Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis On to Divorce and still litigating...new life.

F-,

You may have to man up and just do what is in the kids best interest for the kids. I know it [censored] and will probably cause a fight, but the kids are number 1...period. If you are worried about her fighting in court about, talk with your lawyer. In reality though, I can't see any judge giving you problems over getting the kids into therapy. It might actually go the other way in that the judge asks the X why she didn't support it.

Have you asked around the school to see if they have inhouse counseling? My kids go to a therapist through the school (during school hours, once a week)and it has been a godsend. I don't have to pay a dime and the kids have an unbiased person to talk with outside the situation. It does take time for them to open up as my son is finally talking about his mother after seeing the therapist for over a year.

Thanks Lost. yes I have looked into the school. They have one that supports a few schools around but have not had good reviews and are limited on their credentials. Health coverage pays a portion anyway so I am okay with the cost. Just want the best. Anyway, was able to get d11 to go tomorrow night. She had a meltdown apparently at her mom's last night and this morning and apparently refused to go to school today. This seems to be a problem when she is there. Lots of missed school days. Not one when with me. I can get her to go. Sometimes a little complaining about wanting to sleep in, but I get her to go. I have them tonight until Saturday. Was able to let her know she could talk about anything privately with the counsellor. She still does not want to go, but 'pinky swore' to me she would try tomorrow night. Glad I was able to keep the time.

F,

Good step....as for the meltdown. It is tough, but it will continue to happen (both my kids have problems when they go to their mom's...even though it is every other weekend). I had a friend explain it to me as such....Each house runs differently and kids respond to that. It isn't necessarily that either house runs right or wrong, just that the difference can mess with the kids. Different rules, different schedules, etc mess with the kids balance. In the ideal world you and the X would get your households running the same in regards to the kids....but honestly your world is so far from ideal it is crazy.

what I have done (especially with my son) is I listen to how he feels when he is down there. I DO NOT make a single bad comment to him about it or address the X about it...I LISTEN to him. It makes him more secure. I also let both of them decide if they want to go or not...I don't make them go. That gives them some feeling of say in the matter. In the end this has made things better for everybody....The kids want to go see the X, don't feel forced into going, and everybody is more relaxed. Heck....If I remember correct your wife lives right down the street. It sounds like an open door policy would be awesome for the kids....Let them see which ever parent they want during the day.....as long as they sleep where they are supposed to. As close as you two live...it could be in the same house every night, but spend the day with whichever parent they want. All within reason of course.....but the kids are #1.

FM, I recall the same issues with my ex. She absolutely refused to co-parent and then flip-flopped all over the place with information - both drowning me in it and withholding it. We're currently back to her withholding it

The stress on the kids is a lot. My kids ended up going to the therapist at the insistence of their mother's lawyer. I'm not going to say I caused that lawyer to do that, but there were a few things I had my lawyer suggest that "helped" that team see it as their idea

My ex is similar to yours in that she flat out refuses to co-parent in any way,shape or form. And of course, blames me for that lack of co-parenting. Par for the course.

I mention that so you don't feel like you're the only one. The difficult part is getting the kids some help and doing what needs to be done regardless of what the ex does to try and stop it. But it's well worth it for the kids.

I'm sure you're doing everything you can to help them. I hope some of these ideas is something that helps you find that you're not alone and that helps you find a solution that helps your kids.

Good luck,
AJ

Just keeping up with your sitch, FloydMan, since you have been supportive in responding to mine: I have an 11 yr old son, and 8 yr old daughter, and it remains to be seen what effect my husband's shacking up with the girlfriend is having on them. I see how trying to co-parent has been hard on you and especially the difficulties it is raising for your kids. Good job keeping their needs number one - by the way, I have an appointment with a lawyer for the coming Tuesday to discuss my options.

DXW S: 11 D: 8
me: 47, husband: 51
Bomb drop: 10/8
Moved out: 11/30

Thank Lost, AJM and DXW.
My d11 went to counselling on Thursday night. She said she will go again and liked the lady a lot, so that is very good. The girls are squabbling quite a bit lately. D11 gets to D15 a lot and that frustrates the older one. D11 is looking for attention while D15 has her own struggles. D15 still refuses to go to counselling so need to find another tactic to get her to try. D15 did open up to me and is frustrated that she feels responsible for D11 too much. Clearly resentment is starting in. I explained that I will do better in explaining to D11 that her sister needs a bit more space when she wants it. I told D15 I will also make sure D11 looks after herself a bit more after school before I get home from work. D15 said it is worse at their moms and D15 does everything to look after sister because mom is not home as much as me. Oh boy. I am glad she opened up to me, and told her she needs to open up to her mom as well because I cannot get involved in her home structure. Lots to look into and understand how I can make it better.
D15 also asked why she cannot be with me and her sister with her mom and vice-versa for the 50/50. I had to explain that the law won't allow the kids to be split apart. Not sure if I should have worded it that way, but it was all I had at the moment. These two girls used to be so close and loving toward each other. Clearly they have seen bad examples of interaction and separating from each other as a solution. Not cool and very sad. D15 should not carry the emotional weight, or responsibilities of her sister. gotta do my part to see that is mitigated. They just left now for their moms and I get them back Wed. Miss them already.

Pssst, Floydie .....normal sibling behaviour especially at 15 and 11

What's not normal, of course, is the situation you are in. Glad D11 went to the counselor.

My suggestion is that you tell D15 that you worry because you love her and that you want her to go and see someone, just once. If she never goes back, fine. But explain that sometimes talking to someone who doesn't know you and is not allowed to repeat anything helps. Sometimes it doesn't and that is cool as well.

I made my D go at 13 (last year). She declined to go back and said she would rather talk to her friends. That she felt weird talking to someone she didn't know.

Also the fact is your D opens up to you. So, you could always go to a counselor for help for your D and her concerns. Then try thee practices etc with your D. Just a thought.

My IC gave me some good advice when I expressed concern.

I love you Ruby!

Well after cancelling on kids trip with kids at Christmas and then going away on her own and abandoning them at New Years with no notice, I get a letter from her lawyer rejecting my offer to settle (which was generous) then in same letter asking if exW can take the kids away in March including 6 days of my access and only 4 of hers. Guess she wants to save face with them. We have not settled on all the schedule for the year and are still litigating schedules, she owes me money and litigating on that front. She tells the kids already before she asked me so that was manipulative. Welcome to the rest of my life. My L is saying no to the request unless all matters are settled. Would have said yes if she acted appropriately and asked directly instead of driving more legal costs through counsel. I also got a collections notice of failure to pay a local toll hwy for $1300 that she has not been paying her usage on. She cannot continue to act this way, breaking court orders and using the kids as pawns with emotional guilt. Come to think of it, this has been my life for quite some time...nothing changes. This is why we are divorcing....manipulative, controlling and underhanded behaviour. The sense of entitlement holds no bounds. Still awaiting her counter offer of settlement. I am sure it will be a joke.

Some days we feel so down, eh? Unreasonable negotiations, selfishness, pettiness, being bullied.....gonna be a looooong divorce.
Why can't it just be fair? Narcissism stinks.