Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

Hi KGirl!


Trust me, there will be days when you think you have already lost your mind. I am in the same situation as you, so you are not alone! I am still living with my H although he has in no clear terms stated he wants out, and is still seeing the OW. I just go by my day “as if” he was not there. Yes, he is physically in the house but if he is watching TV, I am reading. If I want to come home, kick my feet up, and watch TV. Or maybe make myself some dinner. Well, I will do so but just not when he is doing so…

Be patient and keep DBing..stop thinking about “what HE is doing?” and instead, think of it as, well if he’s not doing anything, then this gives ME time to figure out what I want to do..



It’s hard, I know, cause you’re still processing and hurting, but you need to DETACH, DETACH, DETACH...this is you’re new mantra...…At the beginning, it is all raw and emotional; you just want to run... but with every passing day, if you continue to DB, you’ll see it gets easier..

Good advice from Fly



Sounds like you feel you always have to be on your best behavior around him, and like maybe you feel like you're walking on eggshells, like any wrong move will push him away. But HE is already pushing YOU away through his words and actions. He's already checked out of the M. So if you want to kick your feet up and watch TV, then do it! Go ahead and make yourself dinner! What's he going to do, gripe? Well he does plenty of that already. And if he's in the house all the time, well then YOU find things to do outside the house. Get out and GAL. He's hellbent on ending the M, you don't answer to him anymore. Work on your life without him. Be strong, independent, confident! Ironically these things that help you get over him are the things that could bring him back down the road.

Oops, I didn't see TipAnna's post and repeated much of what she said. Good comments TipAnna!

Hey KGirl! How are you holding up?

Well, I haven't moved out yet, so I guess that's a good thing? Feeling conflicted, I guess. I waver back and forth on a daily basis between trying to stay positive/DBing and thinking I shouldn't waste any more time on my H. I had dinner with two of my good friends a couple days ago who know about the situation and have known us almost the whole time we've been together, and they pointed out that this isn't the first time H has done this, so how can I trust time #3 will be the last if he does come around? And by "this", I mean break up with me/leave me because he wonders about dating someone else, either a real person (breakup #1 when we were 19 which lasted all of one week when the girl was appalled that he broke up w/ me for her and she had no interest in dating him) or hypothetical people (breakup #2 when we were 22 which lasted over a year, with much debate from H whether or not he wanted to be w/ me vs. "play the field"). I guess I thought that when you marry someone, you're done with all that nonsense, but apparently not.

I've also been thinking of what I've been trying to change about myself, but am running out of ideas.. which leads me to think about my responsibility in this vs. H's. At the beginning of this I thought it was mostly my fault because H said so. Reflecting on those past instances where he keeps "wandering", maybe this is more about him than me and I shouldn't blame myself for the majority of it. I don't know, who knows, since he doesn't say anything.

I did try and stand up for myself today and it didn't make me feel any better or make me feel like H would like a strong/confident person. He was trying to do the taxes (which I always did in the past but he wanted to try this year?) and was frustrated about the mortgage interest. I asked him what he put in so far and he yelled "Just leave me alone while I read it!". After a few min. he calls me in and asks for my help. So I come in and say "I'm only going to help you if you treat me politely". His response: "Well, your question before was really stupid, you can clearly see what I entered in the form so far." I don't even know how to go about setting boundaries because I don't know what the consequence would be. "H, if you continue to treat me like cr@p, I'm leaving?" That's probably what he wants and isn't what I should be doing anyway. I really can't afford for H to leave the house first, because I can't afford the mortgage payment on my own, and I'd have to deal with selling the house all on my own. I need to be the first to leave but I don't know how I'd know when/if is the right time. I've thought about it a little and decided that if he does ever comment on how I haven't moved out, my response would be "I'll leave once there's a written agreement showing I'm no longer responsible for the mortgage after X date and that I'm owed Y amount of the equity in the home whether you buy me out or we sell it, based on that date." I think that protects me, and if he actually gets to that point where such an agreement exists, we'd be on the path to D anyway.

*sigh*. I hate this. I want to know why he hasn't taken any steps towards D if he is so sure about it. Is he just lazy? Is he waiting for something to happen (for the tax return money to come in? to finish filling in the health insurance benefit stuff online where you can track your exercise/eating and get $150 back each year, since he can't do that once I take him off the insurance? he mentioned something about he should do that right away this year "while he can", gross)? Or is he now undecided and trying to figure out what he wants? I know I shouldn't be wondering, but it doesn't seem fair that he can just 1) "walk away" with no warning or discussion first about what went wrong, 2) not fill me in on what's happening.

[quote=KGirl] So I come in and say "I'm only going to help you if you treat me politely". His response: "Well, your question before was really stupid, you can clearly see what I entered in the form so far." I don't even know how to go about setting boundaries because I don't know what the consequence would be. [quote]

KGirl - You told your H the consequence in your statement. If he did not treat you politely, you would not help. If your H continues to be rude, simply walk away. Leave him to do the taxes on his own. You don't have to set forth an earth shattering consequence. There is actually the one boundary that I set that has worked pretty well. I used to engage my H and it would just escalate the situation. So when I started walking away (with a smile on my face and not stomping in anger), he noticed. Eventually, he started treating me better.

I know that you want answers to your questions. I would come on here and write them out to stop me from asking my H. Your H is not capable of answering them. He probably does not even know exactly what he is doing (at least if he is anything like my WAH). All you can do is focus on yourself. If you are worried about finances, you may want to reach out to a L just to see what may happen so you are prepared (I need to take my own advice on this one).

Moving out and getting a D is not going to end this pain. You will have to deal with it one way or another, so you might as well use this time to improve yourself.

Thanks so far, everyone. I was feeling really good about NOT asking H the questions above or pushing for answers. But then tonight I was chatting online with one of the couple of friends who knows what's happening. She asked the usual questions ("Did he call a lawyer? Have you called a lawyer? Has he moved out? What has he said he wants to do now?" etc.) When I said I didn't know because we hadn't discussed anything related to R/D/M in several weeks because I was following some guidance I had read about not bringing up those topics, she essentially said that I was playing games and that I needed to ask him what is going on so that I know where I stand. Am I playing games?? I do find myself wondering if all this DR/DB is just to make us feel better when we get dumped but not actually addressing the issue. How do I respond to something like this when friends think I'm ridiculous... or do I just stop talking to them? I'm scared to even talk about this "strategy" with my IC for fear he'll also think it's unhealthy/playing games.

Well, I just sent an e-mail to my H asking him about a few financial questions:
1) In the past our arrangement was that he would pay for the car insurance/gas (since we shared a car), and I'd pay for health insurance, since it comes out of my paycheck anyway. The amounts weren't quite equal but close enough. Now that I have my own car and am paying my own car insurance/gas, I don't think it's fair for me to shoulder all of the health insurance burden, and asked him how he'd want to address it for the time being (didn't make any reference to "while we're still married" or anything, just "for the time being"). I noted that the only thing I could think of was for him to pay me half the amount each month.
2) He got an iphone this fall and used all of the reward points we'd built up through our cell carrier for the past 2+ years to do so. When I got a new phone a year ago, it was a spur-of-the-moment decision without him there, so I didn't feel like I could use the points without consulting him and paid actual money for it. So my email also asked if we had a plan to address the discrepancy, since I couldn't remember if/what we had decided. The points were worth about $250, so not small change.

I e-mailed since lately if I try to ask him about anything logistically in person he just gives me a blank look and doesn't answer or says "I don't know." I think this was OK? I guess it could be "pursuing", but I do need answers to these questions, as they are significant amounts of money especially over multiple months for the insurance, and they are things we need to figure out no matter what happens. I didn't ask anything about our "status". It may have been a little more business-like than it would have had things been different but... I guess it is what it is. I do need to take care of myself financially.

That's not pursuing. Discussing children and/ or finances is OK, it doesn't really fall under Sandi's rules. Now if you turn it into an R discussion or try to ask him out for coffee or something, then it's pursuing.

The advice you will get from Divorce Busting is pro-marriage. Your friends want to see you happy, so they probably think divorce is the answer. I urge you to call a Divorce Busting Coach so you can stop having self doubts. You need to find solutions and answers that work for you. DB coaches will help you get your marriage back on track.
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