Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis H seeing FOW...again

CW,

This is something of a second time around for me. About 15 years ago, my H went through a crisis. After he returned home, I, unknowningly teased him about his MidLife Crisis.

He didn't have an affair, as far as I know, but he acted the teenager and did all sorts of really dumb stuff. He was angry and horrible to me and did all the same stuff, but to a lesser degree. He was gone about 4 months before returning and declaring his love all over again-despite his short time away-the process was years in the making-he came back and committed himself anew, complete with a new engagement ring.

Anyway. This time has been way more severe in terms of his infidelity and so forth.

I look back now and see these little fits and starts of a crisis throughout our marriage.

Heather,
Those little fits and starts of a crisis in your marriage may have been the life transitions that we all go through. Some go through them w/o a blip on the radar and others, those who have poor coping skills, act out. If people can't navigate those transitions well, a more difficult crisis will arise in their 40's, 50's, 60's, or even 70's. Again, it all depends upon individual, their childhoods and coping skills.

Thank you job! I needed to pulled up and reminded! I appreciate your words!

LoisB, thank you for telling me a little about your sitch. I will look up your thread! My H left briefly back in 2000...kinda like your H he has done some dumb things thru the years.

job it makes sense what you are saying about poor coping skills! My H "seems" or appears to handle those fits and starts well on the outside...obviously, he must not be handling them at all on the inside! He is good in emergency situations where I am a mess! I am the opposite...I fall apart immediately and then calm down and move on. I need to work on doing that now!!!

Hello!

Am feeling a little more settled this weekend although I did not sleep very well all last week!

IC appt went well! She is having me work on my "self-talk" until I see her again! I really am feeling hopeful that she is going help me get to a point of acceptance and maybe help me heal some old wounds and feelings of guilt from the past!

H came by today to split some wood! It went ok. I thanked him for his help as he was walking out the door and his voice cracked a little as he responded back...he is keeping his promises, so far, to help out financially and with stuff around the house so that helps take some worry away!

Was reading someone else's thread and the website/blog "the storied mind" about depression came up so checked that out today and am amazed at how it really related to my H.

I made plans with an former co-worker to go see a James Taylor concert in June! So excited!!! The kids and I plan to go to my hometown in a couple of weeks to visit! It has been awhile since we have done that!

CW

I can still remember some of your kind words to me…way back when. Thank you. I am sorry you are back here and I wanted to stop by and show my support.

I am here for ya!

As for H, all I can say is protect yourself and focus on your healing.

The IC is a very good idea.

Thanks Eric! I appreciate it!

Nothing much new to report! Word has definitely started to spread in my little town of H's leaving! Got an email from a neighbor concerned if we had enough wood to keep warm and a text from a friend whose H worked with my H asking if it was true that H moved back in with OW. One of my co-workers apparently thought I was going to tell all at our outing the other night and scolded the other gal that went with us for monopolizing the conversation and not letting me get a word in! I actually was having a good time! Was nice to be distracted and laughing and having fun!

Met with IC today! She asked if H and I had had any R talk since he left. Not sure she understood "not initiating R talk"! She said that she sees a resiliency in me and wants to explore Adult Children of Alcoholics and co-dependency. My Father was an alcoholic most of my life.

Totally cleaned my kitchen and cleared the counter tops of all decorative items! My kids talked me into putting the antique bread box back out but everything else is put away! Looks so clean and uncluttered! Almost like we just moved in or are getting ready to move out! Regardless, felt good to get rid of some stuff!

Bought myself some flowers today and am going out with a friend tomorrow night!!!

I went out with a friend last night,
(background, we used to be really close and used to bowl and go out w/her and her H a lot. Her H started working where my H used to work and a day job became available. They both signed for it and her H got it even though my H had worked there longer...it caused some hard feelings on my H's part and although she and I still talked ocassionally, my H didn't want to hang with them anymore)

My friend brought this up...
About a year after my H came home, my friends H's Mother passed away. We ran into them and my H stopped him and said how sorry he was about the Mother passing away and then said that he knew he had made some mistakes and was hoping to make amends to them etc. H was in tears when he said all this and we all ended up in tears.

She said that she really believed that the old H was back (as did I) and was happy for us and had hoped to rekindle our friendships but as we all know, life gets in the way and we are busy etc. and we just never made time for it.

I guess I am just wondering, since H obviously never left the replay stage, was he just peeking out for a bit? Anyone have any insight?

Sometimes MLCers can get sentimental...and when there's a death, they can appear to be very sorry and shed a tear or two...but that's about all it is. Apparently at that moment, your h was having a moment of clarity...and that's most likely why he said he had made some mistakes. When they are having moments of clarity, they can sound like they are coming out of the fog, but it doesn't take long for them to drift back into the fog and live in the never world once again.

Have you seen any other signs of him coming out of the fog? Has he made any move to rekindle the friendship? If not...then I wouldn't put much stock in what he's said at this time. Actions speak louder than words. At the moment he meant what he said, but he's most likely back in the fog doing whatever floats his boat these days.

It was very nice of him to say the things he did and yes, some of them can tear up and be emotional when speaking to others. Why? Because their feelings do come to the surface for a bit, but they don't stay there very long.

Keep the focus on you and let's hope he'll resurface again very soon.

Thanks job for your response...that was over a year ago when that encounter happened and no, he didn't make any effort to rekindle the friendship either. They stopped by last summer and we sat around the fire pit and everyone "said" we should do that again but we didn't! A lot of that "saying" and not "doing" happened a lot around here! Taking this opportunity to remedy that!

Ok..back to ME!!!