Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Settling in for the long road ahead

I'll try to keep it brief! I've been lurking for a while but thought it was time to join in.

First BD, when I found out about the EA was Aug 2012. I finally realised that I had to work on my own personal issues that had been affecting both myself and our marriage. H and I tried MC but he decided not to go after two sessions. I continued seeing the therapist for my issues only. I felt I couldn't work on the marriage until I was 'sorted'.

Second BD was December 2012. ILYBINILWY!!! And the usual follows, rapid weight loss, upside down, inside out emotions, but I refused to throw H out. I told him it was his decision to make, I wasn't going to make it for him. He continued to live at home, often saying he was leaving, until Sept 2013. The EA affair has fizzled out because the OW has backed off. I think it was more on his side than hers.

After doing a lot of reading I came across MLC, and a lot of it seems to fit H. I have continued to work on and mostly overcome my issues and it has opened up a whole new world to me. I am slowly GALing, and doing stuff I never dreamed I could do.

My main obstacle, drama, call it what you want, is that H and I run a business together. We have a lot of contact via phone and on actual jobs together. At times this is VERY difficult. It is just not possible for either of us to get out of the business for another couple of years. We both admit we work well together too.

H was given the (edited) book recently. He has read it and says he agrees with it and that he has HAD a MLC, and now the issue is that I have been pushing him away and not showing affection for years. I will admit that the past couple of years I have been pushing him away somewhat, mostly in response to his mood swings and depressed state, but I don't think it's been for years like he says. We have talked over past issues and both agree that rehashing it isn't getting us anywhere and we try not to bring past issues up anymore.

And to now, I'm continuing to GAL, have recently signed up to do a diploma course (gulp, study!!!!!), and I am affectionate to H when I see him. I try not to mention our relationship too often, he does bring it up as well though. He recently told good friends of ours who know the whole situation that he was going to move back home, but he continues to tell me that he isn't ever moving back. He doesn't believe that I have changed because I want to, he thinks its because I feel I have to so he will come back.

And I was trying to keep it brief!...........

Hello! Well it sounds like you've been doing good DB'ing whether you knew it or not. Going to IC just for yourself was a smart move, telling your H that moving out was his decision and that you weren't going to make it for him, working on your issues, GAL'ing, all good stuff! Usually people come here and post without even having read any of MWD's books, so you're ahead of the game



Then keep doing it. Look at it as an opportunity to show him your changes. Give him as much time and space as you can outside of the business though.



OK, but he doesn't want to work on that now, correct? As long as he doesn't want to work on the M then you're right, there's no use rehashing old stuff. If and when he does want to work on the M then clearly that lack of affection is something that will need to be addressed.



Don't initiate any R convos at all. It's OK to listen if he wants to talk about it though. Just listen and validate, don't try to reason/ persuade/ negotiate/ explain/ agree/ disagree.

AS, thanks for your reply. I hadn't thought of us working together as an opportunity to show him how I have changed. I just saw it as being hard, but you have put it in a more positive light for me

We had a business seminar to attend yesterday which entailed an hours drive either way. H has been putting out feelers to add to our business which would mean me getting a little more involved in stuff outside of the office. He mentioned that maybe me seeking work outside of our business wouldn't be a good idea at the moment. I'm in two minds about that. Outside work might be helpful for GALing but on the other hand increasing my input into our business really interests me. I am slowly increasing my circle of friends that i meet regularly for lunch/coffee, etc so I wouldn't be relying on H for social contact. I think I will just sit on it for now, if I'm meant to find a job it will happen!

I'm having trouble with patience at the moment. I am not a patient person yet I know that patience is the only way through all of this. Things will not happen quickly, H can not make a decision to save his life at the moment! He is like a clock pendulum flipping backwards and forwards. I think I need to write out what I am actually doing in the long term regarding 180's, etc so that I can keep referring back to them and hopefully that will keep me on track and hopefully develop my patience!

I noticed in my original post that the name of the book I had mentioned had been edited. Are we not allowed to mention the names of books on the site?

Not sure what I think of all this. D20 has come home saying that she had seen a psychic. The psychic had told her, when D asked, that H and I would not get back together. She sees me with a red haired, bearded man who will treat me well. She also sees my pregnant daughter having a Caesarian.

I saw a different psychic a year ago who saw my D getting pregnant, they had been trying for a couple of years. She also saw H and I separating last Easter. Needless to say I was extremely upset over this! H didn't move out until September.

Are these people believable? Do I just give up now?

Spent the last three days working with H. I was very good, no R talk at all! He has a doctors appointment tomorrow and he messages me earlier to check if I was still going with him. I am concerned as I think he has some depression, a friend of ours has convinced him to see a doctor.

No.



Because of something a psychic told your daughter? Really?

H and I met up yesterday to sign some stuff at the bank. He then came back here with me for the afternoon!!! Afterwards I suggested that he took me out for tea (I did say that we had got it the wrong way round and dinner was supposed to one first!) and we got fish and chips and ate by the river. We discussed our upcoming business trip after Christmas, and H said he would like to do a brief sightseeing stop and was there anything I wanted to look at on the way.

Afterwards we walked along the river, a power walking walk, no romantic stroll! H mentioned a friend of ours who is having some similar midlife issues and said that he thought he wasOK with where he is now regarding work and our relationship. I didn't mention much, just sort of nodded and agreed. H mentioned again that he doesn't know where he is regarding us, and would prefer not to do anything until he has his 'lightbulb moment'. He can see that I have changed but he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, that the fifteen years that I have pushed him away is a lot to get over. I said that I didn't agree it was as long as fifteen years but we would have to agree to disagree over that. Also that I looked upon him having tea and a walk as a positive, he could have said no if he had wanted to.

I've arranged to talk to a DB counsellor in the New Year. I feel I need some guidance on the best way to proceed from here.

And AS, I did sound a bit irrational in my last post didnt I? Thanks for bringing me back to earth with that one word

Good job! Just be the best listener ever. If he opens up don't fall into the trap of wanting to open up to him in return because right now he doesn't really care to hear about your feelings. Just listen and validate.



That's actually good news, it says he's not in a hurry to push forward with D, so you've got plenty of time. Be sure to give him time and space, keep showing him your changes, and don't pressure him at all with R or M talks.



Don't argue, validate. "It sounds like you've felt pushed away a long time, that sounds very frustrating. I'm sorry you feel that way." Note that in saying this you would not be agreeing with him or disagreeing with him, you're just acknowledging his feelings. That's validation. His feelings are very real to him no matter how true or false the matters are that made him feel that way. Don't argue because when you do you tell him inadvertently that you don't care about his feelings.



Great. Until then read Sandi's tips every day and follow them closely!



LOL! No problem

I feel very confused.

The business trip went well but turned into more of a holiday. H had originally planned two half days for sightseeing, but he obviously forgot to pack a clock! He was very relaxed, no early morning alarm was set, we just woke up when we were ready. He kept mentioning he was in 'holiday mode', he was chatty, affectionate, playful and very unstressed! There was a couple of incidents where I was expecting him to get cranky and horrible but he seemed to take it all in his stride.

We ended up not purchasing what we went to buy, and taking an Extra couple of days sightseeing!!!! I had a great time but I was expecting another BD or anger outburst at anytime. When H dropped me home he thanked me for coming and said perhaps we could do it again next year. Incidentally, it was our first holiday together EVER!!!

A couple of times he mentioned doing some road trip/camping with friends in the future and I kept the conversation general, not sounding like I was going to be there too, but he mentioned something about making something to keep my ipad safe. He doesn't use any electronic gadgets and he has always said he isn't interested in learning how they work. He also asked what overseas places I would like to travel to (I answered that one briefly and didnt peruse the subject! I'm getting good at brief replies and gently changing the topic of conversation :))

A couple of weeks ago, H was looking online and found a group he likes are playing a couple of concerts here in Australia. He was going to get me to book tickets but when I asked him how many to book he just couldn't decide so we left it. While we were away he asked if I would like to go and see this group and has asked me to book two tickets.

I had my first DB coaching session on Friday. I thought I had planned it well and no one would be home, except H walks in half way through! I managed to finish the call without him realising who I was talking to (I think!). I found the coaching helpful. I made the decision a few weeks ago to be affectionate to H, and I try to have a PMA whether he is around or not. I was struggling with whether to continue having a physical relationship with H. I know lack of s3x is one of his complaints, and it has been an issue for me too, but it is something that I have worked my way through (upbringing - good girls just don't!!).

My coach wants me to set small goals and monitor H responses. I'm having a bit of difficulty coming up with small goals, but as I think about things, there have already been a few small positive responses to me being more affectionate. A couple of times H has blown me a kiss as he drives away, he was holding my hand when we were walking around on our trip, and a couple of times he initiated the hand holding, he is definitely more flirty and will text message me about things other than work. I can't put his relaxed attitude when we were away done to me because it may just be because he was away from work.

I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. There seems to have been a positive change in H's attitude in the past couple of weeks. One thing that did cross my mind and I don't know if it has got any bearing on things, I bought myself a little gold ring with three little diamond specks in. I took my wedding rings off over a year ago and have been ring less since but I miss fiddling with them. I decided to wear this ring not as a wedding ring but as a 'standing' ring, one diamond chip for the next three years, as H wants to sell everything up in 2016 and disappear into the sunset. In my mind I have decided to stand until then, and hopefully he will return to our relationship. Anyway, when working just before Christmas we were having a meal out and I am pretty sure he noticed me wearing it. Nothing has been said but I did wonder if he thinks it may be my wedding ring. Maybe I'm just speculating too much! It's probably more likely he is in a positive cycle and it will all coming crashing down next week!

I think H is taking a backward slide. Today he has been a bit more remote, no physical touching, no comment on a dress I wore that i know he likes a lot, and when we went out he said he didn't want to stay at a pub if ex-OW wasvtherecworking because he didnt want her serving him. In her present and previous retail jobs she had to serve him but apparently this is 'different'.

We had dinner, H brought up some sexual exploit that he got up to when he was younger (bohemian Rhapsody was playing in the background which triggered the memory), and he dropped me home about an hour after picking me up! Back to businesslike H, no hand holding, no flirting, a brief peck on the cheek.

Not sure who is more confused, him or me!!!!