and what GM meant was not that you should have said it in hindsight, not that you should save it for some future talk, i think what she meant is that you should never say it.
if you want to work on yourself, then just do it. but dont ever talk about it. just do it and STFU.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
One thing that came about since my last women's support meeting was that exact fact! It is true that I have dodged responsibility for myself.... and I will tell you why. Over time, I began enabling h to make the decisions for me to avoid fights. Since then, it became habit and didn't realize I was doing it still. Even though you were all telling me... I still didn't understand/see it till recently.
It is part of my new goal:
"I value myself and take responsibility in my life so that I feel worthy and confident in myself and my decisions"
a few of my action steps to help with this are: -don't fear outcome *take risk, stand behind my decision -stop making my self worth conditional on other people -retrain my thoughts (to catch when I am doing this) and reassess before responding. -measure success daily (write down where/how I was able to prove this)
Things are changing.
What are your thoughts of h's responses to things of lately?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
OK GM... I'm trying to not over analyze.. just analyze a bit.... wondering what everyone else thinks here... my expectations are lowered and want to know what this niceness is all about.... meanwhile, I am enjoying the shift in him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Not only stop over analyzing, but all of the analyzing and mind reading. Can't you just accept the fact that he's being nice and pleasant? Can't you accept the fact that maybe, just maybe he's trying to be nice and pleasant because he's discovered that it works better for the both of you in the work place?
Learn to accept him for who is his today. There is most likely no ulterior motive for being nice. Let me ask you this...would you prefer him to ignore you or be angry and snippy all of the time? Be thankful that he's being a better person to work with.
As for his comments about you being hung over...he's not inquiring as to what you did or didn't do. You had told him that you were not feeling well, so he asked if it was because you were hung over...nothing more. No curiosity or jealousy there at all. Just a normal question about your health that anyone would have asked you.
How in the world are you getting anything done for work or in your private life? You have given me the impression that all you do is obsess about this man and you know what? He knows it and he also knows that you haven't changed a bit. Yes, you say you've changed, but every times he does something, whether it's good or bad, right down in the rabbit hole you go back to your old habits of mind reading and over analyzing.
It would be very nice to come here and see that you are doing things for yourself and not post one word about your SO for a change. It's time to put him aside and focus on YOU, YOUR life and what YOU are doing with YOUR life.
Obsessing about his every word or every move isn't going to change anything about him, trying to figure him out is useless and the more you try, the more you "think" you are seeing and hearing things that may or may not be what he's doing.
Leave the man be. Learn to like yourself and live your life for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job... did u not see the posts I made above regarding my recent discoveries of myself & the post about my goal valuing myself?
I think I have made GREAT progress and can see things clearer. I have put him aside and am focusing on ME and MY life....
I am not obsessing, just acknowledging his recent shift. Him asking about the hangover was a "different" response to who he has been prior to these past 2 weeks. He has expressed jealousy verbally and was outright admitting it. He has been consistently "trying" to be different for 2 weeks towards me, and that includes his desire to have R talks about truth and mentioned getting back together.... although, I see it as just that "talk". The actions have been "being nice, responsive, text/call more often, interested in my life, honesty, touch".
As mentioned, I am "enjoying the niceness"... where did I say I wasn't?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Yes, I saw your posts and I also have read each and every posting that you have written on the Board. You talk a good game, but whatever changes that you make are not permanent. One minute you say you are doing such and such and as soon as your SO does something, you are right back in the rabbit hole. You, and only you, can make those changes and make them consistent and permanent.
It's any wonder the posters get frustrated after posting to you time and time again. The same advice, and yes support, were given to you when you first came to the Board. The advice and support still stand. Stop analyzing, mind reading and watching his every move. Stop hanging on to his every word because many times, his responses are just responses w/no hidden agenda. Accept him for who he is today...a business partner, nothing more. Learn to look at him as you would a business associate and when you do this, you'll discover that he's talking to you just as he would anyone else and not a companion/sex partner. Learn to accept the fact that you are separated and what he does on his own time is his business, just as what you do is your business. If he wishes to share, then listen and if you want to share fine....but don't act like a spoiled child stomping her feet if he doesn't want to come over and play in your sandbox. If you want to go out, just do it, you don't have to tell him. Stop trying to control and/or manipulate situations and him, his thoughts and feelings. If we can see what you are doing, so can he.
Also, the advice you were given in the very first thread over on Newcomers was keep the focus on you. I don't see that very often here...it's all about HIM 99.9% of the time. That's not YOU.
No Magic, you've not made GREAT progress. You've made some progress. Your progress is only as good as the minute you start working on yourself. The minute he does or says something, you revert back to your old self. Actions speak louder then words.
I want you to take the time and sit down and think about what we ALL have been telling you. If we ALL have been telling you the same or very similar things, then we ALL can't be wrong.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
GRRRRRR!! I disagree.... I am a work in progress!!! Knowing where I was before and where I am today... I HAVE made GREAT progress!!!
It may seem like a lot of my posts are about him, because we work together (totally different than so many of the other posters on this board)... I am allowed to journal my thoughts here.
I am suggesting that I am noticing a shift in him... I say this because, he is no longer treating my like a subordinate and more like a partner that he is respecting. I like this! It may come across like I am controlling and manipulating, but NOT ANYMORE... I am accepting this now... why can't you believe me? He cannot see that I am doing "this", as "this" isn't displayed to him.... only a Happy easy going person that has lots to do, doesn't have time to linger at work, or on the phone... he said THIS!
I am not suggesting that you are ALL wrong. But, please give credit when credit is due.... if not, thats ok... I will give it to myself.
Thanks for all your advice, comments... I still appreciate and want them!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
post about the work you are doing on yourself. the goals you have and what you are struggling with. but there can be no mention of him or of getting him back.
can you do it?
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
We are reading and responding to what YOU post and if You are doing something different and it's not coming across in YOUR postings, then we can't read your mind. We base our responses on YOUR written word.
Maybe, as T2 has suggested, that you need to start proofreading your postings prior to hitting the send button. You might be thinking one way and yet, typing out your thoughts another way.
It's very evident that I'm not providing you w/the advice and support that you want to hear, therefore I'm going to step away from posting to you. I do wish you the best of luck.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel that this entire thread started off with being confused with his confusion... then I began to understand MANY things about ME that I was contributing to.... In just THIS thread alone I have acknowledged and accepted things about myself....Responsibility, self-injecting, manipulation and conrol, allowing myself to be participating in HIS confusion. Gaining respect for myself. My desire to be happy not 'right', letting go of the rope, letting go of my pitbull ways.... most importantly MOVING FORWARD with mediation (tx to Job).... all of this seems to be ignored and without kudos... but hey, thats OK... I can give it to myself.... I no longer need validation.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
