Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers wife moved to.parents house last week scared

I am continuing to limit contact to essential item only. I know its early in this process. tomorrow will be 2 weeks. The gift of time is certainly a good way to put this. My faults are laid bare during this time. I know I am not the only one in the marriage. but there are things the I could have done differently.

I realize that I complained and was a "victim of a bad marriage" for a long time. I indulged in looking for ways out during these past few years instead of actively engaging my spouse to make it better. Although she had no direct knowledge of my complaints or of my actions to find places to stay to escape what I felt was a bad marriage, the feeling is "in the air".

Now that she's gone, even though there wee reasons I felt pushed away and not loved, I feel I could have done more. I fear it may be too late to change the tide...

BTW, I am keeping my wedding band on for now. She has not told me directly that she wants to make this anything but temporary.

My neighbor emailed me to let me know she's definitely in a lot of pain. She doesn't show I around me though. I guess that's how this plays out. My family is adamant that I should move on. Just start fresh. Am I a fool to believe that change is possible after all these years?

it will be 2 weeks tomorrow. I feel myself changing. the gym is helping. I continue only with essential contacts. I continue to set boundaries where needed.


During this process I see so much that I could have done. My faults are laid bare. the pain is awful. I shut down because I felt unloved and unappreciated. She gave what she could but I didn't see it that way. I complained and looked for ways out of the marriage for a long time now. I played the victim role. I am not a victim.

its bugging me that I can't tell her these things. I'm afraid she'll never know.

its been 2 weeks today. its actually gone by faster than expected. I joined a class at the Y and I am continuing to make friends with parents on my son's ice hockey team.

It feels strange to look at the other couples and know that I am not one. But, honestly, they never met my W. She's been pulling away for a long time now. She never fully engaged in things with me and our S.

I am changing old patterns and times when I do things because it feels better not to hold on to the past.

W is seeming "darker" and angrier (my perception)with any encounter now....Not sure I get it. maybe the stress of this is causing it. I guess, I just keep smiling, be consistent and live my life.

Life at the house is getting more and more normal. I cook regular meals for me and the kids and we move through our days together. I didn't realize how dysfunctional it had become until we were apart. That's part of the gift I suppose.

Not sure she'll ever come back. don't know when to say I've tried enough. I don't want the person that left. I want to rebuild a new life. I guess that's what she must also struggle with during this time. Am I getting this?? Is she willing or able to come back and build a new life?

nothing has changed financially. there's no reason to do that this soon. I did call my mortgage person to inquire what it would look like to buy W out of the house if I need to. baby steps I guess.

I keep saying I don't understand why this is happening. My mom reminded me today that it doesn't make sense to me because I would not have made this decision, but, that I am not the person who made this decision and it makes sense to my W. So that's what it is....

Why do you want to give her a compliment?

What are you hoping to accomplish?

If it is to drive her further away then it might work.

Sometimes just the sound of our voice can be pursuit.

thanks! I agree. I didn't act on it. its ok to say these things when I'm alone. Just moving along. I realize that if she's avoiding coming into the house and she's not talking to me, then there's a reason. she has to come to her own conclusions. that's the "nice guy syndrome" in me trying to fix this again good catch!

interesting. My W now avoids coming to the door or into the house. She summons the kids to the car via cell or house phone. Weird. Anybody ever see this? What's that all about?

I am not sure why and it will be helpful to you if you don't even try to understand why she does the things she is going to do! Sometimes it is easier for the WAS to avoid the LBS, esp when you aren't angry because it makes their feelings even more confusing.

Keep doing what you are doing and throw in some GAL where possible. I know that it isn't easy as a single parent of 3.

You are not crazy for not giving up. Many have waited and their Ms have worked out. My H and I spent 4-5 years in h@ll and when I found this site we were headed for divorce. He had left me emotionally many times during the years we were struggling but the last time was different. I knew our M was over and. I was making plans accordingly, all while DBing. We are now back together and our M is much stronger and a lot more enjoyable. It really can happen but you have to be patient, WAS move at their own pace. I should also tell you that our ordeal started because I was the WAS, A and all, and most of those 4-5 years were hl because I couldn't figure out what I wanted. So give your W space and, although your interactions are few, be friendly and positive whenever you see her.

What is your plan for Christmas? Has she mentioned coming to be with the children?

I have a WAS as well, and like you, I have no idea why she does the things she does. I'm not good at letting it go either, I want to know why and what's going on. I think the real answer is that they don't even know what's going on or what they want.

I don't recognize my WAS either. That's a pretty common trait, that they are "alien" to us. I would imagine to some extent they don't recognize us either. How much more awesome have you become since the BD? I was a crying, sniveling, depressed mess. Now I'm going to church, lost weight, looking good, self-confident. To some extent, maybe she does not recognize you for similar reasons?

I found out today that my wife cleared out several of her certificates and diplomas from the safe. I can't tell what else is missing. I called her about it and she's seems 'matter of fact". In my mind this was/is a temporary time apart to cool off and see what can be done. Its starting to seem otherwise. She never said she wanted a divorce. She said we needed time apart so she could think and get healthy again. Feeling awful....now what?

hi. I just finished wrapping the gifts. no so much his year. We had to divide it between households. I don't let her see me cry. I don't let my kids see it either. Just spent the last hour crying while I wrapped. this is the first in 17 Christmases alone. I hung her stocking with all of ours. I ant the kids to see that I intend to honor my family until I have nothing left to do.

My family is frustrated with me what I'm not just letting her go. I have complained about this marriage for years and yet, now that I am looking at this place, I find myself reluctant to let go.

W cried when I told her about my two kids (D 13 S12) playing ice hockey together for the first time. I told her, I didn't send pix because I am respecting her wish for space and only communicating where needed. She told me she would have appreciated pix. So I sent them. I hear the sorrow and pain in her voice...but within a sentence or two, the claws come out.

I wanted a better marriage and said so in an open letter in Nov. We lead separate lives and I didn't want that. Now she bolted. I didn't want that either. Was she just using the marriage as a safe place all these years and never really cared? this haunts me. I am supposed to be happy. I got what I wanted, if we split, I got my kids and house. I am not doing anything now that I haven't been doing for the past 2-3 years. She's just not here. Why does this hurt so bad???