Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis bent not broken

vets, feedback please. for the talk about "our Stuff"(h's words)
Can I ask him for a heads up? an agenda?
The last time when I asked h to talk , I let him know exactly what it was that I wanted to discuss,,, school schedule, spring break, summer plans. there was no R talk.

by asking him is this pressure?
Do I go in expecting the worst?
Hate negative thinking but need to prepare myself.
If it were not such a script!

I know to listen and validate. but if he is pushing the D, then there are things I want to know ( status of ow)

if he is pushing the D, then I need to put in place a visitation schedule and to be able to do so without sadness/emotion.
My conflict... doing visitation schedule not because it is right for me or kids but more so to say, well if you want D, then this is what D looks like. I feel anger even as I type it.

Like PM, I need to detox from him!

thoughts???

WBW,
Generally, I discourage asking for a heads up about what the meeting will be about. But, if you feel the need to ask, then I would phrase it as "h, about our meeting, is there anything I should have available for us to discuss?" Keep it simple.

Do not ask about the ow. This is the first question that needs to be struck from your list. The more you bring her to the table and ask about her, the more power you give her and he most likely will not tell you anything any way. Don't feed the ow's power keg. You'll have a better sense about the status from the conversation...but do not bring her up as a topic.

I would go ahead and prepare a visitation schedule just in case he's talking the divorce language. You can prepare yourself for the meeting...but it may not even be about the pushing for a divorce.

Stay positive. Many have "assumed" what the meetings will be about and have worked themselves up to anxiety and panic and then discover the meeting isn't about what they "assumed". Meet w/him w/a positive attitude, listen to what he has to say and wait until he's finished talking before stating your views. Ask questions about finances, children, support, etc....but not about the ow. Keep this on a business level type of meeting.

You can do this, I know you can. Stay positive!

thanks Job, I do want to stay positive. I know I need to be smart too. I am going to follow your advice re the simple phrase and also put that stupid ow out of my head.
I will pray before we meet and ask for God's help. can't do it on my own

I am just working some things thru my head here. I know I am putting a lot of emphasis on h right now. I know what to do for me and I am, but I want to work thru some thoughts....
Any feedback please advise

h likes to say 'we must keep moving forward' I want to ask him how is D moving forward? seems like moving backward to me.

h has said he has 'moved on' he has grown 'distant and apart'

BTW, I am reading from an email h sent to me back in july.

h says we were on parallel forward moving lanes in life.
h said he grew apart and it became the norm to go our separate ways... I want to say to h that I disagree. he chose to go his separate way.

h said he didn't experience my pain, he experienced his own.
This pain was brought on by him.

h says he wants to leave because he is not engaged or as comfortable as he should be. That is his issue, that is his doing really. that makes me sad for him.

following typical MLC, h has no contact with friends, his sisters, and less and less with the kids.

H asked me one time what he can do for the kids? I said how about get some therapy? That obviously didn't go over too well.

I would like to say to h that I have a busy semester. he knows this. I do like being in school. It has been so good for me.
But, school now takes up my time. I don't get to volunteer at d's school anymore. I would like to be helping s17 with the college search. This is what I should be doing and not spending what little free time I have thinking about, reading about, this sit!
It p*sses me off.
How to say that to h without anger...

h seems resigned to D. he wants to just go to work and do his own thing. H says he hopes that someday the boys will see that their father really does love them(and they will move forward)
he recognizes that he has hurt their hearts.
he wont though do anything to fix it though

I would like to ask h how is it ok with him that I do everything for the kids? oh, sure he pays the bills. I do thank him for that.

well, I need to go get ready for class.
I know I am supposed to let him go.
I didn't break him.
It is just such an awful shame

one more thing.
I liked me before all this. I know myself and have always been open and willing to grow. didn't need this to figure that out!

Will,

I hear you putting a lot of thought and energy into what HE is thinking.

Is he thinking clearly?

What evidence do you have that shows he IS thinking clearly?

From what you have posted, I see your H as following the MLC script. At best, he is very depressed and looking for a solution in all the wrong places.

So, if he was someone else's hubby, what would tell them?

Would you tell them to base their truth, future, plans on what he thinks, says???

What do YOU think? What do YOU want?

To some extent, what he wants is just white noise right now. He may take more D action, he may not... In the end, though, it's on you because YOU are the sane one right now. Stay the sane one and stop basing your feelings on someone who isn't sane.

I only see it because I am, myself, an excellent follower of the insane thinking of my own H.

The comments that he has made about growing distance and apart are script and are usually heard when their is op in the picture or waiting in the wings. He's moving forward in his head and he thinks that a divorce will help him get to where he thinks he wants to be. Again, script. If you were to ask him about these comments, he very well may not have answers or they will be the answers of the day, like the flavor of the day. Then again, the answers he provides to you may not be what you want to hear at this time. Best not to question too much what he's been scripting.

Of course he doesn't feel comfortable or engaged at home and w/you and the family. It's because he's changing and the depression is eating at him. He most likely felt closed in or was suffocating from what he perceived as responsibilities, etc. These are his feelings, just as you have feelings about the situation and right now, he'll shut down if you were to address how you feel. Keep in mind, this is all about him and what he's feeling/experiencing. He truly can't feel anything for you because he is too emotionally spent on himself.

He's not ready to hear the word therapy. He doesn't see anything wrong w/the children and in his mind, they'll recover and bounce back in no time. You will have to be the one to take them for therapy. Don't rely on him to be a responsible adult and work w/you on this.

Again, you can say all the things you've mentioned about how YOU feel and it will go in one ear and out the other because he's focused on himself right now. It's the "me, me, me" song and dance. The only person he can focus on and be selfish about is himself.

Write letters to him expressing yourself, but don't give them to him. It's better to vent here because what you may say to him about your feelings, etc., may push him away a bit further and he will shut down on you. There will come a time when you will have the opportunity to say what is on your mind, but now isn't the time.

Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to move forward. Keep the focus on your children for they need you, their mother and adult, to be there for them.

Hi Job... thanks for this post.. it reasonates for me as well.

There is no point in asking questions... the answers are like "flavor of the day". And that they feel suffocated (my h constantly describes feelings of wanting to run away) due to responsiblilities. So, since I don't want him to shut down... I STFU.. alot. WHEN, he opens up... he is just as surprized as I am to hear what he says. MLC at its finest, I guess!!

Yes, they are SOLELY focused on themselves and reason away any practicality/reality. Its ME ME ME... all the way home!

Willb, no point in giving those letters just yet. Much like mine, he isnt ready to "hear" those things. One day, I pray to be able to talk with him normally again.

meanwhile, take care!

Magic!

Willbwell, you’ve an excellent advice from job. I completely agree with everything. It is all about your H. If you start telling him about your feelings right now, he will consider it as more pressure and more reasons to run away. In one of the R boos I’ve read the author suggests to completely agreeing with spouses’ negative feelings, validating and not defending yourself. The author watched it in his practice that this causes the negative feelings to diminish. I’m still on the fence about what to say when the D subject is brought up. According to the author of that book, when you agree with the D, most of the time this subject just goes away. If you feel like you cannot do that, you can say that you don’t want the D, but you will accept it, if this is what H wants.

I know from the personal experience how much anxiety you must be feeling in anticipation of the talk. Try to prepare yourself for the worst. Run all the scenarios, prepare for the answers, and then put it aside. Think some positive thoughts about the conversation. I know it is difficult, but if you practice it long enough, you will get it. Thinking of you.

WBW I can only echo what has been told to you about this. I do relate to the anxiety ... I have been in similar situations with H too. Him asking to talk and having no idea about what. Assuming the worst - bracing myself for it.

Remember you don't have to say anything back to him no matter what he talks about. You can listen, validate and say you will need time to respond. Take your time to process and respond, not react.

You can do this WBW. We are here in this together.