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Came back home and she was up and getting ready to go eat with BFF. That's positive. Negative is that she was still crying. She almost completely lost it when she looked at me. I couldn't help myself. I went to hug her and told her to just let me do it. I know she didn't want that, but I wanted it and couldn't let her suffer any longer in front of me. I didn't say anything, just held her for a minute and went in about my business.

I am afraid for her. I think she may be reaching a breaking point. She cannot escape anymore. I won't go away. I won't allow her to provoke me. I am still here and taking care of things. I seem happy to her. I am handling the boys and the house. Her behavior today scares me. I have seen tears exactly one time since BD before today. She needs help. She needs compassionate, intelligent, understanding people like the ones I have found here to help her understand what is happening.

I wish DB community could fix everyone the way it is fixing me.

The DB community is not fixing you, J. You are fixing you. We're just here to walk the journey with you for a while and offer a listening ear and share some of the things we've learned. But it's all you, brother.

As for your W? I know how hard it is to watch. It's excruciating to see her in pain.

It's also important that she hit that bottom. Once at bottom, she will have two choices: 1) stay that way or 2) make changes. It is imperative that she hit a real bottom though. I doubt she's really there yet.

Bottom drives a person to make choices. What she chooses is anyone's guess though. She doesn't know. You don't know. Time will tell.

Be on your guard. You are going to be vulnerable to her attacks and crazy thinking because you are feeling the pain of watching her go through this. Do not give in to whatever whim she comes home with nor to the attacks. It's important, especially now that you continue to be the consistent you that you are.

It's not impossible that she'll come home in the next few days and say she wants to try. That's what you want to hear, but be careful that it's not just about her. Be careful that the actions and words align. I heard similar, but later found out it wasn't truth. My C even asked me why I let her back. I didn't see it at the time, but I do now: she was still being very selfish and had an agenda/plan. That's why she told me what I wanted to hear and why she came back. Not to make things work. I later found she was still talking to the OM while telling me she loved me, wanted it to work, etc. The telltale was that there was no substance to the words.

Be careful and cautious in the near future especially J. She's not done with her trip. Climbing out of that hole will have fits and starts to it. Keep doing what you're doing and focusing on what you're focusing on.

My $0.02,

AJ

Thanks for the 2 cents AJ. I know she's not at bottom yet. She still escaped today to go with BFF. It's closer, though. Thanks for reminding me to keep my guard up. Consistent actions. I've heard that enough now that maybe it will sink in. She's got a long way to go towards coming back. This may be her facing one of her demons today. Who knows?

Don't give me too much credit by the way. After I came home and saw her that way, I found myself on my knees in the laundry room praying for her safety and security. I pray for strength every day. I have prayed beside her sleeping body many times now at night. Not for reconciliation, but for her own strength to navigate the waters. I don't have answers, but maybe He can help.

What AJ said ^^^^, J.

I have seen quite a few starts, stops, backslides with W along this journey...oh, and seen quite a few of my own

Just keep doing what you are doing, stay consistent as much as possible. Several times W would come back to the rock for a rest, only to fling herself back out into the stormy waters to face another demon or two...

I think you did just fine with the hug and holding her, you did express YOUR want/need. And then you did the perfect thing...just went back to doing your own business.

Hang in there, the ride will get more "interesting" I reckon...

Hey J, I know you hate seeing your W like this, it has to be painful to watch. My comment is that from a person's view who has been like this and treated my H badly too during this time, I would have given anything if he had hugged me like that even when I didn't want him too and I felt awful. Him showing his support when I was so awful and down about myself would have felt amazing to know someone supported me even in my darkest times. I would have known that he supported me no matter what. That's how I would have felt, and I can't say the same for her, but I though I would let you know that. I thought it was a good thing.

Knowing you can't do anything for her is the step towards letting her find her way and healing herself. Hugs to ya.

And you DO need to take credit, man...imo, the majority of guys aren't strong enough to stand, work on themselves, put up with their W's antics for very long...their egos get in the way.

Know what I mean? Take credit...now.

As you were...

lol

J, if you weren't on your knees several times a day and recognizing that you don't have the answers, this would be a very different conversation, don't you think?

You don't get all the credit, but you are doing the work and doing it well. I'm not trying to build your ego - I'm trying to encourage you to continue. With all of it and maybe some more praying...

AJ

Pud-I hope she felt that I just supported her and wanted her to know it. No pressure or anything involved. She was curled up with her hands across her chest when I held her. Literally, cannot open up.

T2-I checked my ego a while back. I try not to allow myself to feel superior to anyone at any time. It was one of W's complaints and one of my weeds to dig. But thanks for the support.

AJ-I have found strength in a lot of places. I never knew how strong a man could feel by putting himself on his knees. I am working so hard to become a man I can be proud of. If I can be proud of me and love me, I know my sons will as well. And maybe, just maybe a woman will one day too.

Current update: I've been busying myself all afternoon putting away Christmas decorations and cleaning up the house in the aftermath. Played some video games with S12 and won. Cleaning up the kitchen at this point while steaks are marinating. I'll be going out to grill in a few.

Just wanted to throw out a "You can do it" buddy. But the work NEVER ends, and neither do the changes.

Your getting some of the best advice you possibly can. I've read all their stories. Incredible.

You sound like your in a good place, work it baby work it.

J,

First, You are the one doing the work, we are only the lights along the path. Keep up the work and your head held high.

As for the hug....It made you feel better, so showing a little compassion isn't the worst thing.

I don't feel your wife is anywhere near the bottom....sorry bud. Be wary of the bait and run sequence. My wife pulled it many times, telling me what I wanted to hear. Actions in the end always speak louder than words.