Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Final phase of losing wife?

Kenva, I am sorry you are in this place with your sitch. My condolences for your Father in laws passing.

Please slow yourself down. You don't have to react so quickly to all of this. Let it process a little, and let W settle down as well. She's grieving. She's panicking. She is desperate right now, at this moment, so give her space and the ability to deal with it all. Things have a tendency to soften a little if time is allowed. Just be calm and supportive whenever and wherever you can. Be a rock for your Son. Morn your Father in law. Stay strong. You WILL get to exactly where you need to be. You sound spiritual, so you probably know God has a plan for you.

My attorney said I need to respond to her and the pre trial date in the next few days. I plan on giving her my settlement proposal tonight, which my coach said would be a 180 for me if I did. If we can discuss our matters without paying for attorneys my attorney said would benefit us and we wouldn't have to go to trial. I don't think my w has told her attorney that she has been seeing someone because if she did she wouldn't be pushing for a trial. I can subpoena him and prove adultery to get alimony from her. Again, she's living in LALA land. I am letting go. As hard as it is. I don't have to like it or like her now. Time is really not on my side now.

Yes brother. Get it done.db coach is right...a 180 it is.

I gave w my settlement proposal last night. And I felt real good about it. It felt like a huge load was off my shoulders. I got a text from her this morning that she was good with it but need to address certain issues. She wanted to meet for lunch today or tomorrow to discuss it. I waited about 10 min and responded that tomorrow would be better for me. I can meet today but need a little time to get my thoughts together. Anyone with any input on how to handle this? I basically want to tell her that I still care but this situation isn't good for us or our s. She did tell me last night that she had no idea that her lawyer sent the letter last week just a few days after her fathers death. She said she didn't authorize it. I told her I was shocked that it came within that time.

The sending of the letter by the lawyer without her authorization is typical of divorce lawyers. The goal is to cause animosity between you and your W. This will tend to lead to more money for the Lawyer. My wife's lawyer did this tactic. I did not respond directly, but carefully through my lawyer to her lawyer. I would then find a way to tactfully let my W find out that her lawyer was doing things that were cost both of us money and leading no wheres. Eventually my wife ran out of money to fund the divorce and pulled it from the court and fired her attorney. This has given us breathing room for now. If divorce is the final outcome, in many states you can do a do it yourself divorce without any lawyers involved. This works only if you can work together.

We are meeting for lunch tomorrow to discuss things further. I'm curious what any of u guys would think if I started off the conversation with this isn't what I want but if divorce is what you want then let it be and to also ask if this is what she really wants. Any input please!!

Two hours and counting. This morning she wanted to remind me she has s tonight. I told her that her nephew called me last night and invited me to his bday dinner tonight. She looked at me and said , " he called you? There's gotta be something !!" I stopped her and said to her he invited me so you do your thing and ill do mine there. She was implying that her family should be off limits. Well her family loves me and they still think she's in the wrong. I'm not nervous about today and feel good. I'm still going to ask her if this is what she really wants.

I think that's OK except I'd remove the part about asking her what she really wants. Just assume D is what she really wants and phrase it accordingly. She WILL tell you if it's not what she wants.



Oh boy. There's so much that can potentially go wrong there. First of all, her family WILL side with her, if not now then later. I've seen it happen over and over again starting with my own sitch. It doesn't matter how much they like you or how "wrong" they may think she is, family bonds always trump everything else eventually. Second, it sounds like your W doesn't want you there, so if you go it's not going to earn any points with her, in fact it may make her angry. Third, everyone is going to want to talk to you about your sitch and you do not want to discuss it with mutual friends/ family because your W will perceive it as you gathering the troops against her.

Fully agree wit AS here. I made each of these mistakes. The only difference was on the family gatherings ( 2 of them on the first month and a half) it was W who pushed me to go but not say anything and act normal. That was still a mistake. It was awkward and I was uncomfortable. I later was told by her it was because while her sisters etc knew, she had not yet told her parents. I felt like a fool and assumed it was because she was not certain about her decision. Used in a sense to protect herself. Very manipulative. After month 3 she finally told her parents and they freaked on her, and pressured her. It only made it worse and more anger directed my way because they love me.
Your W will be angry if you talk to them about sitch.
Her family will indeed support her...family will always support. Last thing you need is being seen as turning family against her. My exW tried to turn my family against me, and boy did that backfire....they absolutely detest her now. They thought that was low.
Maybe go out another time with nephew to celebrate bday. It should be about that anyway.

Well just had a lunch with w. she started to go over my list which was good with her and she went over a few other things which I am taking in. Over all it was calm we had a great chat and I feel good. I did bring up that I never thought we would be at lunch discussing divorce and that this isn't what I want but understand her and this is what she wants. She came back saying I yelled and screamed 2 years ago and try to push u a certain way but now you change and I don't want to live like that. I told her I was steering blind with myself then and now I want different for myself and s. We had some good eye contact here and there and cracked a few jokes about us. She also said that I had neglected her in the past which I acknowledged that I did. She said about dinner for her nephews bday that she was thinking that some time between what is happening now and till later that I can be gradually brought back into functions like that. My coach advised me to go if nephew called and asked because he said now or in the future would i have to ask for her permission?She said she had no regrets with us getting married and what we had. So things are moving forward. I'm going out sat night. Might even spend the night out.