Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

Scott,

I pray to god my gut is wrong but I'm having flashbacks reading your stitch. I am strongly advising you to start a journal. Begin with the date and time and just start writing...even if it's just a sentence. Please do this- you will realize why one year from now.

Go to the gym - this needs to be a commitment you make to yourself. I also suggest you come up with a few goals for yourself that you control 100% of the outcome......3 months or 6 months. You are going thru so much emotional hell right now ..the depths you can't feel because you are trying to keep your head up.

Are you taking a multi vitamin? Do it.

I came on tonight to just check in on you. I wish I could be there for you right now because very soon you will need to make the decision to blow [censored] up or become superman.

Please think about my suggestions.....i want you to be superman!

Labug, I was doing exactly as you thought. I had the tit-for-tat mentality. Heck I was actually thinking of telling her that I was going fishing first thing New Year's Day morning (So There). Then I read your response and knew you were right on the money. Come to think of it I've had that mentality my entire life but just now realized what a problem it could present. (I also realized my mother has the same mentality)

Here's my personal dilemma as to what to do about GAL. While I see the importance of it I'm not sure how much it will help my situation. Let me explain again as I might have left some of this out. Leading up to BD was a lot to do with my drinking(and dipping) but in her mind it was deeper than that. She took it as im doing what ever the hell I want to do when I want to do it and that it didn't matter what any one else said. She said or thought I was going to do whatever the heck I felt like doing and that I've always been this way, it's just who you are she said. Even though that wasn't the case in my mind, she thought it and felt it was for a long time. My fear is that by doing these things she will still have the mentality well he stoped drinking and dipping but he still doing whatever the hell he wants whenever he wants to do it. I am still open for any and all suggestions on this topic.

After a long day of working out and having some time to myself yesterday I had the chance to do some serious soul searching. I thought a lot about what everyone has been suggesting and a lot about how where my relationship has been going the past several years. The one thing I honestly found out is that I can see and truly feel that she is DONE. It's hard to explain but it does feel as though a weight has been lifted. I am trying to be strong for myself and my boys.

Also wanted to clear the air by saying she is not out for blood in this D as I posted earlier. I spoke too soon and was using the tit-for-tat mentality. She is truly a kind and caring woman. She loves both her boys family and dogs very much. Even though we have our differences I can honestly say that she is probably the nicest most caring woman I have ever known. She will continually go out of her way to even help stranger.

I know she wants this divorce. I know it may happen and I feel I'm in a better place now by accepting that fact. I'm not in a perfect place and yes it's still very hard but I have accepted that she is done.

I have been trying to be more humble to be more open to be more patient, kind fair and caring I'm going to continue to work on these things not only for myself but for all relationships going forward.

I still hope it's not too late and from the bottom of my heart I thank each and everyone of you for the help and advice you have given me this far

Dont kill me guys, Im am all over the place especially with the above comment "Here's my personal dilemma as to what to do about GAL"


I know this goes against what I just said above, but after re-reading my post, actually thinking it through, and more importantly not letting my emotions guide me........ YOU ARE 100% Correct here.

I do need to GAL, and DETACH, So Forget what I said above. Yes she thought that by me staying home and drinking nightly that "I was doing what ever the hell I wanted to do." Well guess what? Im not Drinking anymore. And trust me there were/are soooooooooooo many more things I wanted to do during our marriage. Im not "really" complaining here, but I did give lots up (even some friends) to be with my wife and take care of my family. She would ALWAYS give me a hard time about wanting to go do something, or give me the silent treatment, which was worse in my opinion. So, for the most part I became a home body, family man and I dont resent it (well maybe a little) but I did what I did.

Thank you so much PS, your post made me feel so much better and it encouraged me to go soul searching on saturday. Heres my plan so far. Im going to workout (I do a calisthenics workout at the park) at least 3x a week. After new years Im going to a one night a week bible study. Church Sunday morning, and Im going to thrown in some friend time in there somewhere.

You guys will be excited to know Im GAL this weekend! From Friday to Sunday Im Going Camping and Quail Hunting with a good friend of mine. I've never been before, so this is something new for me. He's been asking me for 2 years to go with him, but I've always denied as I thought the WAS might get upset. Im really excited.

Guys I can honestly say Im DETACHING and it does feel good. Its not perfect, but it does feel good. It is easier said than done, but when it happens you will finally realize why everyone was making such a big deal about it.

Thanks again everyone, and sorry for being all over the place in my last 2 posts.

Here's the big elephant in the room:


Why were you doing that?

Have you addressed that? Quitting drinking is only about a 1/4 of the answer.

I see some people-pleasing happening, you want to make everyone feel OK. Would you agree?

Who is the real Scott?

I wrote a bunch here and decided it belongs on my thread not yours, cause it's about my journey.

I wish you well.

Going out to GAL is hard, mostly because as you start you keep thinking about how it affects other people when the goal is only to make you a happy, whole person. Do *anything* that makes you healthy, social and occupies your time.

There are 2 self help books I would suggest (if you're looking) that can help you...No More Mr. Nice Guy (excellent book that helps men look at their lives and reach their potential) and Mindful Attraction Plan (more geared towards married men wanting more sex, but there's a fantastic checklist strategy to identifying parts of your life that are dragging you down so you can fix them).

They helped me a lot. I started this with zero friends, hobbies, activities, nothing...living with depressed people will do that, but after reading DB & DR, I now know how I should have reacted to the situation I was living in.

I have not addressed it with WAS, but I have with myself. I was depressed and Alcohol made me Happy (most of the time)
I was TIRED of the same ol same ol daily routine, nothing ever changed, nothing was ever different. I was tired of my WAS major OCD with household chores/duties. She needed things done a certain why at a certain time EVERYDAY, and she still does. I voiced my feelings/concern about this with her and at counseling, but things stayed the same. I felt trapped, like was never going to have a life again, never get to play again. I asked her a few times. "Do you want to look back on your life and say that you always had a clean/tidy house" or That you really lived and had some fun" I would go over and above to try and accomplish all the things she wanted done before the weekend so we could go play. Even if I did, she would have new chores she wanted to complete. I thought, maybe after the kids were grown I could start playing again and doing more of the things I wanted/use to do. Drinking was my escape from the same ol same ol, the OCD the chores. I would drink, become happy (most of the time) and continue on with the SAME old SAME old everyday routine. Alcohol made it easier to deal with (I guess)

You mean on this site or at home? I have been an emotional wreck. Im all over the place. One minute I feel great about myself, the next I just want someone to tell me how to make all go away. Im realizing and finding out alot about myself with the help of everyone on this site

The real Scott loves to Play, laugh, loves to explore, be daring and go on adventures and being with friends. The real Scott (since M) has been none of the above. He he's caring and can be a smart ass, and loves pranks.

SC,

I haven't posted to you, but I did catch up on your sitch in the last couple of days.

I think it is great that you quit drinking. Hopefully you are committed to making that a life change, not just a temporary change to get your W to come back. Ultimately, all the changes you are making should be for you and your children and as an extension, any future relationship(s). When changes are genuine, they do not go unnoticed. Your W is watching from a distance.

It took your W many years to get to the point of wanting to end your M/R. Not an easy choice. It will take some time for her to reverse that choice. That is where your changes come into play. What would make her believe that a new M/R would be different? What would make her think it would be better? Be the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

On the GAL, it is great that you are going to spend the weekend with a friend doing something new. That is always cool. I'd also suggest GAL with your children. My children happen to be the same age. There are tons of things you can do with them. They need you now more than ever.

Another GAL suggestion, would be to volunteer to help the less fortunate. One quote that stuck in my head is, "When you are busy helping others, you forget about your own problems." You might not completely forget about them, but it will help you heal doing something positive.

Hope this helps.

Peace

Scott,

1. Dont drink this trip (unless its Diet Pepsi w/ Lime- the bartenders f'ing hate me :))

2. Get "No more Mr. Nice guy"

How many pushups can you do?

Im not doing well today. WAS went out last night and I did not ask her where she was going, with who or what time she was going to be back. Nor did she offer her plans to me. Before I left with the kids, I told her goodbye and to be careful tonight. I did not hear or try to contact her all night. I received a txt at 4:00am saying she was spending the night at her girlfriends. (which she probably was) She came home this morning and acted as if everything was just fine. But I was not fine, I was upset and I think I let is show a bit.

I didnt talk much or ask any question about her night. She talked to the kids, but thats about it. She did ask me "Whats Wrong" as to which I replied "Nothing" with a smile. After a few hours I told her I had some errands to run as to which she replied a very snarky OK.

I was gone for no more than 15mins and I recieved 3 texts from her asking why I was so angry, Whats wrong with me and that Im taking off for the weekend and she cant even get 24 hours with me taking off.(she's been out 3 times in 5 days) I replied back nothings wrong I just need to get alot things done before my trip and today is my only day.

After that I got the "Hey, we need to talk tonight after the kids go to bed" Dammit man. I am soo nervous about this. I think Im going to say the wrong things and spill the beans. What If she mentions, your always taking off etc etc. What if she brings up your acting different, what do I say to that. (I want to say Im getting a life and detaching from you, but I know thats not the right thing to say) I am so bad with confrontation. HELPPPP!

This would be communicating, not confrontation. Think about the reasons you're GALing. You weren't happy, there are parts of your life that you don't like. That's what you tell her…the DB strategies aren't tricks to confuse her into returning; they're tactics to make you happy, attractive and better at managing your relationships.

If she confronts you about your behaviour, try to turn it into a discussion about the specific actions, not strategy. But most of all, listen. And try to understand the purpose behind the questions, not the questions themselves. For example if she says "why are you always going out all of a sudden?", answer with something like "what is it about my going out with friends that has you concerned?" That way you dig further into the reasons for her questions and you can answer the actual question behind the question.