Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers still hopeful... no matter where life takes me

There is nothing I can do right (according to H) and it is really starting to get to me.

I really try to keep contact to a minimum but today I had to reach out. ..

One of the biggest things I have been working on for last few months is living in moment. Being more positive and not focusing on what if scenarios. So..today is an early school dismissal. I called and told h I had that covered but could we make plans because there is a good chance there will be no school or a late open tomorrow. H didn't want to talk about it and said he was sick of all my what ifs what ifs what ifs.

There is a difference between imaginary what ifs and making practical plans. Why can everyone else see the changes I have been making and not him.


Anyway I see a change in myself. Things I would have freaked out about a few months ago I can really look at now and see that it is not a big deal. And I am working on me for me anyway. ..not for him.

My H is the same way. He HATES that I am a planner. He complains about it. But there are some things that really actually need plans because I have a job too. I have found that as I stopped worrying about some things that were not a big deal, my H has stopped giving me a hard time about the other stuff. I also stopped going to him about logistics and then he eventually came to me and said that he wanted to be move involved. Is there anyone else that you can ask for help from? I am lucky because I have family around that I can ask for help when my H was acting like a jerk.

Julie-This is where I really feel for you. I can totally relate to the anger and insults, but I have a lot of friends/family close to me so I can take all the legitimate possibilities and have back up plans for kids.

I don't even have to run these things by H, therefore no need for him to condemn my responsibility as controlling.

Of course, I admit to a past of overthinking, micromanaging, etc. These traits haven't been present in months. Only H doesn't want to see that. He wants to see the 'bad' person that justifies his choices. (Cue family feud strike noise) Not happening.

I guess your choices are a) leave H out of planning b/c his mind is so gone right now that he can't have a grownup conversation or b) tolerate his comments and let them roll off your back (easier said than done) But even with plan b, it seems that there is never a solution.

You are a great person, Julie. I can see your growth and your patience and commitment to your family and M. I think it's awesome.

Again Julie, this is not you it's him.

Blues gave you some great insight on choices.

Are you still going to meetings?

Julie, I agree with the others . . . this is your H's issue. That said, I know it totally s.u.c.k.s to work to change something, and then have H continue to insist that you are just the same.

I guess you are just going to have to start planning things without your H . . . I'm not sure what else you can do if he refuses to talk about things.

It always seems to go back to the same mantra, doesn't it? Focus on you, focus on you.

Thanks guys. The funny thing is he called today to talk about WHAT IF school was closed again tomorrow. I really wanted to laugh but that wouldn't have been wise haha.

H has had a few good days. No drinking, much more attentive to s, taking care of puppy. He started working out again. He even scraped my car for me this morning.

I know these are all good things for him but it makes me even sadder because even when he is getting his act together he shows complete contempt for me. It hurts more coming fron a sober H than from a drunk one.

I have not found an alanon meeting that works with schedule but I went out other night with an alanon member who said she would work through program with me and go to some meetings with me when I can make it.

I have been weepy again for some reason. I think it has alot to do with stress re: s. I started crying when I saw he scraped the car. It has been so long since he has shown any kindness.

I went to doc and asked for a mild anti anxiety med. I hope that will help.

The big thing for me is to keep working on detaching. Just like all the negative things he does have nothing to do with me the positive things don't either.

That's such a great point that I've never thought about, Julie. I am working so hard to detach from negative, but I hold on to those positives b/c that's what we all want, right? I guess detachment really needs to be full circle.

I understand the weepy thing. Whenever someone does something kind in the past few months, I just lose it.

Yesterday I came home from work and D15 had cleaned the entire house and shoveled all the snow outside. To see her pitch in when our family is breaking down is so heartmelting.

I hope the meds help ease your anxiety. They are meant for times like this in our lives.

I'm glad your H has had little peeks of normal. Does the contempt ever go away? I have this sinking feeling that we could fast forward 50 years to the nursing home and I could overhear my H say "and it was all her fault".

Good for you!

Just because he's not drinking, doesn't mean he's sober.

Any tips on dealing with kids being taken around OW. And being led to about it. He still thinks s doesn't tell me everything. Not in a "tell on daddy" kind of way he just shares his activities with me and it is very different from what H said they did.

Really no point in talking to h about it as we know that will get me no where. I have to find a way to not feel like there is a knife in my gut every time I hear about s being around her.

Also made an eff

Also he claims he doesn't get any of my messages through vm text or email. I fInd that hard to believe as his phone is still sttached to his hip at all times. There are things such as s and finance I need to be able to communicate.