Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers my wife left, but still lives with me

Personally I think it's way too soon for that, you're not even 3 months since BD. My opinion is that you need to do the work on yourself first and give your W plenty of time and space.



I really think everyone should give their sitch at least a year to resolve. In DR MWD says that you should allow 1 month for every year you were married, so in your case that would be 20 months. I'm not sure there's any solid basis for that, but rather it's probably based on what she's seen over the years in helping recovering couples, just kind of a general rule of thumb. But the point is these sitches often take MUCH longer to resolve than most people expect.

Regarding the sex question, it's an adjustment to be sure. But your body will adjust. Sex was never an issue with my W and I, we consistently had sex 2 to 3 times a week throughout our M. When that stopped it felt to me like the world might end, LOL! But over a few months' time I adjusted to it, my labido went down and I just quit thinking about it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have the same sex drive I had before because it's much lower now than it was then, but I'm sure if/ when the right person comes along she'll wake all that back up again.

Do not date!
Same room, same bed you are not legally separated.
Brother you need to be careful if you want to protect yourself financially and emotionally. That is not detaching either.
Dating is a no-no for several reasons. Legal, but also for you!
Believe me, I know how lonely that can be. Until at least legally separated, do not date. Until you are really ready, do not date. It is not fair for yourself, kids or the other person(s) to mix emotions like that. You will also later on be happy with yourself that your integrity is high. As far as after D, everyone is different in that regard. You will want some counselled help.
You are still married if in same room and bed. Talk to lawyer about this too. Maybe a counsellor too and see best way this can change or help it work. Did you connect with a DB coach?

I have not gotten a DB coach. Do you guys think it is worth it? Part of me says 'money is no object to save my marriage' part of me says 'am i throwing good money after bad'.........

I would be willing to do it if you guys thought it helps immensely.
Willing to do pretty much anything I think would help.

So your wife got her free consultation.

Here is your own free consultation:
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!
DO NOT ASSIST HER IN ANY WAY!!!
DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO ESTABLISH EVIDENCE THAT YOU ARE AT THE MINIMUM AN EQUAL PARTNER IN THE CARE OF THE KIDS!!
CARRY A VOICE RECORDER AT ALL TIMES TO PROTECT YOURSELF, AND ASSUME SHE IS DOING THE SAME!

Here is what happened when your wife went to the lawyer. A woman who clearly wants a divorce goes lawyer shopping. The lawyer knows she will pick the attorney who promises the best outcome for her. So he will tell her a fairy tale story of how it will go - the big bad husband will leave, children will stay, they dont really love him and, like you, are better off without him anyways, he still has to pay you money though, don't sit down and look at any budgets, you will meet Prince Charming (although I bet she already has one in mind), flower petals, rainbows & unicorns etc etc. She gets excited, and gives him $10k from a new credit card that she thinks you will have to pay for. This is her vision, what the lawyer and her friends have told her, and she will now feel entitled to this outcome.

Your job is to prevent this outcome. Doing so may entail saving your marriage, or it may entail coming out of the divorce emotionally intact, financially protected and with 50% custody of the kids. Either way, the biggest mistake you can make is acquiescing to her pressure, manipulation and (trust me - they are coming) dirty tricks and lies to get what she wants.

She wants the divorce, she moves out, buys you out, or you sell the house.
She wants money, it wont be yours unless a legal piece of paper tells you otherwise.
She wants primary custody and says its best for the kids - you have a handwritten calendar of child care schedules and kids activities that says otherwise.
She says you are abusive or angry and she is scared for her life, you have a voice recorder of her screaming , while you are calm and trying to extricate yourself.
She wants to tell the kids its no-one's fault or its your fault, you tell them the truth, that you dont want a divorce.

Oh, and a final piece of advice - "nesting" would be the second worst outcome for you, second only to you voluntarily leaving or being forced out with a protective order. Nesting brings with it all of the downsides of separation with none of the good elements. You will still need to interact with your wife all the time, but all interaction will be adversarial; divorce, money, bills, scheduling, the state of the house, the care of the kids, etc. If she wants someone to leave, let her figure that out herself.

It will help you either help you with steps to fix things with wife, or help you on your path otherwise. You need the right advice for either journey.

Tough, I just noticed this from your other thread:



That is complete and total BS. We're not in the 1950's anymore. If your W wants to end the M, then SHE needs to move out. You hold your ground. Stay in the house, stay in the master bedroom. If she doesn't like it then SHE needs to do something about it. The WAS is the one that needs to suffer the inconvenience of having to find a new place, pack and move stuff, etc. etc. Also the kids usually see the spouse that leaves the house as the one that broke up the M. You don't want that to be you.



No, if you meekly go away she will lose whatever respect she still has for you. It is a lose-lose situation for you to leave!



Don't do that either. Tell her that you want her to stay with you and work on the M, but if she feels she must leave then you support her in that decision. But make it clear that it is HER decision, you are not making it for her. I had this convo with my W, she later asked why SHE was the one that had to leave, and I told her because SHE was the one that wanted to end the M. I also told her she was welcome to stay as long as she wanted. That was the last time she ever brought it up (and she did leave). Be loving and kind, but firm. Don't back down. This is part of you not only teaching W to respect you, but you learning to respect yourself again.



Believe me, I know it feels that way, I remember the fear, shame and anguish quite clearly. But it's not crumbling, just changing. You will in time develop a "new normal" and you will in time be comfortable with your new life, and even learn to enjoy it. We humans fear change and desire for everything to stay the same at all costs. But change leads to growth that you otherwise wouldn't experience. You WILL emerge from this a better person, but it's going to take you a while to see that. Be patient

Well, we both still live in the house. Neither of us willing to move out. We have gotten along surprisingly well these past two days. It makes me suspicious

She knows i was going to talk to another lawyer, sometime this week. I actually spoke with the lawyer over the phone today. She has yet to ask me about it which is another surprise. Perhaps we are getting along because we aren't talking about the R.

It is awesome and painful at the same time. Even though we are getting along well, we are still 'separate'. Our closeness at this point can only go so far. Upon suggestion of my counselor, i have ordered two books to read. 'Driven to Distraction' a book about ADHD and relationships along with 'The Four Agreements'.

So I have been GAL'ing to a small degree but more just working on me. Maybe only I have been in a better mood, which happens when I am making personal progress (even outside this current situation). Perhaps our getting along better rests solely on that fact. Not her changing, but my perception changing.

Who knows, hopefully will continue........

What did the lawyer tell you over the phone today?

It was a brief conversation. He agreed that if someone left the house and it got nasty that it could affect the custody of the kids. I think what he said is that once a divorce was filed, we could draw up paperwork so that my wife and i could rotate out of the house.

With the paperwork, it wouldn't be possible to claim someone 'abandoned' the home. I need to spend $55 for a consultation (much cheaper than the jackass who charged $200/hour).

Still wondering why we are seemingly getting along. Wont take it to heart though.

No, don't take it too much to heart but don't dismiss it either. Keep getting along, that is healthy no matter what. You do still need to protect yourself. She likely has a plan, or is planning. Don't take that to be paranoid, just guarded and protect yourself.
The L you spoke with is correct with that advice.
Lawyers aren't cheap though, and you do get what you pay for so don't go too low. Like it or not, they will be the architects for life going forward. Protect yourself. Did I say that already? Does not mean it needs to be adversarial but she is planning too. She has done her consults. Also, a lawyer by their oath is supposed to promote reconciliation. Very few do. Mine did. In fact, 4 of the 7 I consulted with did, and the other 3 wanted to go for the throat. Mine promoted it, then promoted amicable settlement but also is talented in making sure I am looked after and not walked on. He has been successful so far. Stays clear of expensive nasty letters back and forth that drive up costs. He is $300 per hour. My ExW has wasted a lot of $ with a lawyer that playes the letter game and blame and it has not worked for her. Sensible negotiations are best and in the long run and save money. You get what you pay for pal, like anything. Good value is not always cheapest.
Continue the niceness, she will be looking for consistency if she is having second thoughts.