Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Back home, having a very hard time!!!

So how do you envision this ^^^ working for you ???

What end result are you looking for, to justify the means in which you seek it ???

I understand that you are looking for transparency here, and I do not blame you for that. That is part of the rebuilding of trust that HAS to happen slowly over the course of reconnecting.

Trust is the hardest thing to gain, and the easiest thing to lose, and it requires the "blind faith" of a Nun.

You trust, yet you verify. That is what will build that trust back. Not painting your face in Camo, and watching her every move, waiting to pounce on everything negative. That's just creepy there.



How many things above, have changed from the guy that first posted here, and was UN-bendable in having things go his way ?

Do you trust her ?

Should you trust her ?

Are you willing to trust her ??

Have you forgiven her ??

More importantly....have you forgiven yourself ???







Seems that this ^^^, is a step in trying to gain and rebuild your trust.

Six months ago, you would have walked through Hell with a pair of Gasoline Underoos on for this outcome...

Yes ??





Go or Stay

Stay or Go...

Which one are you working toward ???

Of course I want to trust her again, that is the only way we will ever get past this mess and move on. I know that in time I can trust her again and forgive her for this. There is no doubt that she is having a hard time right now. I understand that, but if she wants us to work she needs to end this.

I honestly am very close to forgiving me past actions completely. I know I have become a much better man and want to continue to grow. I want this to work more than anything, but my W needs to be on the same page in order for that to happen.

I also do appreciate my W telling me about the OM's W suspicions. She has lied to me but also been open when confronted. She knows I can tell when she is being dishonest. W says she lies to protect my feelings which I believe is the truth. I told her earlier that there is no scenario in which someone's feeling do not get hurt. W can only decide who's feelings those are.

I was only able to skim several of your posts in the archives, but this is what stood out to me.

Hmm.. I was looking back through your posts and found these (in no particular order):


After reading through your posts, I'm wondering, much like Mach, what is it you are working toward??? If you think she's confused, you should read your posts and how they seem all over the place. First your W is angry because you were flirting with somebody else, then she's confused and wants you to say you won't be angry if you two separate, then... it seems to cycle. You seem to take a great deal of abuse and confusion, and in the end... neither of you seem to want what you have nor the freedom of walking away.

Makes my head spin.

What is it that makes you trustworthy?
What makes her trustworthy?

Mach:
Mach:


See, I don't think you have forgiven yourself nor that you've forgiven her. You're waiting for each other to forgive first ("no, you go first. No no, you go first. No, ladies first...")

Mach's right - you would have dragged your soft bits across 6 feet of broken glass to get that reaction months ago. Now?

If I was in her shoes (besides wishing she had bigger feet) I would think YOU are confused and it would undermine my own trust in you. Never mind trying to get rid of a bad relationship I likely did to get back at you anyway. I don't want to feel stupid for letting him go (even if he is trash) if you're not seriously committed and we have a good chance.

I see a pattern of hurting each other for quite some time.

So I echo the question: What is it you are working toward? Punishment for her? Reconciliation? Punishment for you? Superiority? I can't really tell from your actions. (I know what you said. )

Figure that out before you take your next action, is my advice. Whatever you decide, do it 100% and stop lollygagging in either direction - it's killing you both.

Peace,

AJ

When I got home we had the talk about OM business. W is going to cut off contact completely with him. She is worried about how he will react and is uncertain on how to go about doing it. W just wants to block his number without giving any explanation. I told her blocking the number is a must,but I feel if she is nervous about how he will react she should tell him why.

My W wants to ignore any attempt he makes to contact her tonight and tomorrow then sit down with her BF after work and see how she feels it would best be handled. I told her that was fine, but I want it taken care of for good tomorrow. That I want to know what is going to happen and that the number is blocked. I explained my reason for wantint to be a part of it because this was what she told me was going to happen a few days ago.

The reason my W is worried about how OM will react is because his W recently found out he was talking to my W still and is extremely PO'ed. So basically it's looking like OM is not only being cut off by my W, but possibly his as well. That's not my problem, but W seems to think this could push OM to react in a bad way.

Just wanted to give a quick update. I will get on a computer in the morning, doing this on a phone kinda stinks.

Indigo,

I feel for your brother, because quite honestly something is amiss IMHO. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but it is there.

While I understand that the BF may be needed girl time, I am wondering. Why does your wife feel the need to consult the BF before acting on things? Maybe I am a guy and it is different, but I think she would iron out what needs to be done with you.

Be strong Indigo....address, In yourself, the points that Mach and AJM made, because they are there. You do need to identify your end goal and work towards it.

As for blocking the number....I feel you just go with your wife's thought and block it. There is no need of an explanation as all four of you know what is going on is not in anybody's best interest.

Indigo

I know how much this [censored]. I Agree 100% with Lost...something does not seem right. We can only see what you post so maybe we are missing some information and therefore we may be misreading the signs that we see.

Why though does your W need to speak to her BFF? This is between you, your w, OM and his W. Not her BFF.

Let me ask you a question.... if the roles were reversed and you cheated on your wife...she caught you... would you talk to the guys or would you try and square chit away with your W?

How would you show remorse?

Imo it is quite simple.... maybe your w should call his wife, call him and tell him to leave you guys alone.

At the end of the day ... you need to feel okay with whatever you decide.

Blocking the number will not ensure no contact.

Having said all of this... at the end of the day...the answers to the questions that mach and an wrote will answer the real questions...

What does Indigo want

And

Why does he want it?

What is indigo willing to do to achieve his goals...

The answers indigo are never wrong. They are your answers. They are....

For.... you.

God Bless
Eric

My W is a very nonconfrontational person and worries more about everyone else's feelings over her own. It eats her alive to know that someone is upset with her. As far as talking with BF, they are very close. This friend was here almost everyday while we were separated helping my W. I talk about all of this stuff to a close friend as well even if I don't take his advise. If I did take his advise I certainly wouldn't be with my W right now.

As far as what I want. I want to finally be in a great M. To be happy and really enjoy life with the two people that mean the most to me. I want this because I have spent enough of my life keeping my emotions hidden and not allowing myself to open up. I never let my W in emotionally like I should have, I'm ready to let it go now.

To get there I'm willing to forgive my W for this recent mess. I'm willing to let her earn my complete trust back again. I'm willing to open myself up to possible hurt if we cannot make things work in the long run. I know that if I do not give this M my all I will only be wasting my time.

Have to get to work be back later

Like Eric said...What gets done needs to be done with making you feel trust in the relationship just like your actions right now have to instill your wife's trust in the relationship. What ever that is, is up to the two of you.

"To get there I'm willing to forgive my W for this recent mess"- Forgiveness is for you brother, not her. To let go of the anger and resentment in your soul....energy being wasted on something you do not control. Then turning that wasted negative energy into positive growth.

"I'm willing to let her earn my complete trust back again." - I earn a paycheck, but I rebuild my soul. The mentality of "earning" is receiving something for work done. I don't know about you, but I don't want my spouse to be a worker. I want her to be my partner. Partners build things together...based on many different ideals and goals. Are you letting her earn her way back into the marriage or are you (as partners) trying to rebuild it better than before?

"I'm willing to open myself up to possible hurt if we cannot make things work in the long run"- While I haven't read your earlier posts....others have alluded to you also doing some non-marriage supporting acts. So your wife is also having to open herself up to some hurt if that is the case. Marriage is 100% in, 100% of the time, with 100% commitment by both people. Were you 100% in the marriage prior to this? How are you going to achieve being 100% in the marriage 100% of the time? How are you going to stay 100% for the long run? What is your plan for the future YOU want?

"I know that if I do not give this M my all I will only be wasting my time. "- How do you plan/have to change to achieve this goal? While I am not 100% up on your situation, what I have read is a lot of reactive action to your wife's actions. Little about the things you are doing to make yourself a better spouse. I have seen it 1,000's of times on here....People use the techniques to temporarily save their marriage, start piecing, and then go back to old behaviors....and eventually return here.

This is not a 2x4 Indigo, it is an outside perspective on your last paragraph. I fully expect you to be a bit ticked off actually, but I would like you to think about what I have said. How you perceive your world, is your reality.....Change your perception and you change the world.

Good stuff there Lost ^^^

And I hope that it doesn't get "lost"....

Indigo...

I have been reading you since Truegritter asked me to take a look at your sitch...

I have witnessed the same patterns over and over again. Your MO is to run away from the hardest parts of this, and you tend to run away from the really hard questions.

What you are dealing with now, is the fallout from months of that.

Right now, you are the Dog that finally caught the Car that he has been chasing, and hasn't a clue about what to do with it.

Every answer that you are seeking, has been posed to you throughout your threads....

And I see the same repeated behavior within you still.



What are you willing to give, to gain this ?

How have you prepared yourself, in order to gain this ?

How have you learned to GIVE this, in order to RECEIVE this ???





That's not a plan.

She isn't responsible for YOUR actions, thoughts or words. And I can tell you that if that is your plan ??

(If she does this, then I will forgive her)

You might as well end this right F-ing now.


What are you currently doing ( other than your pity party) to understand what SHE went through ??

To understand what "the end of an affair" really means ???

To understand that there WILL be contact through this. And that what you are looking for, isn't the fact that there is contact.

It is the fact that WHEN there IS contact, that she tells you about it, and she is NOT the one initiating contact.

What purpose would it serve, for her to contact the OM, in order to tell him that three will be no more contact ???

Seems like a redundant, can of worms there....

And only more words. The ACTIONS lie in what she chooses to do with that contact....


You have been asked some pretty good questions over the past few days. You may be answering them, you may not...

The PERCEPTION here, among the people who will understand you the most, has been that you are brushing them off, and ignoring them.

So...

Once again I ask...

What is your plan, and how are YOU working toward that ???

Not her

Not the OM (or his wife)

Not your neighbor's Dog...

YOU ???

I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't know how to answer these questions the way you guys want me to. My plan is to be the kind of man I want to be. I live the part every day now. I compliment my W, I hug and kiss her often, I get her coffee in the morning, I help with the dishes, we compete in Jeopardy every night, we actually talk about how our day went. I'm doing all the things that I never used to do and enjoy doing them because they make me happy. I'm not just doing them because its what my W has wanted all along.