Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers separted six weeks still on the journey - II

Good job, Paul. Stick to your plan. Have a positive attitude and do not follow your wife around. Let them be and give her space. This is good for the kids, but may be hard on you since she's coming over but it won't be the same.

Blues, I'm going out. I told W I will not be in house after 530. I did not give specifics. I only said I had plans for the evening. I told her I had popcorn and snacks for the kids to enjoy.

About her character, would you say she is an honest person? A hard working person? A considerate person? Was she a good parent (whatever that means)? Did she have strength of character? Is her unwillingness to cooperate about the kids just a view of who she really is.

During out Sep, I needed some boundaries with H, simple things like, let me know if you are coming to my house to take things out of the garage, please don't have our sons be delivery boys for you by bringing your stuff to you, let me know when you are coming to the house, don't just drop in. He agreed to them. If he hadn't, that would have told me a lot.

There is no way you can get her to do what she is unwilling or unable to do. Did she ignore your boundaries/needs during the M?

Hi Bug, the last question you ask, I would have to say Yes to. Often when I spoke to W about things we could not afford to do, she'd go out and buy them anyway. She'd tell me she was going to "look at something" but then she'd buy it without us talking. She did that with a Horse. She just wrote a check from a CC b/c we didn't have enough money in the checking account to cover it. then she lied and told me she was just keeping the horse to review and hadn't bought it. Not a small price BTW.

our M had been a bit of a power struggle, as I see it now. I'm not willing to do that anymore.

journal: I was working at the church this morning and ended up bumping into one of W's teachers who came in early. She said so sorry to hear about you and W. I said, its ok. I'm just trying to work on staying healthy and taking care of my kids. That's what's best right now. I said, these things work out on way or another I guess.

She said, we'll you have to work at it. I told her, I can only work on me and that's what I am doing each day.

She told me I looked healthy and happy and I thanked her and left.

Good attitude Paul. I can tell you're becoming stronger. You're beginning to see what you want in life, too. I like the stronger you. You seem more confident.

Update on movie night. W came over after I left. I got thebkids dinner before I went out. D13 asked if I'd. Be back to see movies. I said no. That was for mom and you guys. I'd. Stay out until later to let you enjoy.

W proceeded to take a shower, dress in PJ s and make a bed on couch. D13 and D16 asked what she was doing. W looked puzzled and hurt that they seemed uncomfortable. When I arrived home at 10. No one was with W. All kids were in there rooms and W was sleeping on couch.

D 16 called me into her roomto tellme all this...asked me to please explain to W that they just got used to her being gone and making a home with me and that this upset them. They were thinking W wanted to come home. I told her no.

W DID NOT TELL ME SHE WAS DOING THIS. UGH. BOUNDARIES!

It's great your D16 is aware enough and feels safe enough to tell you those things. Can you give her the tools and support to help her share her feelings with W?

Boundaries, your W has none. It's your job to protect you.

There's a book by Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries that you might find helpful. Their website also has some video advice on R stuff.

thanks Bug! W's actions are helping me make up my mind about what I think I want. We'll see. All three of my kids were not confortable.

W got up this morning, said nothing to me, took half the coffee in the pot and left without saying a word. She wasn't supposed to be there anyway.

Like you said before, some of the things I'm seeing now, are also indicative of how she'll be as a partner.

We'll see....Laying low about it today.

Hi Paul, I just wanted to stop in and see how you are doing. I'm sorry that your W made the evening hard on your kids. She is obviously pretty self absorbed right now, and not thinking about how her actions are affecting the rest of the family. Your kids are lucky to have one parent who has it together - so good for you. I know it is harder than it sounds to be dealing with this crap yourself, and to be strong for your kids on top of it.

I feel sorry for your W . . . not only is she missing out on this time with her kids (and when there aren't too many years left with them in the house, to boot), but she is really hurting her relationship with them. That s.u.c.k.s. for everyone.

I know you said your M was not great for a long while before BD, but what was her relationship with the kids like? Was she pulling away from them as well, or is this new?