Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis bent not broken

WBW,
It wouldn't have mattered if you had devoted all of your attention to your h and his needs because he would still have had a crisis. You are not the problem...it's his to figure out.

He could have been single, a monk/priest/minister or married to someone else and he still would have had a crisis. His crisis has deep roots from his childhood and until he resolves those issues, he wouldn't be able to move ahead as a mature adult.

You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix. The would ofs, could ofs, what ifs, would not have mattered because it's all about him and his demons.

You can still pay better attention and listen better. These are things that you can continue to work on regardless of whether he's a nutty buddy or not.

had to laugh job, thank you! He is a nutty buddy!
worried about s17. impossible to not worry about a child.

s17 raced in his sport yesterday. I think he was really expecting to come in 1 or 2.

he ended up 4th and got beat by 2 freshmen from his own team. the coach was stacking the races so the overall team would win as opposed to the individual event. the 2 freshmen would have lost had they competed in their own division.
still numbers are numbers and s17 felt greatly disappointed.

he internalizes everything. h is never around to talk with him. I just feel like he is so on his own. s17 doesn't want to talk with me. he gets mad when I say anything to him be it about school or his sport.

I hate this sit for s17. I think boys need their fathers more than going to dinner once a week. I can't be his father.

my father died when I was 6. I grew up without a dad. I know what that is like, and btw, my brothers are now great fathers- both have 5 kids both have 4 boys and 1 girl!

but my sons have a living dad who doesn't want to be engaged with his children. Such an awful shame. I pray for h. I pray for my children.

Wow Willbewell: I just love you. You too, LoisB. My husband also internalized things. I also think I needed to pay better attention to husband's needs. You are doing a great job. I also think I was a pretty neat person before bomb drop. I was just too reactive and ready to place blame on husband when I was overwhelmed as mother, worker,and wife - and put that last one last in priority. But you know what - we will be even better, you and I. We are still learning. That is why we are still here. Nothing to beat yourself up about.

...and sorry to read it is so hard on s17 (sorry for misreading he was the one internalizing) - but you know, you did not choose this for him - you are being a great mom. You can only own your own stuff.

well, I let the annoyance get the better of me. I sent a text to h.
of course not smart on my part. I said he didn't just leave me , he has left s17 too. h texts d everyday. h rarely texts s17.

H admits he has " lost my family"

to me, same story- all about him. I would like to say
h, What about what your children have lost???

He doesn't want to hear it. I know.

Ive got afternoon classes tomorrow so plan to go buy d her own phone. I will tell h, I no longer want to be the go between.
he will be out of town the rest of week.

Willbwell, how are you doing? Did you get a phone for your daughter?

Putting blame on H for living your son is not going to do you any good. Yes, this is hard and your son probably suffers more than you know. Maybe you need to just tell H that your son needs his father regardless of what happens between you two, and maybe ask H to make an effort to be there for your son.

have been feeling overwhelmed by workload. I need to be studying. I am so distracted right now....

d15 is sick. sore throat, high fever last night. she threw up. She has not thrown up since she was a 9 months old baby. Had a surgical procedure when she was a baby because she threw up everything(severe reflux) and couldn't gain weight. it has now come undone. I guess time will tell...

need to get my head on straight~! Wish I could get under covers and read. too much to do
s17 school is closed today due to weather.
come on spring!!!

Willbwell: Hope your daughter feels better quickly! I always felt cleaning up vomit is the worst part of parenthood! And it is such a worry when the kids are sick - so it is doubly hard when you don't have the spouse to support you with it. And together with the snow school closures, it is hard. We love you. You are doing it! Holding it all together for your kids and it is a lot! and school! And you are doing it all yourself! Look at you go!

been thinking a lot about my being judgemental. and it is not just of h. how did I get to be so this way?
in situations I can feel my blood pressure rising...
want to learn to be more diplomatic.
to be able to react with thought and not emotion

d had been sick. h out of town all week. he knows d is sick .he knows we were at dr yesterday.
he comes over at 500 pm and sees d a total of 30 min.
yes. I am mad.
yes. I want to say to h that it is not right.
I was trying to find a post by 25. it was on Melissa's thread.
I shouldn't have to convince h to be enamored by his children.
h says he doesn't feel "as comfortable as should be"
well, that is his own doing.
Get out the 2x4 Gabby's mom, I know its coming... all about h
h