Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis bent not broken

I will take my time to respond.
I will let him drive the conversation...

Just wish he could show some compassion to me as I have to him. I know, I know...

Just wish we could have a reasonable adult conversation. I will not show anger. I will show empathy and validate.

Wish I could ask and get an answer to how he justifies me doing everything for the kids.
Busting, have you had that convo with your h?

h is taking d to gymnastics tonight. I will be here when he picks up but won't be when he drops off. he will leave her with s17. she will get herself to bed.

thank you all for your responses. I try and put that anxiety away. I know it is not about me

I went to a D/S support group meeting last night at a community church.
The topic was healing. my tears just would not stop.
I have been 20 months at this now. I know it is a process that we have to go thru.
I guess last night I was wondering. When do I move on? I have been standing for my M because my h does such the MLC script. I do feel sad for h.
H has given no mixed messages what so ever about trying to restore the M. I am thinking I am the one just dragging this out and thus putting off my own healing. How can I be completely healed and still stand waiting for h? as long as I stand, I think I have hope in my heart.
H doesn't want r with me.
I want to heal

Wish I could ask and get an answer to how he justifies me doing everything for the kids.
Busting, have you had that convo with your h?


I have had a similar conversation with H, yes. I was not satisfied at all by the answer. I brought this very issue up three times throughout this. The first time I was still very raw as it was early on in the process. I got anger in response and no acknowledgment of what I was doing. In fact it made me feel worse.

The second time, later on in the process, he didnt say anything in return except, 'yes, I know'.

The third time it came up, more recently (like 2or 3 months ago), he said, 'you have to be strong for both of us right now'...?????

So, I don't know if it helps, but I do feel that they feel giving support to the kids, is implicitly giving support (emotional) to us as well. And they don't want to do that

what do you do when your kids don't want to go stay at WAS apt?s17 has never stayed there and I doubt that he will. d15 does but only one night at a time. usually it is out to dinner, movie, bed. breakfast(out) in AM and then home.

h asked again about talking tomorrow.
I said sure.
Then he said, So we'll touch base in the AM. I said that's fine.
I just posted on Melissa's thread. I will ask h for a more permanent visitation schedule.
I will ask for every W eve and every Sat eve.
d is not going to like it. she prefers to be home.
feel like I need to have this schedule for me.
If we are going to be D, shouldn't we act D? isn't visitation schedules what D people do?

I do need to remember to let h talk today and STFU . listen and validate.
I suppose,
Next in line of order is splitting out finances.
I will ask if he has copies of all financials.
He had given me copies back in August.
I do have a checklist I prepared so I can ask, how about the CU account. It wasn't included back in Aug
we will need to get an appraisal of our home.
He will want to give me the house, but taxes alone annually will be appox 1/4 of what with an old pool. There will always be maintanenece. Maybe at some point I will have to sell.

8 years ago when we bought this house. We really wanted the house next door. Had put an offer. Woman selling wouldn't work with us on the major issues with the house that needed to be done, so we backed out of sale. Didn't know at the time,
Woman was a divorced mom of 3. She needed every penny.
It's like forshadowing to me!

ow talk- I know I have been advised to not give that space , or energy.
At issue is that stupid ow works under h and that is a big no-no in his CO. Maybe this has been my trump card and the reason h will act nice to me.
Really I doubt h would get any type of retribution. ow is "in luv" so she is not going to say anything. H is afraid I will let the cat out of the bag. Not that he would lose his job( or so it is said bosses should not date employees, but I know it to be a "good ole boys club" there is so much D there at his CO. T...I believe honestly in my heart that is why h wants D . so he can go date without feeling guilty. however, it doesn't matter to him what I think.

I want to know about ow, because of d who is developmentally delayed. She doesn't understand all this.
I know until we are D, he can't bring ow around d15.
I probably won't ever want d15 around ow, but I get no choice in that either.

d15 will never live independently. For her to live in a group home over her life time( after I can no longer provide care for her) and maybe even before then. She may WANT to go live in a group home independent of me. The costs will run around 1 million dollars. I kid you not. Assisted living like this is an easy 40,000 annually.
h is spending money doing la-di-da with ow, well that is his child's money.
therapy would have been a lot cheaper.

Slow down Will.

Let him lead the conversation. All you have to do is smile and nod. Whatever he is planning to talk about doesn't require an immediate response. If he brings up something and expects an immediate response, tell him you will get back to him on that.

Don't bludgeon an ant with a sledgehammer. Just wait to see what this is about. Whatever it is, you can hAndle it! Really! You can do it. Be calm.

One more thing,

Keep it Simple. Think of three things you can do for the visit.

Breathe.
Speak calmly in a grown up, soothing voice.
Don't REACT--take your time no matter how much he wants it quick and easy. This is important stuff and requires your thought, your attorney's thoughts, your friends' thoughts... Nothing needs decided today.

Lots of love to you. You got his.

Heather

Thinking of you. Hope things are ok.

I did fine today. Actually not too much discussion. He thought I had something more from the L. I said no. We discussed s17 some. He has been busy with work. I've been busy with class.
He will have d15 W(when he is in town) and S. he just so happens to be out of town the next 2 weeks.
Next Sat we have an sport event at s17 school that we will both be working.
I stayed calm. We talked about his work a bit. He left to go do a conference call.
The weather impacts his job, so as long as this Nordic freeze is going on, he is busy.

I did not bring up ow.
his neck was bothering him. he looked sad and tired.

so the only thing different for today... a stated request for visit with d. He mentioned about one of our(his really-in his name) accounts. splitting it out. I said do what ever he wanted to do.

I guess I was not ready to say. Lets proceed on with this D. He didn't say the word D. For now, I have HW to do, so that is where I put my focus.

Will,

You are the best. Good job!