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I do think it was just an accident...

but if I accidentally hit someone's car, I would still leave my insurance information.

It's called making amends.

It's not about the money...it's about giving the other person a chance to try and make it right...even though it was an accident

I totally agree with your son. Let the mom's handle it if that's what needs to happen. If not, let it drop.

I also agree it was likely a boneheaded move. I was a boy. I did some dumb things. I grew up. It's part of growing up.

If you do decide you feel amends need to be made, handle it with his mom and keep that trust with your son. Your son is not stupid about this.

Your H cares, BTW. His way of caring and showing that care is different, but I read in your post he does care. And not just about retribution or the money, although that seems important to him.

My $0.02 anyway.
AJ

Please tell me where you see in anything I said, that he cares, Because his not seeming to care is what hurts me the most, on behalf of his son.

I think you're assuming he cares because it's inconceivable to you that he wouldn't.

All I've seen, that I can recall, through my admittedly slanted lenses, since way before H moved out is:
- yelling - tell me NOW blah blah blah...
- criticizing - why is this sock on the floor?
- coming over but acting like he doesn't mind that S15 won't be in the room with him - S15 pretended to be asleep when H came for Christmas last year. This year he stayed in the basement playing video games while H stayed in the kitchen.
- telling me he didn't like how I raised them and he had expected them to grow up and take care of their elders and they don't seem like they're going to do that (conversation from around bomb date)
- telling me that emancipation and disowning us as parents is one of H's ideas for how S15 will be able to afford going to college.

I'm not feeling any caring from that man. All I feel coming from him is a sense of obligation to demonstrate to the public that he's enough of a father to come over for dinner once in a while.

Oh and pay.

He pays the mortgage in lieu of any child support, and he has the HSA that I pay the kids' medical expenses from.

It really is all about money, that's what I think.

My zen is slipping, oops.

I don't know that your zen is slipping, you live the reality of your H.

AJM, have you read ad's posts since the beginning? I believe her H is acting at the level he can but I'm not sure caring is included in that.

I'm not a spouse-basher, some people just don't have all the wiring connected properly.

While it is very rare that somebody doesn't care, I don't see that your H doesn't care about his son or his well-being. I see a man who cares differently than you'd like to see. Or that you recognize as caring. I see a man who cares differently than you'd like to see.

A person who doesn't care doesn't even talk about it. Doesn't get hot-headed over it. Doesn't spend the energy on it, because well, they don't care.

Labug, I did read it over once, but I'll read it again. I'm not saying the man doesn't have his issues. I only said I didn't see a man who doesn't care. I see a man who cares about his son and who cares about a lot of other things as well that all seem to get mixed into the picture that adinva relates to the board.

I'm in no way suggesting he's ok in what he's doing. Just to be clear.

AJ

Oddly, your sister wanted the same thing you wanted from your H's friends. For you to talk sense into him (your niece in this case). I submit you did better than she hoped for in the way you chose to help. Perhaps his friends did too? Not enough information to know.

Overall, adinva I'm sorry to read your story. But the story I read is not that he is uncaring. Quite the opposite. He won't win father of the year based on your reporting of it, but he's not uncaring.

I wondered, while reading, was he returning to his true self and hiding it from you all those years? I'm certainly no expert, but it seemed that way while reading your posts.

Avoids expressing emotion and seems to fear intimacy? Could that also be how he interacts with is kids? I would think so and I can easily see how that would come across as not caring. But they are not the same thing - expression and motivation are two very different things to me.

Peace,
AJ

That third quote threw my for a loop. I honestly don't know what you're talking about there. I dont recall wanting h's friends to talk sense to him, nor do i recall my sister wanting me to talk sense into her daughter. I don't see what analogy you were trying to draw.

The other point, that one show emotion because one cares...in the concussion story the emotion h showed was about getting his money back. If he is yelling at s15 to tell him the name so he can go after them for money, you and i are just going to disagree that that shows h caring about his son.

His son is not reading it that way. If i said son, just realize that your father is only yelling and berating you because he really loves you, i would look like a crazy person.

My h is verbally abusive. He treats us like possessions. My ic considers him a sociopath. I'm not going to imagine love where it is clearly not. I'm very sorry for my son that his dad is emotionally limited. My son will very likely grow up with some issues because he doesn't feel loved by his dad but rather abandoned. That makes me feel mad.

I do think there's some truth that h cares, in some way, about his kids. But this concussion example is not an illustration of it, quite the opposite.

I think coming over with dinner and stuff is how he shows he cares.