Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I feel my marriage is done

Wait, you're already done? LOL

I think Cadet wanted to know what you are doing new for YOU. New friends, activities, hobbies, that have nothing to do with your W.

I suggest not worrying about "showing" her. Just be the new you and be consistent about it. She'll notice, but it will take time.

It's a good sign there has been no talk of D. Time is your friend here.

Latest update, W had to drive oldest kid back up to college, I had already planned to take the other 2 snowmobiling (MLK, no school) then drive my D to gymnastics so I was at the house most of the day with the kids, W must trust me enough to be there without her bring present. Back to previous question not to 'show' her how I've changed just let her see it for herself, easier said than done her it's 'only talk' approach is starting to get under my skin; but I'm not showing any emotions. That's all I/we do is talk or go to the kids events. She says 'no actions' have been shown, how can I show actions if W is so focused on the OM! I'm trying to stay positive and also focus on myself but staying positive is hard when I feel her drifting away.

I'm not sure if you misunderstand what we mean.....or if we misunderstand what you are saying. Can you elaborate a little more about what she is referring to as "no actions have been shown and what you mean by "that's all we do is talk"?

Are you referring to you not being able to show physical affection and complaining about nothing more between you but talking? When she says no actions have been shown, is she referring to "changes" she expects you to make?

What I met by what my W said is that all you do is 'talk' and no 'actions' have been shown is this. She has mentioned a couple of times that she has seen improvements on what I've been doing, W asks me from time to time what I've learned since I've moved out. I tell her that I'm working on myself and my stuff plus I've learned a lot from what I had and how it is now missing from my life. I talked to her about how I have re-organized my priorities and what used to be important to me the 'small things' are just that 'small things'; I used to get upset over things before I thought about it, if I would of just taken a step back and thought before I spoke there would of been less tension in the house. I also gave examples of things that I refused to do in the past because I didn't want to do them but other members of the family wanted to, I was acting selfish and self centered but have learned to place other peoples needs first.

This is where all 'talk' and no 'action' comes into play. At this time in our relationship W is seeing OM; old HS boyfriend from 25 years ago and W is 100% focused on him so all I can do is 'talk' because we never hangout as a couple. I feel that W is in the lust stage or the relationship and also may be having a MLC based on how fast and serious this relationship has taken off. She is only thinking of herself and placing the kids on the back burner.

I also found out that W has been talking to OM longer than what she has told me. She said that she started talking to him shortly before I moved out, Nov. 1 and had given up on trying to save the marriage mid August; based on how rocky our relationship had been over the past 7-8 months. I found out that W had been talking to other man since late August. OM had always called her when he had a relationship end, he has been married 3 times and W had always told me when he called. Now it was her turn to call him stating she 'can't believe that I'm getting divorced for a 2nd time'. It just so happens that he had also just ended a long relationship, so they cried on each others shoulders plus apparently ignited an old spark.

I feel that the M has turned on me & not in my favor. I am still trying to do the right thing according to the DB book. I'm using the 180 approach & it seems to be working. I also think W wants it both ways she wants the OM & also wants me to be around, I found this out by using the 180 approach and W calling me much more often since I don't call her. But I am starting to feel like another individual who is posting Plan B. The OM is always tops on W list.

I still feel W is moving way to fast & it feels more like a high school relationship than a relationship a 46 year old wound have. I also feel she is going through a MLC and is trying to escape working on our M & taking the easy way out.

I know I've done some crappy things during our marriage ex. being selfish, getting mad at small things, & not placing others 1st. The DB book is teaching ne a lot of important life lessons as well as lessons about myself. I'm still hopeful but I am also prepared to have D papers served after our taxes are completed.

Quick update on my M, talked to the W on Saturday, had to call her since my stepson called me because he got pulled over on the snowmobile; driving with no trail stickers. So I called her the conversation was good except for one thing I think W was trying to test me or answer some questions for herself. While we were talking she had to close the garage door, didn't think she pulled the car in far enough and thought garage door was going to close on the car, it didn't. W then asked 'what if it had closed on the car, would you of yelled at me?' I said no it 'would of been an accident.' This I feel was her way of testing me on what my re-action would be, since I used to yell about things before thinking it through. This to me now is just the 'small things' and they can usually be fixed pretty easy.

After re-reading the MLC's part that was giving to me as homework I still feel that this is what W is going through, to much of the examples fit her actions for this not to be true. Or it could also be that W has always had a hidden love for old high school boyfriend; that's who the OM is because she keeps comparing relationships from high school to present time to the relationship she had in high school with OM.

I'm keeping hope that this will just blow over in time and we can start working on our M again because I'm still in love with my W but I don't trust her based on what I've found out & what's happened. In the mean time I'm working on my stuff and myself because I have to take care of myself first and foremost.

Been a few days since I've last posted. Had a good conversation with the W, she called me. It was about life in general plus some couple things. This included transferring my auto insurance to my new address. This will be more expensive for both of us & it is also a signal that we will probably be getting D.

I have been doing the 180 approach, at 1st it seemed to be working but now I don't know. Since there's OM involved I feel W is focusing on their time together & that I am just a part of her past. The saying is 'believe nothing of what they say & half of what they do' this is true because W is saying or telling different stories to both of us.

The bottom line is I'm getting my life together but in still in love with my W even if I don't trust her right now. You have to learn from both the mistakes & successes of the past & I feel I've learned a lot & I'm still learning but I don't know if my W will move past the past to see what I have learned.

Today was kind of a hard day, I haven't worked in 5 days; schools have been closed due to the cold and I have only talked to a handful of people plus gone only a couple of places. Been trying to keep busy but spent most of the days in my apartment. That gets me thinking way to much.

The things I've been thinking about of course deal with my W and the things I've been doing to make my life better and the things my W has been doing. They don't equal out very good in my favor, as you can see I've been thinking way to much. As I mentioned in an earlier post even though it will cost us each more money she decided to separate the car insurance. This came after we got separate cellphone accounts. I now have my daughter on my account and my 2 stepsons were already on their dad's account. Did I mention that shortly after I moved out all the wedding pictures plus family pictures had been taking down. The only thing I'm waiting for now is the divorce papers to be served.

I've been doing the 180 approach and been giving her the space she needs but it only seems to be pushing W towards OM. W told me that OM doesn't want her to talk to me about our marriage, he stated that she has to be 100% with him or not at all and W told me that she respects him to much for what he has done to not 'respect' what he has asked (this conversation happened at Christmas time).

I don't know what is going on in her head but she keeps testing me (look at previous posts). W also has said one a couple of occasions that she notices the changes I've been making but the 3 months that I have been away has not been long enough to let those changes set in. W also said that if I moved back now things would be good for a few months then go back to how they were before. I totally agree with her. I feel that I have learned a lot but need to put it into 'muscle memory' when used everyday.

So I feel that based on what has happened and is currently happening my chances are becoming pretty slim on getting a 2nd chance with my W. This hurts because I know it takes 2 to tango but I had taking the lead in most of the actions that results in our current situation.

Keep your changes going and try to stay busy. As far as family pictures and stuff my W did the same thing after kicking me out. First time I was actually allowed to pick up my D from the house it was like I never existed in her life. It really hurt at the time to see that, but I know why W did it. I was finally asked to come home after four months of separation and a lot of ups and downs.

Trust me, things can and probably will change over night. My W went from I'll never be able to take you back to let's try dating. I'm falling in love with you all over again. Two days later when when we hug the feeling is gone, it's like your my brother. We need to live our own lives, it's in gods hands. To three weeks after that you can come back home. Rings back on, photos back up.

I know my separation was only 4 months, but wow talk about a emotional roller coaster! If your W has noticed the changes keep them up. That is the one thing I made sure of in my mess and W did notice. Sure we slip up occasionally this is hard stuff. Hang in there if its a battle you are willing to take. There were several times I almost gave up thinking it was over based on what my W said or did. It can just a quickly turn for the better trust me.

I hear what your saying on how things can turn at a moments notice. In your situation I don't know if OM was involved or not but in my case there is. Old high school BF, they hadn't seen eachother since they were 18, W is now 46. OM has been married 3 times with 5 kids & lives 3 1/2 hours away. He only contacted my W when he had a marriage or relationship end. This time it was my W turn to contact him saying "can't believe I'm getting divorced for a 2nd time." Turns out he was also ending a relationship so they could cry on each others shoulders this time. This was my 1st marriage her 2nd, 2 S from 1st marriage 1 D from our M. So there are kids involved.

I don't know if they are truly ment to be together or not based on the number of failed M's between them but they sure picked up quick from where they left off 27 years ago, This could be a rebound R or not but I do think its a fairy take romance/ high school romance based on how their acting.

I do know that I wish W would of been alone for a while to think about our M instead of jumping into an R that she told me was "easy & convenient to be in". W has also told me that OM doesn't want us talking about our M, she has to be with him 100% or not at all. W said she respects him to much based on what OM has done to go behind his back.

I along with other people say this is just a rebound R & that she may also be having a MLC. In any case I the H feel like the Plan B person & that 100% of W's effort is being placed on OM. On another note W is also 'testing' me on certain things when we speak, seeing how I react to things that have happened ex. Her almost closing garage door on hood of car. It didn't happen, sensor stopped it but if it had as she said "would I of yelled at her?" Which is what I did in the past yell at small things. I told her "no it would of been an accident, I don't yell about small or large things anymore."