Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers maybe a bit off the edge?

Don't email any response to what she asked. As I've said, both of you need time apart. If she chooses to continue seeing OM, you can make final decisions later. I don't see how you could make rational decisions about the M at this time b/c of all the emotions you're experiencing.

When you back away from her, you are separating yourself from the drama around her. For a few days, I think it would help you to let all her calls go to VM. Ignore the TM & emails if possible, but even if you read them......don't respons for a couple of days. If you just have to say something at some point, tell her you need space and time (which you really do). She should understand that statement, right?

Look, she didn't let a little thing like wedding vows keep her from having an A (I'm being sarcastic), so why would she be in a hurry for a D? Unless of course, it's b/c the OM is sticking to what he told her about not coming around him until she has a D. She sees he isn't going to play her game and dangle along, so that could press the urgency for D papers, IDK. But the point is what she says today will change tomorrow.

You don't have to give her any answers right now. If she pushes for a meetup to talk, don't agree. End the call and firmly tell her you do not want to see her or talk to her.........and until you do, if ever, leave you along.

This may sound immature to some, but she needs to hear that you don't want to be around her, and you really need space from her. Remember, a WAW has to suffer some type of loss before she begins to come out of the fog. Is she going to believe she has lost the OM first........or is going to believe she's lost you first? You see how she went after him when he appeared to fed up with her. In her WAW state of mind, I believe she will want the first one who she thinks she has "lost" due to him no longer wanting her. Please pay close attention to those last few words.

It's no longer about being less available to her. That has past. The only thing left, IMO, that will have any impact whatsoever, is for you to go completely dark on her. But from what I've heard, it takes b@lls to do it. And you can't do it as some type of tactic to force her back, but rather as the last resort you have left. Drop the rope, dingo, and just let it alone. Focus on you and being happy without her.

They may get thicker for a while, and she may file for D. There is no guarantee she won't, but what else can you do? When it gets to this point, most of your options have been closed.

You can step back from her and contact a DB counselor for advice. Have you talked to one since all this began?

I spoke with one a couple of times over the summer. At the time she was still living in the house and things were so chaotic and raw that i had a very hard time following the advice. I have two sessions left. As recently as two weeks ago, she expressed interest in speaking with one of them so I had been reserving those two sessions for her. Maybe it's time to give up on that....

I have done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days. You mentioned in an earlier post that my biggest hang up has been pursuit but I don't think that's true. My biggest hang up has been the OM and the A.

Early on, people encouraged me to think about who I am and what I can live with and what I can live without. At the time, things were so new to me that i couldn't imagine life without my wife. That I could never find someone else, etc. So I made the decision that I could live with anything as long as she came back. I don't know if that is the case anymore.

I don't know of I want to wait for months for her to come out of a fog only to have months/years of counseling before we are whole again. I don't see how I can really trust her without a long long time of close to perfect behavior from her. I don't know if I have ever seen her buckle down and do something because it's right or best in the long run - she has virtually always done what was easy at the time. I don't know I want a woman with these characteristics to be the mother of my children.

Before you all jump on me, yes I had major flaws too. I have looked hard at myself with a whole lot of scrutiny in an attempt to identify and work on those flaws. She hasn't shown me anything to indicate that she has done the same. Not once has she admitted to a definable thing that she did wrong in the marriage - she just says things like 'I made mistakes too' but nothing more specific.

I could be saying this out of emotion but with the length that this affair has gone on, the real steps that she has taken to resolve this situation (none), the things shes said about me/the marriage vs the OM/affair and the enormous length of time and effort it will take to straighten all of this out, I am not 100% convinced that I want to stand any longer.

Dingo, I know it can be downright excruciating to stand and if not that you waffle between I really on't like this woman at all so i'm out... We range the gamut of emotions. For me I got to a point were I started to look back at everything maybe like a WAW would and I started to totally rewrite events of our M together to where I found myself becoming the 'WAS' at least in my mind and behavior. You can't look to her for anything right now, no admissions or anything close. Truth be told once you got it, it probably wouldn't make you feel better anyhow. If she leaves will you make it? ABSOLUTELY, you're strong and you have stood this long... However; don't give up Dingo. Mentally, and Spiritually pray for her and let God guide her back to you. Pray that he would sever any ties that don't bring glory to your M. Pray! It changed my life and as a by product my M. Let her go, not out of anger but because you're too good for the nonsense. You deserve the best, and she can't waffle no longer. She will come around when you "REMOVE" yourself from the "competition". Vince Lombardi has a saying "You learn more about character on the 2 yardline than any other place in life" Either you have to stop the other team or you have to score. Either way you have to dig deep.


Don't give up your stand... Give up your need to have it 'fixed' now. God does everything in his timing...

Your response is the reason you need to stay away from her. It is for your sake. You don't have to make a decision in a few days time. Whatever you decide will effect the rest of your life.

I don't think anyone here is going to jump you for having second thoughts about staying with her. I just wanted you to step back where your head was clear enough to make any decisions.....period. Take your time doing it.

If you don't want to invest the time, and you doubt she will put enough work into it.........those two points are pretty heavy. B/c it does take a lot of work and it almost always takes longer than the WAH thought it would.

Yep, nothing need be decided right now. There's a lot of emotion in your post.

I can only speak for me but I don't think anyone is saying you must stand. Just give it a week and see how you feel, and then another week if you need it.

You may find that you don't want to be married to her and that's OK but you have to make that decision because it's the right thing for you, not because you're hurt and angry.

I heard/read somewhere that D should be a choice not a reaction.

I heard/read somewhere that D should be a choice not a reaction.

beautiful... nothing to ad to what labug and dingo are telling you, they are giving you the key to all this..

The only thing I will say

"Early on, people encouraged me to think about who I am and what I can live with and what I can live without. At the time, things were so new to me that i couldn't imagine life without my wife. That I could never find someone else, etc. So I made the decision that I could live with anything as long as she came back. I don't know if that is the case anymore.

I don't know of I want to wait for months for her to come out of a fog only to have months/years of counseling before we are whole again. I don't see how I can really trust her without a long long time of close to perfect behavior from her. I don't know if I have ever seen her buckle down and do something because it's right or best in the long run - she has virtually always done what was easy at the time. I don't know I want a woman with these characteristics to be the mother of my children"


You are being impatient and not trusting, its time for you to trust that whatever happens it will be the best for you, basically this way of thinking is due to a need to fix this situation right now... and you know what?? you don't need to
you just need to enjoy this "vacation time" she gave you, not thinking about D papers or any other things, but to really enjoy right now without feeling guilty about it, she is enjoying and you have to enjoy as well, you both only will be able to talk properly one day after both of you enjoy this time by yourselves.

If she is being miserable you could not talk to her in the future...you know why? because it will show that her feelings are not stable, and you don't want that, whatever is the end you both need to use this time HOWEVER you want to use it.

As long as you don't refuge yourself in drugs or alcohol you will be absolutely fine, and trust me in some time you will see things differently. You can stay at home and avoid all contact with other humans because you are not happy that she left you, but what you are saying to the world and to yourself by doing that is: Hello everybody, my name is miserable, I hate myself, I never really liked the way I am, that's why I was acting up with all of you when I seem happy, the true is that I never accepted me, and I tough I could change the world because I felt in love, but I didn't felt in love because I tought I deserve it, but because I was desperate...

take those roots to change how you see yourself and how you accept yourself and then and only then, you will have recovered the most important relationship that you ever had.....


THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.
we like you and respect you that's why we post here, pay us back bro and respect yourself a little more today, because you are not responsible for the mistakes other do, but for your own mistakes

Thanks for the responses guys. I know nothing needs to be decided now.

More thinking during my workout this morning and I think I am going back on the wagon for a little bit. The last statement from my wife on the status of our relationship was that we were 'stepping back' (from divorce) for now. Prior to that, it had been divorce - no ifs, ands, buts. So its a small step back in the right direction.

The sentiments of my last post are accurate. I have started to become more comfortable by myself and without talking to her every day. While I still miss her, I have started to largely fill my time with other activities so its not always so poignant. Weekends can still be tough, as are mornings, but most of the time, I tend to be doing a lot better. Its not so painful to not have her around anymore and in fact, I am enjoying my freedom at times too.

As in my last post, I am also really starting to know that if not her, there will be someone else out there for me and as long as I learn my lessons from this situation, my next relationship will be much better - no matter who its with.

Where this is going, in very longwinded fashion, is that I think that I am in a position to really give her the space that she needs. I have not been able to do this as of yet. We've had pretty regular contact and during most of it, I have not done a good job of not pressuring/rationalizing, etc. I think I might be getting to a spot where I can really live my life and let her figure her own things out.

OM will still be a tough issue that I haven't quite figured out just yet. I still haven't see his car at her place though so maybe that's working in my favor as well. I think that if this situation was really about the OM being better for her, she would be gone already. She has said as much as well - that shes not convinced he's really better for her than I am.

I really grasp how my reactions (pressuring, pleading) to her flip flopping and lack of commitment have caused her to counter-react (run to OM, ask for space, talk about D) and the cycle just continues to spiral down.

It's strange but it seems like you really have to get to a place where you are able to separate your emotions and really SEE the other person's perspective on just what you are doing to them before you can truly understand.

So that being said - I am willing to continue to do nothing on the relationship end for now and see what happens if I really start to DB instead of going through the motions.

This is what I was calling pursuit. B/c it is all emotional pressure in her POV.

I really believe you can step away from the drama, dingo. But I think what you are going to find very difficult will be to end the snooping/spying. It has an addictive power and once you get off into it.....it's hard to cut it off.

One step at a time.

The snooping and spying comes from the fact that I can't separate the OM from this. Its also the snooping and spying that gets me into trouble because no matter what I find, it eventually ends with me breaking NC. If I see the OM's car, I get angry and respond with threats or pressure. If I don't see the OM's car for a while, I think its ok to approach her and that ends up being pressuring too.

I see people say ignore the OM and let the affair fizzle but I haven't been able to do that yet. I honestly feel like I could very easily give her space if the OM wasn't in the picture. Of course, the things she says make me believe that the affair will never fizzle and that they are just perfect for each other - script I know but its hard to ignore.

So my mission for this week is no drive bys.

That is a great goal. Get through today. Take an alternative route, find something to keep you busy during the times you would usually drive by her house.

When I was going through my withdrawal stage, I would stay on the board every night until I was so tired I would fall into bed and pass out. But it worked for me.