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Spent most of the evening watching football with friends and am having a pretty good time.

Taking the day off tomorrow and going hiking with some other friends. I used to hike with my wife always and there is a list of mountains for a local achievement that we planned to climb ttogether. I have been working on finishing this list since high school and the last few years, we have been catching her up. Since the drama started, I have put my list on hold but no more- doing two of them tomorrow. Not as punishment to her but to start to separate these activities and do them with others.

I spent some time really trying to be objective today about the current state of my R. I think that my hope really blinded me to the truth. I haven't really had a good day with her in a long time. Even the days when she was 'back', I was still very insecure about things. After the first revert back to the A, I don't think I ever really believed that it was over. I really need to get away from this. I need to stop putting her on a pedestal and look at the choices she is making now.

Dingo, I am sorry you are having a tough time right now. I don't have any great advice; I will leave that to the vets. But just wanted to say, notice how much more resilient you are now than you were just a month ago. Your W's latest declarations made you feel awful, but you were still able to watch football with friends and have a good time. Good for you.

And, I am right there with you, trying to stop putting my life on hold, and just forging ahead with things without my H. It is sad, and it is hard, but with each activity you do, and enjoy, you will feel better, you will grow, and you will move forward, no matter what your W does.

(((dingo)))

I agree with M. You did it...You went out and kept going anyway.

Tonight, I went to my 5th Hockey game of the week. I thought about W a little and got sad and mad about all of it. then I looked at D13 on the ice and the joy she had and I reminded myself that I will go on and that life is good. its W's loss. I must go on. You may be farther down that road than I am, but you still must travel it. Take her at her word and go make your life ROCK without her. leave her in the dust and be whatever your heart desires. Enjoy the world around and the people who value you.

I did do it. I have to be careful. There's a woman that hangs out with this group of friends that has showed a fair bit of interest in me. We have a pretty good connection but so far I have kept it at that. Tonight, I felt myself willing to get a little closer to her....

understood. and its confusing too. Take it a day at a time. be honest if it comes to her wanting to be more friendly and see where you life takes you I guess. Not saying do or do not do something.

So my other revelation for the day is that I have constantly been giving my wife the benefit of the doubt (even though I don't believe her) and making excuses for her when it comes to her 'working' on things with me. I've accepted halfassed advances, less than enthusiastic 'commitments' and 'trying' for 2 weeks before giving up, all in the name of no pressure and taking it slowly.

I think the next time she comes back, if she comes back, and if I want her back, I will be looking for a lot more before I even allow myself to drop my guard.

We had another conversation this morning. She told me two very important things yesterday:

1) she doesn't want to do any of the fun things we used to do with me anymore.
2) she loves me but not enough to do the things I am asking of her.

Those statements were pretty severe and are things she hasn't said before. I told her that I accepted that this is how she felt and that I understood that she needed to do what she felt was best for her. I gave her the option of not taking the two weeks to think about the situation if that's what she wanted.

She and I made a huge mess of this marriage and it really sad that we are in this pposition. She said that there were a lot of things we could have done differently - which [censored] to hear because if that's the case, why not do them now?

Anyway. I don't know if she will take the two weeks or not, though she did say she wanted to really make sure this is the right decision.I told her that she can do what she needs to do and to just let me know what she needs from me. We didn't really discuss specifics on moving forward one way or the other but i did tell her that if she changed her mind, we would really have to discuss how 'starting over' is going to look.

My gut tells me that she's finally had enough of the situation and is going to follow through with what feels right to her now. That may not be such a bad thing.

I guess now my job is to live my life like she doesn't exist and see what time brings.

Why were you talking this morning?

You don't want to be on the roller coaster but you keep buying a ticket.

What are your goals for you?

Why does she think she has a better chance of having children with OM?

She did not like that things ended with us frustrated with each other yesterday and wanted to talk after the emotions settled a bit. I'm confused about whether she's confused still or not and thought I would hear what she had to say.

I am really struggling with hope vs expectations. When I find myself thinking hopeful thoughts, I tend to convince myself that that is what WILL happen. When I accept what is happening, I convince myself that there is no hope. I feel ok in both of those mental states. It's being in the middle that's difficult.

My immediate goals for me are to become more active in outdoor clubs in the area. Begin to meet and make new friends and to find new hobbies that I've never had time/money for before.

She thinks she has a better chance with him presumably because she sees him as a better fit for her. They are more compatible according to her. Maybe they are.

Well I am proud of myself today. I went for lunch with a friend. My wife happened to see my car parked downtown and texted me asking if I was coming to pay her a surprise visit at work. I waited til I was on my way back home a couple of hours later and replied that i just got lunch. Simple and to the point. She texted me back a ':('

Is this woman fvcking insane??

In the past I would have leapt at this opportunity to see and talk to her. No more. I will not pursue any longer and I will not accept table scraps.