Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers separted six weeks still on the journey - II

one other observation or question. as my D13 is starting to spent less time with W and she was the last kid that was doing that as much, would I possibly see some backlash from W about that?

Been there Paul. It look four months for my H to look at/smile at me. If I even moved too quickly in his general vicinity he would jump like he thought I was going to punch him. It was ridiculous. If they were nice to you and dropped their image of you being the villain then they would not be able to justify leaving their family. Keep the smile on your face and waive anyway because that is who you are. Dont let you W change that.

Your W decided to leave. Your W may be angry about her time with D13 but you can't control it. Do you have a visitation schedule? If you don't I recommend setting one up. Before we had one, h would come and go as he pleased and would not really engage. It was not until he had set dates that he really started to act like a dad again. It helped bring him out of the fog a bit.

Hi 3, talked to her bout a schedule and she balked. We'll bring it up again some time if she ever talks to me. I'm not feeling so bad about this tonight. maybe its the cough meds LOL

update - Contact: so, after me not reaching out to W for a few days she texted me this morning. It was just kids and house stuff, but it was contact.

She was asking to come stay at the house while I take our S to the Niagara falls Tournament. I was just going to have my D16 do it. W insisted to stay at the house. Its still her house too so, I just went with it.

She also asked about what night would be good for her to come and be with the kids at the house to watch shows or a movie. I told her the pen nights and the schedule and asked her to make some suggestions.

I tried not to read into the fact that she contacted. I remained cordial, pleasant and business like...But not eager.....

I'm glad she's going to spend more time with her kids.

I was going to post to you a couple of days ago, about your D having to contact you for a ride when Mom bailed.

I don't know why your W couldn't do it, it was probably a good reason.

If you had an agreement with, let's say, the parent of one of your D's friends to share driving the girls to work and the other parent couldn't do it, would you expect the parent to call and make the arrangement?

I would. Your D shouldn't be in the middle of this, she didn't make the arrangements. This is a boundary I would address with W. I know you can't control her actions but you can let her know your needs. "W, if you're unable to take D to school, please call me to make other arrangements. This is our responsibility, not D's."

driving the girls to school

Hello paul how are you doing?

Well this is what I can see of the way that you do contact:
Hi honey I still love you and you can keep controlling me no matter what because even if I am a little stronger I still love you and will take all your defects of character even if they don't let us have a healthy R.

And if I can see that, she can see that...She has to contact you because you have 3 kids ok?
So unless you want to have the worst situation, its absolutely normal that she contacts you.

We have to work on you because that's the only strong thing that we can put our effort on.

and how we can do that? do you have any ideas? I do have one, when she text you, you don't respond right away...
The main reason why we do that its not to mess with her but because we are not strong and we really need time to think about what we will say!!!

You were gonna have your D16 do it....but W ask not to and you to please her, well you do what W wants, you have to take time to think about it, and if you preferred that your D16 was the one to do it, just take your time and give yourself the reasons for that. You put all your reasons together and then and only then, you decide what you want...
You ask yourself: Am I doing this to mess with my W and show her that I believe that even if is not what I believe?
Am I gonna get anything good from this negotiation?
Is this matter gonna make me grow resentment or I will agree with that and believe its the best option?
Once you put those questions together then you can answer and whatever you decide will be valid because you do that after you think about it.

Lets be realistic, if your W comes to the house to watch movies and stuff to be with her daughter its great, you know what it will be not that great? that you are around just thinking: is she going to talk to me about the R, are we getting back together? should I kiss her? should I prepare her a beautiful dinner with candles?
there is where it might raise a problem in here, so best thing to do, don't give her a full schedule of your days off, choose first what days you want to be by yourself, watching the last movie of Jason Statham or the last movie of Di Caprio thinking that man that guy its my hero without being critized by it.
Once you choose the important days for you, then choose the days you will give her (probably you will do this in a hate love mood) so its important that after you put that schedule together you post it her so we can take a look at it.
Then with that schedule in your hands we will tweak a couple of things and you will feel much better and stronger.
Its not about to do everything for her so she will want us back, its about to do the things in a way we have compassion for both of us, so the solution doesn't hurt none of us.

I strongly suggest you if I can and in a very humble way to before you answer to any text, stop by here and write them down and take a little time for you, you keep not being gentle with yourself and you keep putting her needs on front of yours, and that just moves your W away from you.

Breath and take a pause, you are now in God's time, its not anymore your time or her time....

Paul, I just caught up on the past few days of your thread. It sounds like you are really doing great.

I am sad for your W that she is missing out on her kid's lives. I imagine that at some point she will regret it. But it's great for you that you are able to spend this time with them, and for them that you are there to help them through this. Be proud of how you are handling everything.

I'm sorry your W ignores you. It kind of makes you wonder why you bother caring about her at all, doesn't it? You just keep on waving, Paul, because whatever she does is her problem.



What would you do differently if you decided to stop standing?

Ye 21, thanks for checking in. Not sure I understand or agree with you.