Ha! I don't owe her, but I enabled her spending habits to the point I spend $700 a month on debts!!! I'm currently waiting to see whether my bonus and raise due in March will make things liveable otherwise I sell the house.
The only reason I haven't demanded it be sold yet is that the kids still feel attached…you have no idea how nuts I wanna go. I wanna go on a few holidays and get a few of those things I've always wanted (nice watch and a sick Jeep).
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Stop paying bills in my name? No, I'm going to find way to pay those off. I don't facilitate her spending anymore, quite the opposite. She's begun sending me money because I made my intentions clear about the house.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Just checking in on my thread, journaling and mulling over stuff as always. Any input is welcome.
These days I find myself suspicious that the progress we made is mixed in with her stringing me along. Is it normal for a person to have a change of heart but still want to remain separate? Or did I just over read what happened?
She said that in time she found that her feelings for me haven't changed, she does love me. She's willing to work on our relationship slowly, in time...what that means, I don't know. She also let off a weird comment "who knows, maybe we'll find ourselves in a marriage where we simply live in separate places"....???
Perhaps it just means she's not ready yet, perhaps she has plans to never come back. I don't know.
I suppose it's just more of the same. Detach, GAL, be patient. Has anyone else heard of this? I had assumed that things would seem a little for more linear when she came around...this just seems like back and forth stuff. Make sense?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Is it normal for a person to have a change of heart but still want to remain separate?
It's not unusual, probably her biggest fear is that things will go back to "normal", IE, that you will both fall into the same old habits that drove her away. So she's afraid to recommit fully because she thinks you'll quit working on you. All you can do is keep giving her time and space as she works through this at her pace.
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She said that in time she found that her feelings for me haven't changed, she does love me. She's willing to work on our relationship slowly, in time...what that means, I don't know.
Well it's a great sign, and I think all she's saying is she doesn't want to rush back into anything which is actually good, because you shouldn't want to either.
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She also let off a weird comment "who knows, maybe we'll find ourselves in a marriage where we simply live in separate places"....???
Not really that wierd. Again her fear is that things will go back to the way they were. Her thinking is that you're getting along well separated, so why spoil it. That's fine for her to think that, she's working her way back to thinking about the M. Just tell her you're perfectly fine with that. You want her to see that you're on her side. No arguing, no pressure, no conflict. Go with the flow
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I had assumed that things would seem a little for more linear when she came around...
You should read threads over in piecing then, because it is never ever never linear! That's one of the things people talk about the most is how NOT linear the recovery process is.
Someone commented on my thread that my wife will go in cycles and we seem to be in similar spots in some ways so stay tuned for cycles from your wife.
The separate places thing "for now" could work in your favour, especially if she's saying she still loves you. Time and space for her and time and space for you to work on you. Sounds like a win-win.
As for being a "married couple who live in separate places", I think it's just words from your wife but we'll roll with the premise here. I think you'd need to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you. In the short term, it's a great idea, but if my wife said she wanted to live in separate homes for the duration of our marriage, I wouldn't go for it and that would become a boundary for me. Then comes the challenge of expressing it in a way that you understand her feelings and will respect her decision but you envisage married life as being under one roof. I'll leave that to the vets to get the words right but the point is, after a reasonable time (6 months? 1 year? 2 years?) can you live with being married to her while having separate homes?
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
The answer is yes, it's a deal breaker. I didn't sign up for this to be alone at night and I'd rather be with a person who wants to be a part of my life.
It could just be words…I don't see myself continuing to be alone waiting for her on a long term basis. I'd need her to move in this year to be honest.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Mini epiphany this morning...W called to confirm something this morning and we chatted a bit. It was one of those one step forward, one step back kind of conversations.
The point is that after she hung up I felt a bit sorry for myself when I realized that the biggest thing I miss isn't really her, it's being with a person. Sleeping and waking up, supper, etc. It's the company she once provided, though honestly for a long time all she provided was a person in the house who wasn't talking to me.
I now realize that I need to learn to enjoy my own company. I should be happy to do things by myself and go out to enjoy myself. Perhaps only then will I be able to make friends more easily and attract someone who wants to share their life with me.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
The point is that after she hung up I felt a bit sorry for myself when I realized that the biggest thing I miss isn't really her, it's being with a person. Sleeping and waking up, supper, etc. It's the company she once provided, though honestly for a long time all she provided was a person in the house who wasn't talking to me.
I now realize that I need to learn to enjoy my own company. I should be happy to do things by myself and go out to enjoy myself. Perhaps only then will I be able to make friends more easily and attract someone who wants to share their life with me.
2S2Q . . . this is a tough realization to make. I struggle with this a bit myself. Like you said, for a while all my H provided was a person who didn't like me very much. In fact, I was kind of nervous most of the time about whether he was going to be nice to me or like me each day. But perhaps you and I both are also missing what our Ss used to be, or what we wanted them to be.
And I am not sure I agree entirely with the second paragraph. I do think that it's important to be OK being alone, but I think it's only human to crave a connection with another person on a daily basis. So give yourself a little bit of a break here.
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I realized that the biggest thing I miss isn't really her, it's being with a person. Sleeping and waking up, supper, etc. It's the company she once provided,
Does this change your desire to want to be with your W? Would you be just as happy (or happier) if you found someone new, or am I reading too much into what you are saying?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
