Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

I wrote in my thread today about putting my wedding ring back on. I took it off somewhere in the middle of my sitch after having a temp check conversation with my H in which he said pretty much what your H said, I'm done, can't see us ever getting together again, yes I see you've changed but I don't want to be in a R with you, I don't want to be in a R with anyone...

I went home, took the ring off and really let him go (it's a process). I still had plenty of work to do figuring out who I was and I GALed like never before.

As Cadet says in his initial post, and most of us don't realize initially how true it is, You've been given the gift of time, use it wisely.

You can do this.

I love all the advice today because it is a good reminder for my own situation.



I am sure that this is not going to be the first time that your H thinks that he has it all figured out and then realizes he is wrong. He needs to go through the trial and error himself because he will do everything to prove that his initial decision to up and leave was right. At first, my H blamed me for everything. Now he says that it has nothing to do with me, I am amazing, etc. Yet, he is still not happy. Now he thinks that he may need to get his own place to be truly single and see if that makes him happy. Lord knows what he will come up with next.

I love analogies and this one is excellent!

Aw, Melissa, wow. I'm sorry. ((((Melissa))))

I think everyone touched on the important stuff for you to consider going forward. After the initial shock wears off, we'll support you.

To further illustrate the analogy of pushing back, consider your Finding Nemo theme of just keep swimming. You're in your own pool, and the fish that are with you are the ones who should get your attention. H is off somewhere else.

So keep up with the GAL efforts. No matter how this plays out, it's important for you personally.

Betsey

2S2Q, great analogy. I will keep that tucked away in my mind for when I need a reminder.

labug, thank you for sharing part of your story. When I spoke with my DB coach today, she said she has heard plenty of WASs say this kind of stuff, but very rarely is someone narcissistic enough for it to actually be true. Not that that necessarily helps me - if he figures this one out, he can always go the OW route next. Regardless, thanks for your vote of confidence. I know I can do this, because I don't have a choice. I just hope I can do it right and well. At least I have the trip we just went on to think of when I need a reminder that not all is hopeless, and there is happiness even if H is off doing his selfish thing.

3bm - you are on fire with the awesome advice lately - not just on my thread, either. In any of this, has the thought crossed your H's mind that perhaps the problem is himself? I see what you are saying about the momentum going in the wrong direction - I do think that it would be extremely difficult for my H to change his mind at this point.

UD - thanks as always for your support. I am so glad you found my thread and continue to post! I will definitely keep up the GAL. Today is particularly difficult because of the lack of sleep and the illness. Hopefully that won't last long. And yes, i will think of H swimming in another pod . . . that part I can do, but the hard part is not wondering if he is swimming OK, who is he swimming with, is he swimming back toward my pod? A work in progress.

During my H's drunken phone call a month ago, he admitted that he was a mess, lost, lonely and sad. I honestly believe that those were his true feelings and that they were not fueled by the alcohol or some attempt to manipulate me. He was completely vulnerable. Yet he keeps moving forward on his path towards a more permanent situation. It just makes no sense.

I was thinking a lot about your comment that you are worried about your son and the example that your H is setting for him. I often worry about this since I have three boys and how they will learn to be a good husband and dad. Tonight it hit me that it does not matter what my h does. I will teach my boys how to be a good person, a good spouse and a good parent. Husbands/wives and moms/dads should act in the same manner. Our H's don't have some special insight on how to be a good dad/husband. So we will show our kids how to be a good spouse and parent. We will teach them about healthy boundaries and faithfulness and responsibilities and love. I think that when children suffer it is probably because the LBS got stuck in the grief/anger or got caught up in a new relationship trying to mask the pain. It if you are an involved parent and good person, both your D and S will learn how to be a good spouse and parent. And when your kids are adults and ask about what happened, you will PROUDLY tell them about your journey, about how you persevered even when it seemed impossible, about how you handled yourself with dignity and grace and about how you loved your h unconditionally even when he did not deserve it. So while your heart breaks for your kids because they don't deserve this, know that they will be great because they have you as an example!!

3, thank you for that. I think today is just a no good horrible day for me, and I am hoping that tomorrow will be better, and I can read your post again with a more positive outlook. Right now I just feel exhausted, depressed and hopeless. I had to let my H have the kids tonight and I really didn't want to. I want them with me and I am so unbearably sad about the fact that they are going to have to split their time with me and H, forever. I skipped TKD today because I am not feeling well; I dropped off the kids and then waited in my car until I saw H pull in, then I left. I couldn't even see him - I don't know how I will look him in the eye again.

I don't understand how he can have a family who loves him and wants him to come back, kids who need a family, and a wife who is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work - and choose a different life, so that he doesn't have to fulfill any expectations.

I feel like I am back at BD again, when I had no hope.

I know my son doesn't have to turn out like his father, but my H sure did - even though he HATED what his father did (leaving two families). I don't want the same thing to happen to my sweet boy. He is a sensitive kid and it is going to CRUSH him to know that Daddy is not coming home.

The more I think about it, the more I think that H really does mean what he says. There were plenty of times I questioned whether he wanted to be married. I really think he just doesn't like having to discuss things with anyone else, just wants to do whatever the F he wants. I don't think he is going to change his mind, at least not with me.

I don't know how I am going to get through this. I know I will somehow because I have no choice but I feel pretty bad about my chances for happiness right now. Ugh.

Just flipping through the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love.

It's just a bunch of short passages, but one of them struck me and I think I will highlight it.

It's about being with the pain, leaning into it, feeling it. That you won't find it bottomless.

"See pain not as hurting, but as healing."

Interesting perspective. I like the positive spin on that, as opposed to "you just have to feel like crap for a while, sorry."

I read a similar book, gave me an interesting view as well. It said that it's important to grieve the end of the relationship and that delaying that pain only makes it worst. Made all the difference to me.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

-PM