New realization this weekend ... When I was in Vegas, I thought to myself "This is a blast. I cant wait to come back. Why did I used to hate the idea of Vegas/going out before." I think that I even posted about this when I was in Vegas. I thought to myself that I really need to drop my preconceived notions about things and just live life.
As my H is drinking his way through NYC and the superbowl this weekend (his ridiculously expensive trip that he planned without discussion first) and posts pics on FB (my mom keeps telling me despite the fact she knows I don't go on FB and have told her more than once not to tell me), I realized that my prior hate towards going out does not actually have to do with me, it has to do with my H. My H complained that I never liked to go out drinking. I used to say that it was just not my thing. The truth is: I just hate going out drinking with my H.
While my H does not drink often, when he does he is often out of control. The problem is that I never knew when H would be fine and/or when he would decide to drink his face off. H was never violent, but he would be mean or embarrassing. I have had so many horrible experiences with H when he is drunk, that I would just avoid it at all costs. I would tell him to go out with his friends and stay at their place so that I did not have to see him drunk.
H and OW drank together a lot. My H has admitted that the OW has a drinking problem. They were out drinking with each other when they each got a DUI on separate occasions. They could be out of control together. They were enabling each other. I could not figure out how my h could get a DUI and actually increase his drinking after. One would assume that a "normal" person would learn their lesson after this experience. The thing is that my H is not "normal" when it comes to drinking.
I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me because I did not like to go out. And guess what, there is nothing wrong with me ... this is my H's problem. I had an absolute blast last week because the people I was with were able to control themselves while drinking.
I guess that I am really starting to think whether I actually want my H back in my life. Even if my H wanted to R, would I ever be able to go to Vegas/anywhere and have a blast without worrying if H would get out of control? Would he address his drinking problem?
I know that there are no answers to these questions, but I need to start thinking about whether I want my H and not just whether my H wants me. The one thing that I do know, is that I feel better about myself. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just trying to cope with a problem that was out of my control.
Isn't it great to have these kinds of realizations?
And sad that, until we challenge it in our heads and come to these realizations, we think something is wrong with us? Blech. That comes up for me quite often.
Did your H tell you things about you? (Things that he determined were negative, of course.) Mine did all the time, and if I disagreed with his perception, he would argue with me and try to prove that he was right.
Back to you. YES. You do need to decide whether you want your H back in your life. Well, I guess you don't need to decide, but it's good to think about - I think that removing our Hs from their (largely undeserved) pedestals will be a big help in detaching.
That trip was so good for you, 3. Look how much you have learned and how many steps forward you have taken in the past few weeks. Good for you.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Good for you 3!! The problem was out of your control. That is one of the first things you learn in alanon. I have been struggling with discovering who I became as a result of my H drinking and how different and better I am now that I have taken that out of the equation.
True you don't have to make a decision now whether you want H back but yeah for you to acknowledge it would be your choice.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
3b....of course other guys will pursue you. The truth though...and think about this one, do you want a guy pursuing you or a gentleman?
As you walk down your path 3b...You will evolve. Part of that evolving of course is reviewing your marriage prior to the current state of things. This was a difficult task for me as I looked at things through way to rosy glasses.
3B...You are really to the point of redefining your life path....Where do you want to go?
Did your H tell you things about you? (Things that he determined were negative, of course.) Mine did all the time, and if I disagreed with his perception, he would argue with me and try to prove that he was right.
M - Yes! My H did/does this all the time. It drives me crazy. During my last conversation with H before my trip, he made several comments about who I am as a person and none of them are true. H says that he does not know if he wants to be married to a person like that. I want to shake him and say that I am not that person. H says that he wants to be married to a person that wants to travel the world. He thinks that because I mentioned once that I did not care to go to a few select places (i think I mentioned india) that I don't want to travel. He forgets all of the other conversations that we have had about the millions of places we would love to go. It is beyond frustrating.
3b....of course other guys will pursue you. The truth though...and think about this one, do you want a guy pursuing you or a gentleman?
LFW - My H literally spent an entire year tearing down my self esteem. After six months, I am much more confidence and I have my self esteem back(for the most part). But I still wondered whether someone (who I found attractive and was age appropriate) would be interested in a mom of three little boys. It was nice to see that it is possible. However, I would only allow a gentleman to enter my life. As I mentioned in my post, I am so not ready for a R with someone else. I have three young boys who are my life. I would never allow someone to came into their lives that did not earn that honor.
Good for you, 3. And you know what just struck me? Your last sentence. That's the difference between us and our Hs right there. It occurred to me this morning that I spend hours on this site, reading books, joining groups, trying to make my life and my kids' life the best I possibly can in spite of the wreckage, while my H spends hours on match.com, trying to find someone to stroke his ego (with no obligations or expectations, of course). Pretty much the same for your H, except spending time doing his own thing or hanging out with OW.
Instead of worrying about what our Hs are doing, we should be proud of what we are doing.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
" I would never allow someone to came into their lives that did not earn that honor.".....Love it.
They love to tear us down....and it is tough, but we all survive. One of the best conversations I had with the X produced a great nugget for me to share. We were on an anniversary trip to the beach....and at the end of the trip she totally tore into me for like 3 hours (before the ride home none the less...oh joy LOL). The premise of the conversation was how/what/when/where/why and everything in between that she hated about me. It stung big time. Down the road we discussed this conversation and this is what I got "IT wasn't that I hated you, it was that I hated myself. That what I was doing, you would never do to me....and that I would never be as good a spouse as you".
Now that didn't lessen the sting of what was said.....but knowing that the spewed hatred was actually hatred of herself was very liberating.
It occurred to me this morning that I spend hours on this site, reading books, joining groups, trying to make my life and my kids' life the best I possibly can in spite of the wreckage, while my H spends hours on match.com, trying to find someone to stroke his ego (with no obligations or expectations, of course). Pretty much the same for your H, except spending time doing his own thing or hanging out with OW.
This made me think of a conversation that I recently had with H. H was saying that he did not know what to do. He said "it is not like they write books about this kind of stuff." He has said this several times before and I just ignored it. The last time he said it, I looked at him and said "H, thousands of people have in fact written books about what to do in this situation. In fact, there are people who went to college and graduate school who are trained to help people figure out what to do for themselves and their Ms in these situations." H looked at me, started to laugh and said "I guess you are right."
While it is hard, I am convinced that our lives will be so much richer than if we had not experienced BD. We have survived our biggest fears coming true and we are still moving, still laughing, and only silently cursing out our H every so often. We are not bitter. We continue to make this world better for our children and have truly earned all the love that they return. We make our kids days easier, not harder which cannot always be said of our Hs. We have so much to be proud of!!
