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Sorry about the panicked post. Every one made it home okay. It did drive home the point that my #1 goal now is to have a safe environment for s both physically and emotionally.

I guess I am in a don't poke the bear mode. The first thing I read this morning was a tinybuddah article on thinking before acting. Hitting pause. I have slipped and this is a good reminder.

I read that yesterday.

Why are you apologizing for slipping? What do you think your slip was?

I slipped into thinking I could talk to him. I can't.

It's OK. You'll get other opportunities to not talk to him.

LOL, bug!

Julie, you are doing great! Your sitch is particularly difficult, and I think you are doing fabulous. Look, sometimes you have to try and see what happens. Now you know . . . right now, not worth trying to talk to your H.

I know it's easy to kick yourself for it, but don't. Your H is already kicking you enough; you need to be kind to yourself!

Things have been chugging along. I have been working, spending time with s and the dogs. I got an alanon sponsor. Civil interactions with h for the last few days but that all changed tonight.

Even though the last few days have been ok I have been in an anger phase of the process. S has severe anxiety and it is getting worse. He cries for h all the time. He has tantrums. H won't talk about it. I feel like this is another mess that he has created and I have to deal with. And then I get angry the h is out all the time doing whatever with whoever and I have very limited opportunity to have a life outside of work and s.

Tonight I wasn't feeling well and came home from work early. H was so mad I was there and kept going on and on about how he doesn't want me there.

He accused me of having OM (I have only 1 male friend that I speak regularly and he is gay and lives 8 hours away) I said some mean things about OW which I know is wrong and I regret.

Then he moves into bashing my parenting because I am trying to expose s to situations where he can interact with other kids. It is always a safe environment. I am there. We are leaving when he gets too upset. I have been discussing everything with s's
Doctor. H thinks that if s just wants to stay in house all the time I should let him. We don't even come close anymore on agreeing abour S.

Somewhere in the middle of all this (I am staying calm btw no yelling from me) he starts going off on how his job is so much more important. I agree that it is. I have the job that I have because we needed stability a paycheck and insurance. I questioned why he can be so caring to strangers but so mean to me. He screamed how he hates me and stormed out and took off to wherever.

I know I shouldn't have said anything. I keep my mouth shut about so much. How much am I really supposed to take.

I just remembered something else from the conversation last night. He had been telling me how great and important he is and how he helped so many sick people that day.

He was then talking about how he doesn't believe anything I say and says that I am the person who said "the whole world is against me and you h are against me." I told him that I honestly don't remember saying that. He said I did. So I told him if I did it sounded like I must have been in a very bad place. That I sounded sick. He agreed that I was sick and that I "made him sick"

How does someone have so much compassion for strangers yet just hate for the person they were supposed to love in sickness and health.

And I honestly do not remember saying anything like that. I wonder if he is reaching back 10 years to when s was very sick and we didn't know if he would ever leave Nicu? Maybe he is remembering a time I was depressed and blocked out.

I can't go back to past. All I can do is keep moving forward. Keep working on forgiveness and becoming a more optimistic person. Keep working on finding my own happiness.

I don't know what your H's job is but if he's licensed he may not be helping sick people a lot longer unless he gets his act together.

Julie, I know this is easier said than done but don't look to him for any truth. You know the saying, if their lips are moving...

He has to say those things to protect his ego because he's so ashamed. Can you think of a funny song or rhyme to recite in your head when he starts on a rant?

I'm totally sober and I think you're doing an amazing job in the situation you find yourself. It takes courage to try new things with kids, especially when they have special needs. Only those who have been there know the weight of helping your child navigate a world in which they don't quite fit. ((( )))

Julie-He really seems to be trying to bait you into arguments. He is saying shock-value statements to try to get you to argue or defend yourself. Good for you for not rising to the occasion. We know that his anger is is at himself, not at you.

I wish you didn't have to be exposed to this. I know how hurtful and awful it is to hear those comments even if you can see through them.

It seems unlikely that your H is going to be agreeable on anything at this point-esp things like parenting that are important. I would leave him out of as many decisions as possible since you aren't able to communicate civilly.

I hope you are thinking about yourself and your future. I hope you have a backup in case you come home from work one day and your H has evicted you. (For some reason this thought has been popping into my mind)

Take care, Julie, and keep us updated.