wants, not possessive or dominating.

I have asked this before, not sure you have answered. Have you guys gone to MC? We found an MC who was trained by MWD and Gottmann and was very pro-marriage. Gave us a safe place to have these types of discussions in a non-threatening way.

CB

Indigo,

Everything above is incredible...I will say it again...INCREDIBLE advice. Follow it!!!!

As for the snooping....it needs to stop. You are like the a dog chasing a moving car...You know it will hurt when the car hits you, but you are doing it anyway. I know the "why" you do it, but there is nothing to be gained and in your current emotional state......you will only lose. You have no idea what was said and then you jumped off the emotional cliff....The reality is that by snooping you did it to yourself.

Be the man no woman can resist....snooping isn't on the path to that goal.

Thanks again guys, I feel a lot more centered this morning. I'm done snooping in any way. The only thing it accomplishes it more pain and problems for me.

My W was calmed down by the time I got home last night and things were pretty smooth. Finally before bed she insisted that I look at the text records she had printed out. I finally agreed to look at them. It showed a print out of every text she had received or sent up until 1 yesterday. It only showed texts from me and a couple of her friends numbers. OM number was not on there at all? How is that even possible when I saw it on the site with my own two eyes earlier?? Also when I was on the site it never shows when my number texts W, yet it showed all of them on her print out? I know it was directly from the site that she printed.

How is this possible? Could there be a glitch? I wouldent think you can manipulate what shows up on the print out can you? I mean its pretty much a record of what text activity has gone on.

Indigo,

First off, you will need to be starting a new thread soon.

As for the printout....In the long term picture it doesn't matter. As for your questions....First off there is an emotional/physical state were our minds will start seeing what we want to see.....not what is actually there. A mirage of sorts. You went online expecting to see the OM's number....so your mind showed you OM's number.

The second (and more likely answer) is that you had some sort of filter online for your snooping...Hence the website was just listing text from the OM and other texts were farther down the list (the sorting was by number and not date). That would explain why your number wasn't listed on what you looked at while the OM's was.

I think your actions the last day are a prime example of why you can't answer our questions of you. You see that there is no right or wrong answer that we are looking for. What we are looking at is more how you answer and your actions based upon those answers. MrB, Mach, Eric, myself, and others have been here for awhile....we have walked the walk, so we see right through the short cuts people take. There are no shortcuts though...Only hard work on oneself.

The records are in order by date and time. A steady line of all activity through out the day.

Indigo


Having sat where you are right now...the snooping is going to be a challenge. You can say no...but the minute you go home and your W is a bit moody, you'll want to log on and check the phone records. My advice is promise YOURSELF that no matter what, you are not going to check.


Now do yourself a favor and get back to trying to be the best man you can be!

Start by really writing down what your goals are. Yeah yeah..I'm sure you want to be a better husband and father. What else though...who does Indigo want to be OUTSIDE of his wife and kid?

What hobbies do you want to start?

Where do you want to go to vacation?

What is your plan to achieve these goals.

Be specific...

Just in case you are wondering why I am asking you.....

I want to know who YOU really want to be. I want to show you that YOU and only YOU control YOUR own happiness. Yes, the kids and wifey can be a part of it. But what about your role.

It will be interesting to see what your answers are.

Peace,
Eric

Anything IS possible if you want it bad enough...

You had an expectation inside of you, that you would eventually find out something, that would be detrimental to this relationship....

You pushed until you found SOMETHING....

Didn't have to be accurate, didn't have to be true, it just had to appear that way in your own mind....


Now......

Isn't that the foundation of what a WAS looks like ????

The anger, the accusations, the spew....

Humbling thought huh ????



Once again, what are you working toward ????

Indigo....

Just follow up...you okay?