Dingo, let me apologize for the thread jack - but maybe the clarification I am looking for will help you, too.
Sandi, I am curious whether you advice re: not making oneself available to the WAS applies to all LBSs, or if this was specific to Dingo bc of the OM situation.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I'm just making personal conversation now, but I have watched people here on this board for several years. LBS's have huge problems with holidays & special events. They can be thrown out in the ditch by their WAW, and still think they are suppose to buy a gift/card or do something on their anniversary (or next holiday. That is nuts!
I guess I would still say HB to my H because I don't want to be bitchy or come off as vindictive. I guess I kind of want to be his rock. Sure, he might meet some other woman but when she acts like a crazy person, there I will be, steady and calm.
Now that I write that, it sounds kind of stupid.
But I am not sure I buy into the idea that if my H chooses to leave, I can never be friends with him again?
Quote:
By sending her a TM, you fed her emotional food and instead of thinking how wonderful you are, a WAW is more likely to just continue on with their WAW lifestyle, believing they are doing fine.
This makes a whole lot of sense. My fear is that, if I don't send the TM, then he thinks, "she's such a bitch, I'm glad I left her."
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Some days - this being one of them - I want to keep my wife going back and forth until the OM finally has enough. Then when he's out of the picture, tell her I am leaving.
...ugh......
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Sandi, I am curious whether you advice re: not making oneself available to the WAS applies to all LBSs, or if this was specific to Dingo bc of the OM situation.
IMO, this is one of those applications that has to be tweaked according to the individual's stitch.
MWD teaches that one of the first acts for the LBS is to be "less" available to the WAS.....and this is when they are still living together when there is no OM/OW (I think).
When there is OP involved, or the WAS has moved out, etc., I believe the LBS should be as unavailable as possible. But there may be children in one's person stitch and not children in another.....so you have to take these things into consideration.
There are many things you can give blanket advice, but it's always better when you know an individual's story and issues. Also, (call me crazy) some advice I give to a LBH may be just a tiny bit different than what I tell a LBW b/c of the gender difference and the roles in the MR.
In being unavailable, it is especially important to have a keen sense of timing. IOW, you wouldn't wait until the WAS was faced with some terrible tragedy to choose that time to suddenly disappear.
So, you have to check certain things to see where you are as the LBS. In Dingo's stitch, his W chose to leave the home, continue her contacts with OM, and has told Dingo that she is not ready to be in the M and (I forget her wording, but essentially was saying she didn't want to be faithful). She likes him as a friend and wants to keep him hanging in case she ever wants to share a cup of coffee and have a nice little chat.....but she'd rather live single so she has the option to date other men. Plus she flat out told him.....she (or they) were stepping back now. She does not desire to work on the M. Therefore, he needs to stop all manner of pursuit (which he has trouble doing), pressuring her emotionally, and trying to control her. First for his own personal growth as a man, and second for the sake of a future with her (or another relationship). I think it is imperative, if a R is possible.
Dingo's W needs to face some things and once she finds she does want to work on the M, then she needs to be the one chasing him, for her sake and the M's sake. Again, timing is important here. As the couple slowly works closer to a reconciliation, the LBS can little by little increase the availability to the WAS.
I could say a lot more, but have to leave for now. Hope I didn't confuse anyone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Some days - this being one of them - I want to keep my wife going back and forth until the OM finally has enough. Then when he's out of the picture, tell her I am leaving.
...ugh......
I understand that and you're right it is immature but better to get it out here.
You have the power to stop her going back and forth but I think it scares you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This is going to sound like I am making excuses and maybe I am but here is where I get hung up:
Around the holidays, I made it very clear to her that I would not work on the marriage or be available to her while she was still with the OM. After 5 days of NC around Christmas, she contacted me to get dinner. I tried to be unavailable and told her that I had other plans that night and would be out of town for the weekend. She responded with something along the lines of 'i just wanted to talk with someone about my first christmas without my mom (she passed away in May 2013). Can you meet for lunch?' So I had some sympathy/empathy for what she was going through and agreed to meet her. We had a nice lunch and she said that she was hopeful that we could work things out.
Then a few more days of NC and she approached me again saying that she was ready to start hanging out/dating again and that the A was over. Her actions seemed to back it up because I noticed that she really had started to back off from the OM - I hadn't seen his car at her place in 10 or so days.
So these are the circumstances that I had asked for in order for us to start to work on the M again. We hung out a few times and then boom! - i need space again. Then I screwed up and pressured again and 2 days later - we're getting divorced, I want to be with the OM, its final this time and I am not changing my mind. Then 2 days after that - I'm stepping back from divorce (this is what she meant by "stepping back" Sandi.
I feel like I am the one who is being controlled and manipulated - and yet, its coming across as me being the one who is controlling. I know that I have control over how I react and that through her ups and downs, i need to be even keeled.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Sandi, I am curious whether you advice re: not making oneself available to the WAS applies to all LBSs, or if this was specific to Dingo bc of the OM situation.
IMO, this is one of those applications that has to be tweaked according to the individual's stitch.
MWD teaches that one of the first acts for the LBS is to be "less" available to the WAS.....and this is when they are still living together when there is no OM/OW (I think). I really like what you wrote here sandi
When there is OP involved, or the WAS has moved out, etc., I believe the LBS should be as unavailable as possible. But there may be children in one's person stitch and not children in another.....so you have to take these things into consideration.
There are many things you can give blanket advice, but it's always better when you know an individual's story and issues. Also, (call me crazy) some advice I give to a LBH may be just a tiny bit different than what I tell a LBW b/c of the gender difference and the roles in the MR.
In being unavailable, it is especially important to have a keen sense of timing. IOW, you wouldn't wait until the WAS was faced with some terrible tragedy to choose that time to suddenly disappear.
So, you have to check certain things to see where you are as the LBS. In Dingo's stitch, his W chose to leave the home, continue her contacts with OM, and has told Dingo that she is not ready to be in the M and (I forget her wording, but essentially was saying she didn't want to be faithful). She likes him as a friend and wants to keep him hanging in case she ever wants to share a cup of coffee and have a nice little chat.....but she'd rather live single so she has the option to date other men. Plus she flat out told him.....she (or they) were stepping back now. She does not desire to work on the M. Therefore, he needs to stop all manner of pursuit (which he has trouble doing), pressuring her emotionally, and trying to control her. First for his own personal growth as a man, and second for the sake of a future with her (or another relationship). I think it is imperative, if a R is possible.
Dingo's W needs to face some things and once she finds she does want to work on the M, then she needs to be the one chasing him, for her sake and the M's sake. Again, timing is important here. As the couple slowly works closer to a reconciliation, the LBS can little by little increase the availability to the WAS.
I could say a lot more, but have to leave for now. Hope I didn't confuse anyone.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
