OK, I guess the shock wore off. Now I am a mess. I am back to that feeling where I wish the ground would open and swallow me up. I want to take my kids out of school and run away with them.
I don't understand how a person can do this. Fine, back out of your promises, be a selfish jerk, and ruin my life. But my poor kids. They don't deserve this. And I feel like the worst mother on earth because I can't protect them from this. They are going to be so angry and hurt when H tells them (and he will be telling them himself) that he is not coming back in May. How can you do that to sweet, innocent children? They will bear the scars of this forever.
I hate him. And I feel like my life is just going to suck until I get old enough to die.
I have an IC, a DB coach, several very good friends, and this board. A great support system. But I still feel completely hopeless.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Go and hate him. But he doesn't have enough power to make the rest of your life svck unless you give it to him.
I know. This sounds like blah blah blah right now, but I know I will scrape up a better PMA and I will realize it's true.
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You need to worry about you and protect yourself
OK. I'll just come out and admit it. While part of me hates my H, there is another (large) part of me that continues to love and protect him. I think that he is kind of lost and always has been, because of his crazy Mom and his Dad who left when he was 1. Somehow, having freedom feels good to him right now, but I think it's really a band aid. (Kind of like controlling was for me.) And I am sad that he will most likely never find happiness because he is focusing on the wrong thing. I feel like I know him and I get him (much more now, post BD) and like we could really make things work and be happy together.
If I am being really honest, I will admit that I thought to myself, "well, I know I'm not going to get married again to someone else, so why wouldn't I just have a non-married, non-obligatory R with my H?"
Good lord, I know this is all so wrong. I just want to take care of him and make him happy. Maybe it's like an unhealthy addiction.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Oh gosh Melissa, I wasn't expecting this. I'm so glad that you had a great vacation. What a slap in the face to return home and get that from your H.
You have a lot of great advice. I think 3 had a great plan for how to handle the rest of your week with arrangements for the kids. You are incredibly strong. You know what great progress you've made, so this is very disappointing. All this work and growth just to have H still want out?? Ugh!
Someone mentioned how he must see your changes or else he would have told you what he wanted while blaming you and he didn't. I do think that's a good sign. Someone also mentioned going dim, etc. I think that's a good idea, too. Up until now, you have been cooperative and perfectly family oriented. You've given him space and still participate in all your traditions and routines. You've had great times and ML.
Now, the tables have turned. If he wants his freedom, then no more family dinners, ML, etc. He needs to feel the reality of not having his family. He can no longer have the best of both worlds. I think this is going to be really tough. I'm there with you. My heart is aching for you right now.
I am impressed with how you held your emotions together with the text messages. You even took a break. You didn't get angry or overly emotional. You were a rock star at one of the lowest points in your life. You survived a terrible sucker punch.
I believe that WAS can change their minds. But, as we learn the hard way, there is no way to know if or when that will ever happen, no matter what we say or do. It is not in our control. Get well, M! Keep us posted!
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
If I am being really honest, I will admit that I thought to myself, "well, I know I'm not going to get married again to someone else, so why wouldn't I just have a non-married, non-obligatory R with my H?"
You cant do this because there is no such thing. There is too much history, too much love.
You cant do this because there is no such thing. There is too much history, too much love.
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No one said you had to get remarried. But you are young and if it didn't work with your ex, you really don't want what you deserve and what your kids should see you have? You want to date him while he dates OW
And how long do you think a non-obligatory R with H would go on for? On HIS side?
I know, I know. I wasn't suggesting I would do it, I am just pointing out how addicted I am to my H, or desperate, or whatever you want to call it. I know it is a bad thing. What I really want is for my H to get his sh!t together and do the work he needs to do, but it sure doesn't seem like that's going to happen . . . so my mind is grasping at something, anything.
I spoke with my DB coach and I feel somewhat better. She said more or less the same thing as 3 and a few others have said - don't make a big deal out of single interactions.
I am glad that I handled the conversation fairly well and didn't go all apesh!t on him, accuse him or judge him or anything. I think he was probably expecting me to.
Today he texted me to ask about some logistics for tonight, and then said, "or do you want nothing to do with me?" Maybe he was hoping I'd be pissed and go ahead and file myself. Oh, hell no.
I have this soft spot in my heart for him, and then I tell him I can't go to TKD because I am sick as a dog . . . think he bothered with any well wishes? Nope. Sigh.
Today is such a waste of a day. I am sick and exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I can get in some GALing and PMA!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thank you so much, everyone. Your posts mean the world to me.
I am still shocked. I don't understand how someone can think - let alone, say - something like this. Just how arrogant does someone have to be in order to feel entitled to be free of expectations and obligations, and apparently not notice or care about the effects it has on others? Am I just naive??
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Are you gonna throw in the towel or continue with the marathon? Ironically, acting like you've thrown in the towel is part of the marathon.
I am not sure what this means . . . I am certainly not going to stop working on me, or my GALing. Most of my 180s were things that I thought I needed to change about myself anyway (like being less perfectionist and controlling), but I haven't really considered to what extent I will try to keep him happy otherwise (though clearly there will be no sex).
How would I act differently based on whether I am throwing in the towel or staying the course? I most definitely have zero interest in pursuing other relationships now or, as it feels like now, ever. And I will not file for D, nor help push it along. I do not want a D, so H will have to do that on his own. I will participate only to make sure that my kids and I are getting the most we are possibly entitled to. (Don't get me started on how screwed I am going to be financially, after giving up my career to be a SAHM as part of the deal with H, which he is now reneging on.)
The question really for me is how much time I want to spend with H. Right now, I don't even want to see his arrogant, self centered, narcissistic face. But I don't know what is the best thing to do for me or my kids. I need to think about it.
I have way too much to think about and it's overwhelming. I am going to have to get a job, sell the house, live a much less affluent lifestyle, and see my kids a whole lot less. There is nothing good about this. I just feel like saying FML. If only I wasn't sick and could go for a run. Argh.
Your reply is pretty much what I thought you'd say. Part of staying the course is to not do things that would pretty much destroy all chances at a reconciliation. Going dim, working on yourself, and even dating won't destroy your chances. BUT, being angry and developing resentment will. I know you're venting to us, but I'd like to say that calling him names will only hurt you. You're letting him control your feelings. If you're going to be angry, feel it, acknowledge it, say "hi anger, I see you, now get outta my way!". Just try not to resort to name calling. I know it's hard(I had to go to therapy because of it), but you're better than that.
I feel your pain... It feels like it's over. If you want to hope, have hope knowing that no one knows the future. Yep, not even your h. He can say all the absolutes he wants, but he has no clue what the future holds. Our timelines and situations are similar. Bd around the same time, moved out around the same time, acted like everything was family fun time, we even got the "it's over, I'm never coming back" around the same time. Well, my ex said she doesn't want to give me hope and then withdrew, but same idea.
If there is anything I learned from the last time she left me. It's the famous line... . "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared". Ill add that not only are they hurting or scared, but they've lost their minds.
Just be prepared to hear your h say those things to you again when things bounce back to normal. I'm still waiting for my situation to bounce back to normal.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
What I really want is for my H to get his sh!t together and do the work he needs to do, but it sure doesn't seem like that's going to happen
We ALL want our WAS's to take that journey NOW, who wants to wait? But they're on their own schedule. Here's the problem- the WAS will not begin their journey until the LBS is almost done with theirs. The LBS has to become the spouse only a fool would leave, regain their self-esteem and independence and totally let go of the WAS. And THEN the WAS BEGINS their journey. It's not until the LBS is out of the picture that the WAS can see the LBS is not the root of all of their problems after all, and maybe then they start addressing the internal causes of their unhappiness.
BUT, being angry and developing resentment will. I know you're venting to us, but I'd like to say that calling him names will only hurt you. You're letting him control your feelings. If you're going to be angry, feel it, acknowledge it, say "hi anger, I see you, now get outta my way!". Just try not to resort to name calling. I know it's hard(I had to go to therapy because of it), but you're better than that.
Well . . . we all know anger = hurt. And this really hurt me. No, I won't hold on to the anger, and of course I shared none of it at all with my H. I really just came here and spewed my feelings just to get them out. Now that they are out, I can start to look at the real issue, which is the underlying hurt, and determine where to go from there.
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I feel your pain... It feels like it's over. If you want to hope, have hope knowing that no one knows the future. Yep, not even your h. He can say all the absolutes he wants, but he has no clue what the future holds.
Thanks for this. I find it interesting how many times he has contradicted himself already. I don't know why he is arrogant enough to think that he knows what will happen 6 months from now, or a year, or five or ten. I mean, granted, I say I will never get married again but I know full well that is a product of the hurt I am feeling now, and I would never make a life altering decision based on it. (You don't see me joining a nunnery, do you?)
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If there is anything I learned from the last time she left me. It's the famous line... . "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared". Ill add that not only are they hurting or scared, but they've lost their minds.
Yes. I keep trying to make sure I am not the crazy one, but I am pretty sure it is H. A normal person doesn't just decide after 11 years of marriage that he doesn't want to be in a relationship that has obligations and expectations, ever, AND deliver this news with no apparent remorse or concern for the collateral damage. Unless he's a raging narcissist, I guess.
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Just be prepared to hear your h say those things to you again when things bounce back to normal. I'm still waiting for my situation to bounce back to normal.
I am sure he will bring it (meaning D) up again. I know I won't.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It's not until the LBS is out of the picture that the WAS can see the LBS is not the root of all of their problems after all, and maybe then they start addressing the internal causes of their unhappiness.
Here is my fear. That he has already figured out that I was not the sole source of his misery, but now thinks that the source of his misery is being in a relationship with expectations and obligations. And that he will strop right there with his self discovery because he thinks he has the answer.
But, I know what you will say! That isn't my sh!t to worry about. I gotta focus on me. And I will. Because even if I am the best spouse on earth, and H just doesn't want a spouse, now or ever, then at least I will be the best person I can be.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
If he thinks that's the answer, then he'll act accordingly and find out he's wrong again.
The way I look at it is that the WAS is willingly following a current that flows against you; move in their direction and you'll only push the current faster. He needs to ride this out, get as far downstream as he needs to get before he would *ever* consider swimming back.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Maybe it's like an unhealthy addiction.