Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Getting my assets off of the park bench

Interesting.

((( ))) because I know it was difficult for you but very self-affirming, which is really the important thing for you.

None of us knows what the future holds.

A very wise man once said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Living in the now -living out today - is good advice.

-PM

Hey Kate, I know that was a really big decision for you. And you are right, we all get there when we do - in our own time, in our own way.

There is a certain feeling, isnt there, when you make a decision like this? While there is an element of sadness, there is also a resounding sense of peace.

No one knows what the future holds - and it may hold you and him.

In the meantime, you have shown him and yourself the ultimate act of love. The allowing of you both to walk your journey with the hope that whatever the outcome, you will be ok.

I am happy for you, Kate, that you feel at peace. And hoping so much that your future holds whatever you wish.

You are a special lady.

Hi darlin'! Thinking of you! Have a wonderful day and may you come home to find diamonds growing on a tree in your back yard!

If that happens. Find me. I'll need directions.

Snort!! I'll find ya RT!! No worries there

Saw IC/MC last night-she wanted to see us separately before we moved on together. Brought her up to date on my sitch and gave her a 101 of our time together over the past 20 years.

I said that I hoped H would see her anyway and outlined his week of freaking out. She commented that I was very aware of all my feelings etc. I didn't say that it was because of this board that I was able to grow in this direction, but it certainly would not have happened otherwise.

Little bit of a text from H last night, just discussing the weekend and kids. Again, he apologized for hurting me and said that I had no idea what it does to him when he hurts me like this.

I actually had to come clean and let him know that while I was sad, the overriding feeling was peace, because I had seen this coming. I just assumed he was further down his path than he was.

He went on to mention he had to do this now, figure out who he was etc. I just validated his feelings and explained (when he apologized again) that his feelings and emotions, or lack thereof are just as valid as mine.

I declined to switch off residences once a week anymore. Personally, I have no desire to know anything about his life anymore.

My IC said it sounded as if I wasn't sure about H. I explained that I loved the man, wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but let him go with the full knowledge that that may not be.

She said "Now that? That's love."

Personally it is love, but self preservation too, you know? I really have no fingers left to be burned lol.

RT? ON your thread I see about the lying and that is what precipitated this split. I thought that if he lied about something as trivial as he did, the big stuff would never see the light of day...no way to live my life.

But I like that you guys fought and the world is still turning...who knew

He loves you. W has said this type of stuff before. Tons of guilt from them. I think these are the driving force feelings for them to seek out their own purpose and "repair" themselves to feel whole. Not only his self-preservation... but his love for you.


I agree. I don't intend at all to keep accepting such behavior. But I don't have expectations of perfection either... as early in the homecoming as we are. For now...(love that phrase!) the "good" or better yet, the progress is outweighing the "bad" or the set backs.

I'm feeling good about your decision though. I think it will help progress both you and H into the healthiest direction. (and ultimately back together.... )

Ya know Bestie,

I'm married to an addict. Lying is just a part of their make up. There's an expression in A.A., if their lips are moving, they're lying. I've found this expression also serves for MLC spouse and teenagers.

Anyway, I'm not saying you should accept it and I think it's awesome and brave of you to set him free to find his way... But, maybe this is a chance for you to clarify YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS.

I learned a long time ago to love the core of the person not the surface behavior--mainlu because the surface behavior usually stunk. Throughout our marriage, I've clung to an expression someone once told me..."You knew the job was dangerous when you took it."

If you decide this man is truly who you want in your life, then, you may need to incorporate such a mantra in your own life. It puts the responsibility for your choice to have this person in your life (someone who has let you down before) squarely on your own shoulders.

Not to say he shouldn't earn your trust and be a good guy. But, in my world--with an alcoholic mom and addict husband, lying sorta comes with the territory. Even my mom who has been sober for nearly 40 years in A.A.--well, part of her person, part of what I love about her in fact, is the reality that she embellishes the truth. A LOT.

You could ask her what the weather is and there's every possibility she will lie about it. Not because she is a mean or nasty person, but, for some weird-a$$ reason that even she doesn't really understand... maybe she worries a lot about saying something that will pi$$ people off? and maybe she???? whatever...her issues.

My point is...sometimes loving "dangerous" people means accepting certain qualities about them that may not be politically correct, but the bottom line is...what can we live with and what can not tolerate???

And, what is about us and what is, ultimately, about them??? I'm a strong enough person that I can handle a lie about the weather. I also, apparently, can handle a lie about being faithful...if I CHOOSE to take that dangerous job again, well, that's completely on me and either way--I can't blame him.

So, when they say that they don’t want to hurt you, does it mean they love you? My H said it to our friends last year.

Ruby, you are way ahead of me in terms of love. I’m still straggling with the feelings of revenge for H. I don’t know if I can love him like that to let him go completely and wish him all the happiness. I have the moments when I feel that I truly wish H to be happy. And then I catch myself thinking that it is not going to happen for him because he lost the best thing he could even have.

Heather, you have a wonderful insight, as always. I had a dream last night, with H in it, again… I brought up an old feeling of being uncomfortable and jealous because if H’s certain behavior. So, I woke up with the thought that I don’t want H then way he is. I guess, I’m not ready to accept certain things, or maybe I need more work to do on myself.

Sorry BF, I have no answers. Not sure if it's love or a version where he is scared to be alone....

Which brings me to my point. As you know, I went dark...dark dark last week. H didn't contact me except about our switching places arrangement and, only contacted kids to ask about activities.

I emailed Friday about finances, stating my goals when I graduated and that it would be impossible for me to keep this house. Very polite and calm, just saying that the email was simply to give him plenty of notice on how we could proceed in terms of our financial situation- so we could talk calmly and rationally (the finances...always a toughie!!)

Upshot is Sunday he made an excuse to drop by. Told me he made an appointment with IC and would like to move forward with MC afterwards. Also said I would never have to worry about leaving this house if I didn't want to.

I simply said that we would wait until he saw the IC and see what she had to say before we went to MC again.

He also asked me out....he knows that was one of my "complaints"

I know he is trying, but why don't I care? ( That's rhetorical btw)

He didn't fix himself in a week, all he did was get scared, by my reckoning.

Heather, thanks for the valuable things to think about Lying is a no go for me, can't do it. The last little bit of control freak I guess. If I know it is the truth, I am good. If I suspect a lie, I have to find the truth, even if it is the truth, which it may not be, because you've, oh I don't know...LIED before!!! Ugly but true

Ruby - I am curious.

How did you respond to his date request?